First timer would appreciate critique please

Hi,

I'm writing some material for my debut first time on stage. Would appreciate feedback on whether or not you think this section is funny.

It's a play on the fact that it's possible to buy a greeting card for almost every occasion. Thanks.

"I've got a friend who lives up in the north of Scotland. Anyway, he's been very ill lately, so on his birthday I thought I'd send a card to cheer him up.

Luckily, I found one. It said...."

"Sorry to hear that you're ill...on your birthday...from across the miles

Seemed to do the job.

I've got another friend who's wife tragically died two days after moving into their new house. (Pause) I thought I'd send a card

I found one. It said...

"Sorry to hear about your loss....as you move into your new house"

So what do you think?

I don't know. It seems familiar somehow.

Good one! O.K, so I now realize that I originally posted it in the wrong section of the forum. So what to do you think of it?

I assume this isn't your only joke. And I think it could really work if you spread it out over the course of your act. Maybe at the end each joke with a trip to the card aisle to find a card for that particular occasion.

I think you're trying to play it too safe with the dead wife on moving day joke. Without knowing your entire set, I'm not sure what you're going for in terms of stage presence, but I think you could really beef that up. Maybe switch it around so that it seems like a standard moving day card but ends with the dead wife?

I posted my thought yesterday. As it is I don't think it really works. Need to make more of a joke of it really. It's the idea but not worked on enough.

My wife passed away just before we moved into our new house. I knew I shouldn't have tied her to the roof.

Looking forward to the joke tomorrow. And the back and forth debate Handimar

Thanks for the advice folks, much appreciated.

Decided to be brave and post my first proposed 5 minute set list for critique. It's adult themed and very much a work in progress. But I'd appreciate feedback on it's content. Thanks a bunch!

5 Minute Set

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,

Thanks for coming out tonight and showing your support.

O.K, I will admit that I've battled with my weight for most of my life. Well...perhaps that's a bit of an exaggeration. It's not really been a battle. I mean...the word... 'battle'... implies a fierce resistance, or a willingness to die for a noble cause. I've just moved on to oven chips!

I wanted to talk tonight about one of my pet hates...junk mail and especially junk mail through the letterbox. I hate it! I much preferred the old days when receiving a letter was a special occasion.

(Exaggerated glee)

"What Mr Postman? A letter? For me? Oh my God! I wonder who it could be from? Gosh, how exciting!"

Nowadays, I come downstairs first thing in the morning, take a look at the letterbox and think...oh what the f**k? It's just lying there, ...taunting me, daring me to pick it up and throw it straight into the bin. Which, of course I should do, we all should. But we don't do we? Because we just might miss out on something new and exciting. So I go through them one by one, carefully sorting out the obvious 'keepers' like Dominos Pizzas and Mr Daves Balti Hut. I stick these onto the side of the fridge...right next to my Slimming World, I lost 1/2 a stone certificate.

Then, there are the charity appeals - just £5.00 a month will restore the sight of a blind Nigerian. Well, I'm sorry, but that cuts no ice with me. If you're going to wank that much, well, you know the risks!

Don't get me wrong, I do support Charity. I always support Comic Relief, it's for a fantastic cause and I do get upset watching the pitiful faces dying right in front of me. Why can't these celebs just accept that their careers are over?

Telescopic ladders! You didn't see that coming... That's another adthat's always in your junk mail somewhere. I mean, why? Seriously, how many times have you been up a ladder and thought....if only this ladder was 10 mtrs longer! If only it was telescopic...(Exaggerated stretching) If...only...I...could...touch...that...f**kin' cloud!

So that one goes straight in the bin, quickly followed by the ad for anti-slip snow shoes. Guaranteed to keep you sure-footed whatever arctic blizzard you may face....really useful when living in Henley, Oxfordshire. Anti-slip snow shows eh? How to look like you've lost your carer for only £7.99....plus £19.99 postage.

But it was a different flier that caught my eye today, one from the from the World Wildlife Fund. An appeal to save the Giant Panda, with a picture of the cuddly creature emblazoned across the front looking all sad and lonely. Apparently, for just a few pounds a month, I can help to stop this gentle and noble creature from becoming extinct. Of course, one reason why the Panda is in danger of extinction, is because mankind has encroached on their habitat, chopping down the bamboo forests. But is that the only reason?

I mean, loads of other species have had to adapt to survive and done O.K. For example, take the fox. It's well known that, over time, they've moved from the countryside into the city, very successfully. To source food, they've become really urban. Just last week I was standing next to a KFC, right in the town centre, just as the sun was starting to go down. Suddenly, I spotted a majestic large fox with two small cubs....sitting right inside
sharing a party bucket! See...they've adapted..

But even we humans have had to evolve over the years, in an effort to survive - and I've had some experience of that. In the late 1970's Wimpys closed down and I'll be honest with you, it was touch and go with me for a while. I lost weight ...I was depressed...but then I started to break out in a weird kind of smooth unblemished skin. It was a fight for my very survival, but suddenly...bam..McDonalds opened up - and it was happy days all over again! I never looked back... You have to adapt...

So if changing habitat isn't the sole reason for the fall in numbers, what else could it be? We know that it's not because of predators. I've watched loads of David Attenborough films and never once seen a lion take out a dozing panda.

..and then it hit me. I finally realized exactly why they have become such an endangered species...and this really shocked me...the reason is that they are simply too lazy to have sex! Yep, it's true. They can't even be arsed to have sex in order to ensure their own survival. How bad is that, eh? I mean, I'm lazy, really lazy. I'll turn my pants inside out if it gets another day out of them. But I have never, ever been too lazy to have sex.....I've been too lazy to care if the sex was actually any good!

But the panda just can't be bothered. He just sits in a corner, chewing on a stick. The WWF even fly in a female to try and stimulate a bit of interest - he doesn't even have to go out looking himself. No Panda night clubbing for him. No Panda speed dating.. They even add to the titillation by not letting him seeing her straight away...she just arrives in a sealed crate, all mysterious, with just some air holes for ventilation and a little window to see out of...a bit like a wooden burka. Then, probably to a Barry White soundtrack, they slowly open the crate, revealing all of her majestic glory...oh and by the way, they don't get him just any old minger, oh no...it's usually, a cute looking panda-babe with an exotic name like Pi Pi, a gift from China.

And how does the he respond? Is he just the tiniest bit grateful? Is he f**k. He just takes one look at her and goes "nah!" Can't be arsed and goes back to munching a rancid bit of bamboo... Unbelievable! Anyway, let 'em die out I say, lazy bastards. F**k 'em!

This has been my first ever time on stage, so I'd like to really thank you for your kindness...

Goodnight!

Quote: Handimar @ 22nd August 2014, 2:54 PM BST

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,

Thanks for coming out tonight

View original

Are you doing your set in a TARDIS?

I'd say this is much better than the greetings card stuff you posted - a lot of it isn't to my taste, but there are identifiable jokes in there, some of which would definitely get a laugh with the right delivery/audience.

So, yes, getting there, although I think you could do with another draft or 2.

(Caveat: I've never done stand up, and watch very little of it, so I'm an unreliable peer to offer advice)

Hello, it's too long for 2 reasons, firstly it'll take more than 5 minutes to say all this and secondly, it's too long because a lot of it is just bullshit fluff that you don't need.

You must have caught me in a generous mood because I've rewritten it for you. I've just cut out everything you don't need. I've left your jokes there but some of them are pretty dated and I've heard most of them before - especially the panda stuff.

You'll probably die on your arse with it but that's fine; you're supposed to. It's all part of adventure dude.

Good luck

O.K, I admit, I've battled with my weight most of my life. Well... Not battle. I mean... 'battle'... implies a fierce resistance, a noble cause. I've just moved on to oven chips!

I wanted to talk tonight about one of my pet hates...junk mail. I hate it! I much preferred the old days when receiving a letter was a special occasion.

(Exaggerated glee)

"What Mr Postman? A letter? For me? Oh my God! I wonder who it could be from? Gosh, how exciting!"

Nowadays, I come downstairs, look at the post think what the f**k? Shall I just throw it straight in the bin. I should do, we all should. But we don't? Because we just might miss out on something special. So I go through them one by one, carefully sorting out the obvious 'keepers' like Dominos Pizzas and Mr Daves Balti Hut. I stick these onto the side of the fridge...right next to my Slimming World, I lost 1/2 a stone certificate.

Then, there are the charity appeals - just £5.00 a month will restore the sight of a blind Nigerian. Well, I'm sorry, but that cuts no ice with me. If you're going to wank that much. You know the risks!

Don't get me wrong, I do support Charity. I always support Comic Relief, it's for a fantastic cause and I do get upset watching the pitiful faces dying on screen. Why can't these celebs just accept that their careers are over?

Telescopic ladders! They junk mail you this? How many times have you been up a ladder and thought....if only this ladder was 10 mtrs longer! If only it was telescopic...(Exaggerated stretching) If...only...I...could...touch...that...f**kin' cloud!

I even got some junk mail for anti-slip snow shoes. Guaranteed to keep you sure-footed whatever arctic blizzard you may face....really useful when living in Henley, Oxfordshire. Anti-slip snow shows eh? How to look like you lost your carer for only £7.99....plus £19.99 postage.

But it was a different flier that caught my eye today, one from the from the World Wildlife Fund. Another appeal to save the Giant Panda, with a picture of the cuddly creature looking all sad and lonely. For just a few pounds a month, I can stop making them extinct.

Why can't they just adapt? Like the fox. Just last week I was outside KFC, there was this fox and two small cubs....sitting there sharing a party bucket!

Even we humans have had to evolve, I've had some experience of that. Like when Wimpys closed down. I'll be honest with you, it was touch and go with me for a while. I lost weight ...I was depressed... I started to break out in a weird kind of smooth unblemished skin. I was worried. Suddenly...bam!..McDonalds opens up - I never looked back.

But the Panda. I reckon they're endangered because they're too lazy to have sex! They can't even be arsed to have sex to ensure their own survival. I mean, I'm lazy, I'll turn my pants inside out if it gets another day out of them. But I have never, ever been too lazy for sex.....I've been too lazy to care if the sex was actually any good!

But the panda just can't be bothered. He just sits in a corner, chewing on a stick. The WWF even fly in a female for him. No Panda speed dating.. They even add to the titillation by not letting him see her straight away. Probably to a Barry White soundtrack, they slowly open the crate, revealing her oriental beauty. Oh and by the way, they don't get him just any old minger, oh no...it's some sexy ass panda-babe with some exotic name like Pi Pi.

And is he even just the tiniest bit grateful? Is he f**k. He just takes one look at her and goes "nah!" Can't be arsed and goes back to munching a rancid bit of bamboo... Let 'em die out I say, lazy bastards. F**k 'em!

Thank you

Goodnight!

Nice one Mikey.

Like gappy I am no expert but I do like my stand up. The one thing I would suggest against is finishing on hoping pandas die out. Could be wrong but if you've not had the greatest first routine this might not be the way to bow out.

Good luck!

haha yeah get what you mean - if the rest has gone badly it won't exactly endear him to the audience but on the other hand if it's gone all right it could work - going out with a bang (like when I shot that panda)

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I put the material out to a lot of different sources and overall, I'm really chuffed with the responses. It'll all be in the telling, I guess...

Just perform and see what happens. A lot of people post their routines here and at the end of the day, some jokes are all about the performance. They don't necessarily translate well into a text format, so what I think isn't funny might have people in stitches.

Sorry, but even the most experienced of us can only throw out suggestions or offer a possible improvement on the existing material based on our own experience. Even my own mentor, who has been doing comedy for 10 years, isn't always right.

Sometimes you just have to baptize yourself in fire and see what burns.