Hey there, we've been lurking around for a while and decided to bite the bullet and stick up a couple scenes from a pilot sitcom that we've been working on for far too long considering that we both have degrees to do.
We'd love some criticism that we can really sink our teeth into, as we're hoping to send this off to various moneyed institutions in the near future. It IS our first sitcom, and as such is filled with blood, sweat and tears (not literally, thats our next one...), but we'd love to have some useful critiques.
Here's the first scene (slightly longer than short) and a shorter sketchy scene from the very end (Anyone who cant be arsed to read the long scene, we dont blame you, but the end scene is very short and we'd appreciate criticism on that one!)
Premise: A select group of some of the most educated people (or so they would have you believe) demonstrate the extraordinary difficulties of facing daily
life. A group of University professors remain unscrupulously loyal to their love of literature (much to the annoyance of their students) in their working time, but in their spare time they discuss important matters such as the legitimacy of the Jaffa Cake.
EXT. OUTSIDE HUMANITIES BUILDING. MORNING
RUSSELL and MAX stand outside the closed doors of the building. They look at each other closely, seriously. Music is very tense: mastermind-like. They appear as mano-a-mano as the scene builds in tension until the speech begins, when it is broken and their faces fall into childlike stroppyness.
P.O.V. - CONTINUOUS
RUSSELL
(whining)
I don't wanna go in. You go first!
MAX
Not me! I'm not ready for this. I've still a holiday hangovers! Christmas puds should NOT be soaked in brandy!
(takes a deep breath)
Tell ya what; I'll toss you for it.
RUSSELL
Here?
(shocked)
That's a bit inappropriate, isnt it!
MAX
(rolls his eyes and continues)
Whoever loses...
RUSSELL
Oh come on Max, if you do that, I think we'll both be winners… (He winks)
MAX
(rolls his eyes)
Just toss the bloody coin!
Coin is tossed, caught in mid-air by JEFF who has appeared as if from nowhere between them. He peels away the foil wrapper of the now apparently chocolate coin as they look on, speechlessly.
JEFF
(nonchalantly, mouth full of chocolate coin)
Alright?
JEFF pushes the door open leaving RUSSELL and MAX standing. They take a deep breath, look tentative and follow him through the door.
INT. HUMANITIES LECTURERS' ROOM - CONTINUOUS
It is a small room with a few people chatting quietly and going about their daily business. There is a small kitchenette area and seats scattered around. There is still the odd christmas decoration and a small brown christmas tree drooping sadly. JEFF, MAX and RUSSELL walk up to a wall of lockers, and one after the other they open their locker-doors (which sport their name, hand written on a sticker). They each toss a book into their locker: JEFF a battered copy of John Polidori's 'Vampyre', MAX a copy of Bram Stoker's 'Dracula' and RUSSELL a copy of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'. JEFF settles in his chair. RUSSELL and MAX walk over to the kitchenette. CHRISTINE walks over with a pile of paperwork and a clipboard.
JEFF
(without looking up)
Aah Christine, light of my life, apple of my eye, splurge in my tissue…
MAX
Cuppa, Jeff?
JEFF
(over his shoulder)
As much caffeine as you can get in the cup!
(to CHRISTINE)
Not all of us were born with your natural morning chirpyness, I'm afraid.
CHRISTINE
(patronising)
Here are your memos. Please make sure you read these before you go off to seminars; Professor Fleming doesn't issue these for fun you know. Remember last term?
RUSSELL
(Turns round to face her, angrily, brandishing a teaspoon, dripping hot liquid)
Hey, nobody complained about those paper mache heads when the decorations for the Christmas ball fell through!
(turns back to the kettle)
CHRISTINE
Read them!
MAX
(mockingly salutes)
Oooooh! Yes sir!
CHRISTINE whips around and glares at MAX, a sharp 'Psycho' like sound accompanying her expression.
MAX
(Sheepish and slightly fearful)
Sorry...
CHRISTINE looks down at her clipboard and scribbles aggressively, then continues to hand memos to surrounding people. JEFF takes a sheet of paper from CHRISTINE. After taking one look at the paper, he crumples it up and shoves it down the side of his chair.
RUSSELL
Why is it that people always get a boost in power madness when they get hold of one of those things? Bloody clipboard Nazi...
MAX
In all fairness, she carries off the moustache quite well.
MAX sits, RUSSELL follows struggling to balance three coffee cups. CHRISTINE narrowly avoids being spilled on as she walks towards the kettle area. CHRISTINE turns her back on them and grabs a spoon. The camera shows her inspecting her upper lip in the spoon, and the men in the background talking. CHRISTINE drops the spoon with a clatter and leaves the scene.
RUSSELL
(tired)
Urghhhh! It's like we've never been away. It's always the same with the start of term. Monday after Monday after Monday after Monday...
(waving the paper emphatically, unknowingly in front of Jeff's face, who bats it away)
After Monday after...
MAX
(shifts in his seat thoughtfully)
What about Bank Holidays?
RUSSELL
(looks blankly at Max for a few seconds and continues, still waving the paper)
...Monday after Monday after Tuesday after Monday...
JEFF
(interrupting, fed up with RUSSELL's waving hand)
Enough!
JEFF takes the paper out of RUSSELL’s waving hand, scans it and starts to read it out.
JEFF
(questioning)
Cigarette Amnesty?
The camera zooms in to RUSSELL’s eyes as he lurches forward in his chair. His tea spills into his lap.
RUSSELL
(flinching)
Owww shit! What's this?
JEFF
(reading from the paper)
"In order to maintain the demands of recent legislation, The University would like to start the new term with a week long tobacco clampdown. No students or staff may smoke or have cigarettes within a 10 metre radius of the premises. Whilst students will be asked to relinquish these products in the form of a cigarette amnesty, it falls to you to confiscate any visible cigarettes and put them in the drop box by my office. Any staff found to be flouting these new regulations..." Oh for God's sake, the kids won't be able to concentrate for the lack of nicotine; they'll start twitching!
RUSSELL
(A look of bliss on his face)
Genius! Its bloody genius!
MAX
What? It's just another thing to make our day harder. And shakier. And well... crap!
JEFF
No, no, no. I can see what he's saying. We won't have to buy cigarettes for months now.
MAX
How do you work that out?
RUSSELL
Well, its one thing taking the fags off the kids, but just to leave them lying around carelessly in a flimsy little securely locked metal box where anyone could get at them...Its asking for trouble!
JEFF
(Interjecting)
So really the only responsible thing to do is to dispose of them ourselves. Into OUR lungs. For the good of the young minds we're moulding into mounds of cleverness.
RUSSELL
Exactly. And my lectures will be vastly improved with an increase in my nicotine intake. I just love it when a plan benefits everyone.
MAX
But what about the 10 metre bit? We're going to have to walk ALL that way just for a sneaky between-lecture fag. And I love that wall we sit on.
(he looks whistful)
Its grown accustomed to my face.
RUSSELL
Well... your arse!
JEFF
There's always another wall, Max. Another wall, another bus shelter.
MAX
Another student's car we can break into if it starts to rain...
JEFF
I hope they've got decent brands though, you can't rely on these kids for anything. I don't want any of that menthol nonsense.
RUSSELL
Oh come on - smoking a menthol is like breathing in fresh woodland air!
MAX
...During a forest fire.
MAX is interrupted by a knock at the door. It is pushed open by a young, slightly nervous looking student.
STUDENT
Erm, excuse me, I'm from Mr Hadley's seminar group...we've been waiting for nearly five minutes...
RUSSELL calls over to the student without turning round.
RUSSELL
Yeah, I'll be there in a minute, just, err, start without me...
The student looks confused and retreats. As the door closes, CHRISTINE reappears suddenly next to RUSSELL, who jumps in shock, grasping at his chest.
CHRISTINE
Mr Hadley...
RUSSELL
JESUS!
CHRISTINE
The students aren't paying thousands of pounds a year for you to sit around drinking coffee...
RUSSELL
(hand clasped at his heart)
Yeah, well at this rate they'll have to pay for my bloody angina medication!
CHRISTINE looks at him with stern disapproval. RUSSELL tries to avoid her eyeline, but she continues to stare at him until he bursts out with his speech.
RUSSELL
Alright!
RUSSELL stands up and looks into the middle distance.
RUSSELL
"Once more unto the breach dear friends, once more..."
(He walks boldly to the door)
JEFF
(With true Shakespearean proficiency)
"Or close the wall up with our English dead. In peace there's nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility."
RUSSELL turns back to the room, holding the door ajar and looking impressed. JEFF looks over at him, and smiles smugly.
JEFF
Head of Shakespeare mate. Bring it on.
(He shakes his paper with attitude and continues to read)
RUSSELL
(Amused, then challenging)
"Now is the winter of our discontent..."
JEFF
"Made glorious summer by this son of York; And all the clouds that low'r'd upon our house in the deep bosom of the ocean buried." Richard the Third? Come on Russ, at least give me a challenge.
RUSSELL
(Looks determined, appears to have an epiphany and speaks with great dignity)
"What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage!"
JEFF looks up from his paper, startled. His eyes scan an invisible mental script, as if desperately trying to identify the quote.
RUSSELL
(nodding smugly)
Yeah!
JEFF
(Looking at Russell with a newfound respect)
I'm genuinely impressed mate.
(Again, searchingly)
I cant place that one...
RUSSELL
(Extremely smug)
You're not the only one who can quote the classics.
MAX
(Puzzled)
Hang on, I know that quote... And its not Shakespeare.
RUSSELL’s eyes widen and he shakes his head fiercely at max.
MAX
(starting to laugh)
Thats from the Wizard of Oz; you're quoting the Cowardly Lion!
MAX begins to laugh, JEFF joins in. RUSSELL looks defeated and embarassed.
RUSSELL
I need to...I've got a class...
RUSSELL makes a swift exit without further explanation.
MAX
(Calling to Russell as he leaves)
Don't get lost mate; follow the yellow brick road!
JEFF
(Half laughing)
There's no place like home!
The camera is shot from a high corner to show the rest of the people in the room resume their reading/drinking/talking as the door closes on RUSSELL.
END SCENE (Please bear in mind, its after a lot more establishment of characters, so they havent just appeared from nowhere!):
INT. PUB - A LITTLE LATER
RUSSELL, JEFF and JAMES crowded round an itbox, with ROSIE just behind them. Camera from perspective of itbox. JESS and MAX sit at the bar behind them, in view. FLEMING walks past mid-flow.
JEFF
"What was Moby Dick?" Well, that's easy, Whale.
JAMES
No he wasn't!
RUSSELL
What? Course he was!
JAMES
He was a cat.
JEFF
A cat?! Sweet Jesus...
(Walks to the bar)
JAMES
Yeah, he went to London or something
ROSIE
(quietly)
Guys...the time!
RUSSELL
No, you're thinking of Dick Whittington...but he wasn't a cat, he HAD a cat.
JAMES
I thought Dick Whittington was a racing driver..?
FLEMING, having finished his drink, walks past with his paper under his arm.
FLEMING
That's Don Whittington, you imbecile...
JESS
Hang on, he's not real, he beat up a windmill...
MAX
(shouts over)
No, thats Don Quixote
(Jess looks at him, impressed)
It was on Quantum Leap the other day.
ROSIE
We're running out of...
RUSSELL
Well, fine, but...if he's Don Quixote then who's...
An explosion sounds from the machine - time has run out. All characters look at the itbox in despair. They each raise a hand, expressions not changing, and put a cigarette in their mouths. As shot fades they turn to walk out of the pub as one.
FADE TO BLACK
I'm so excited that someone likes it! We've got all 35 pages written and rewritten! We're now at the stage of giving it to all of our family, friends, anyone we can accost on the street(afterall, it'll make a nice paper hat if nothing else)to give us some nice, helpful criticsm. 