Skit Comp 21 - 29.7.14

Thanks for another phwoarsome skitcomp and congratulations to CRAIG H for whining. I mean winning of course. It was a joke. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Craig H
1 - 5 - Slarnder, Gappy, me

Your new subject: NUDITY (chosen by Tursiops).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except toads.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 29.7.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 45 - Gappy
2 - 30 - Slarnder
3 - 16 - me
4 - 10 - Craig H, Tursiops, Otterfox
5 - 5 - Paul Phoenix, Shirl the Whirl, Stonked, Dave C
6 - 1 - Zepp

WAN KING

TV STUDIO.
DICK and BONED.

DICK Good heaving lazies and gendermen and welcome to 'The Good Sex Guide', the guide to having good sex. My name is Dick Ende and tonight I'll be tossing and turning - actually that's only half-true - with my guest: child psychologist - he's only twelve - genius and reformed porn addict, Boned Idle. Mr Idle, welcum.

BONED All right geezer?

DICK Tonight we're going to disgust a filthy, sticky habit practised by semi-pubescent teenage boys... Why oh why, do lads like to have sex?

BONED I'm afraid a teen sees coitus as a substitute for masturbation: the movement of the beef bayonet within the gash is pleasantly reminiscent of plunking the twanger. If you will, he uses a lady's snatch as a replacement for the five dick beaters, and confuses bonking with the real thing.

DICK And where do these pervs - I mean, respectable members of society indulge in such wanton wank weplacements?

BONED As the gherkin needs jerking, he may lock himself in the pub toilet with a tart and bone her alone. He may wait until Mummy and Daddy are asleep; then extract a sticky two-dollar hooker from under the bed and pump her lady bits, fantasising she's a used copy of 'Razzle Readers' Wives' and he's actually flicking his bean over a real mag. When the desire to flog the bishop is exceptionally potent, he may give up, marry the bitch and have children and have to look after the spunk outcome for the rest of his days.

DICK How tragic. But contrary to the church, the establishment and Cliff Richard, there's nothing really wrong with a good f**k is there?

BONED Of course not - unless you're in a healthy meat-beating relationship with the palm of your choice. Many pinkies are jealous their owner's bonking a bonable bird when they're too busy to satisfy his needs - but you must simply explain to your digits that you've a fully grown cock and though it's wrong, sometimes you don't separate sex from love.

DICK But is a bit of how's your father bad or good for health?

BONED There are a number of health benefits to bump fuzzies, despite this still being taboo. Many believe a rabid rampant rogering will make you crazy, turn you blind and harm your self-love life. One reason is, f**king's unsafe: there's concern about STD's, seen as God's punishment for not slapping the purple-headed yoghurt pistol like everyone else. Yet slamming the wang is an ideal way to explore your partners' sexuality before stroking your mole. Banging can teach a lad how his bit of skirt likes to be touched, improving his confidence and increasing his chances of experiencing pleasure next time he shakes hands with Doctor Winkie, sacrifices sperm to the God of lonely nights or just has a wank.

DICK Well Boned, thank you for cuming and I hope you've put an end to these beastly rumours.

BONED Wanker.

The obvious joke:

A ROAD BY SOME SAND DUNES.

A MAN ON A TOURING BICYCLE WITH LARGE PANNIERS CYCLES UP TO A SIGN AND LEANS HIS BIKE AGAINST IT. HE READS THE SIGN.

"NUDIST BEACH"

HE THINKS NERVOUSLY FOR A BIT THEN THINKS 'WHAT THE HECK' AND STARTS TAKING HIS CLOTHES OFF. HIS WINKIE IS HIDDEN BY A POST IN THE FOREGROUND.

WHEN FULLY NAKED HE WALKS AWAY FROM CAMERA BEHIND A DUNE. HIS BIKE THEN FALLS OVER TO REVEAL THE SIGN:

"2 MILES ====>"

WE SEE HIM RUNNING BACK COVERING HIS RUDE PARTS, COLLECTING HIS BIKE, AND THEN LEGGING IT.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

THE MAN FINDS ANOTHER SIGN THAT SAYS:

"NUDIST BEACH
HERE "

HE TAKES A CLOSE LOOK BEFORE STRIPPING OFF (SPEEDED UP),BITS HIDDEN BY BENCH IN FOREGROUND, AND GOING OFF TO THE BEACH. HE COMES BACK IN A HURRY AGAIN AND HAS ANOTHER LOOK AT THE SIGN. HE MOVES SOME LONG GRASS TO REVEAL THE SIGN SAYS:

"NUDIST BEACH
THERE ===>"

HE CYCLES AWAY AGAIN.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
THE MAN PULLS UP TO ANOTHER SIGN THAT SAYS:

"NUDIST BEACH"

HE CAREFULLY CHECKS ALL AROUND THE SIGN BEFORE STRIPPING OFF AGAIN AT. HE IS NAKED WHEN HE NOTICES A CATERPILLAR ON THE SIGN WALKING AWAY. THE BUG WAS MAKING UP THE BOTTOM PART OF THE LETTER "B" AND THE SIGN NOW READS:

"NUDIST PEACH"

A LARGE NAKED PEACH WALKS FROM THE BEACH TO THE MAN. THE MAN THINKS, LINKS ARMS WITH THE PEACH, AND THEY GO SKIPPING OFF TO THE BEACH.

END.

TWO COPPERS FRED & PETE ARE WALKING INTO "CHAPPERS NUDIST BAR"

PETE
We're gonna have to blend in.

THEY WALK INTO THE TOILETS

CUT TO: THE NUDIST BAR, FULL VIEW. DANCE FLOOR AND ALL. EVERYONE IS NAKED, DANCING AND HAVING FUN.

FRED WALKS IN, NAKED.

PETE WALKS IN BEHIND, IN FULL CAMOUFLAGE GEAR.

THE BAR FALLS SILENT AND EVERYONE STARES AT PETE. PETE LOOKS STARTLED BUT QUICKLY RIPS OFF HIS CAMOUFLAGE GEAR AND IS NOW NAKED. EVERYONE CHEERS.

FRED
That was close

PETE
Yup!

PETE DANCES FORWARD ONTO THE DANCEFLOOR TO REVEAL HIS GUN ATTACHED TO HIS BACK.

[Sedate jazz intro, vocal and piano]

I pour a little brandy, and take off my evening dress
After a long night out on the town,
I do not feel my nudity should be the cause of stress
When I've got my own private eiderdown.

[Jaunty, Coward meets Stilgoe]

Why on earth do people wear pyjamas?
I'd be karmically calmer if I knew.
To put a little suit on
Before laying on your futon
Just seems a frankly barmy thing to do.

You wouldn't don a hat to use the toilet,
And you wouldn't put on spats to run a bath,
Yet you drape your puny form
In a special uniform
And then get in to bed, don't make me laugh.

CHORUS
Sleep naked!
It's the natural thing to do.
Sleep naked!
Just the fitted sheets and you,
Bedtime's no time for pyjamas,
Armour, scarves or balaclavas,
If sleep knits up the sleeve of care, you don't need real clothes too.

For I shall never be ill-dressed by moonlight,
I spurn the silk, the cotton and the flannel,
I'm not a fuddy-duddy,
I sleep in the bloody nuddy,
I take a tip from Marilyn - except I change the Chanel.

So make a pledge to buy no more pyjamas!
Leave those bananas garments for the prigs!
Do not think this detail
Will impact on British retail:
M&S can still sell pants and Percy Pigs

CHORUS

[Slow, bluesy outro]
But do put on some layers if your bedroom isn't warm
And don't flop about starkers when you're sleeping in a dorm
You little perverrrrrrrrrt!

I liked Stylee's a lot, could be nice Viz 3 framer. The nudity part was 100% irrelevant, though, so I feel I can't quite vote for it (also White Dog Shit is much more of a punk band than a metal band).

So, my vote goes to Tiggy. Very silly, but, as we all know, it's a man's life taking your clothes off in public.

Tiggy. No doubt, that was really funny, and the Peach ending was the right degree of absurdity.

Stylee.

Gappy/Noel Coward. I do like a funny song. Reminded me of the Penis Song by the Pythons.

stylee

Thought everyone was on a par this week. Difficult to choose as so many different approaches.

Stylee's was short and very funny!

Tiggy's was funny throughout but I felt a little let down by the punchline. Had it been a little stronger this would have been my vote.

Michael's was a cracking mad-as-a-box-of-frogs effort and made me laugh throughout.

Toughie but going to go for Michael !

Really liked Stylee, but going for Tiggy - nudist peach did it for me!