Skit comp 29.6 - 7.7.14

Thanks for another phwoarsome skitcomp and apologies for not getting it up quicker. My life's like anal sex: it's f**king shit. Anyway congratulations to GAPPY for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
5 - 10 - Gappy
2 - 5 - Shirl The Whirl

Your new subject: DUEL (chosen by SLARNDER).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except John Lennon.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 7.7.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 40 - Gappy
2 - 25 - Slarnder
3 - 10 - Otterfox
4 - 5 - Shirl the Whirl, Stonked, Michael Monkhouse, Dave C

[Classic Western scene, a dusty main street in a frontier town. Cut to COWBOY 1. Cut to COWBOY 2. Cut between them, and the blazing midday sun. Spanish guitar and woodblocks build tension. Cut to COWBOY 1’s hand hovering above his hip. Cut to COWBOY 2’s hand doing the same, fingers quivering. Cut between both their faces, close up, eyes concentrating and sweat dripping. Suddenly both reach for their belt. Cut to wide shot, revealing they are standing just inches from each other. Both awkwardly fumble their hands in their pockets, and after a few seconds both pull their hands out to show they have Mr Punch dolls on the end of them. They hit each other in the face with the little tiny sticks, making the wheezle noise of a Punch & Judy show. Eventually COWBOY 2 falls to the floor. COWBOY 1 makes his Mr Punch bow to all viewers by bending his fingers.

Cut to two OLD MEN leaning on the verandah of the tavern, watching the scene]

OLD MAN 1: That’s the way to do it.

[Pause. OLD MAN 2 brings his right hand up to reveal he has a Sooty puppet on the end, which he holds to his ear for a second. He nods, and looks towards OLD MAN 1]

OLD MAN 2: Ayup, I agree. He is a asshole.

[OLD MAN 1 bring his hand up, and we see he has a home-made sock puppet, which he holds aloft in the face of OLD MAN 2]

OLD MAN 1: Talk to the hand!

SCENE: EXT. THE COMMON.

A MILITARY MAN AND A CIVILIAN ARE STANDING BACK TO BACK WITH LOADED PISTOLS. THEIR SECONDS STAND BY.

FIRST SECOND
Gentlemen, you will take ten paces, you will turn and you will fire.

THE OFFICER STARTS WALKING. The CIVILIAN TURNS AND FOLLOWS HIM.

OFFICER
What are you doing?

CIVILIAN
Er... Turn, take ten paces...

OFFICER
No, you take ten paces and then you turn!

CIVILIAN
Oh! You know, that does make more sense.

OFFICER
Doesn't it? Let's try again.

THEY RETURN TO THE START.

OFFICER
Take ten paces, turn and fire. Got it?

CIVILIAN
Absolutely. Turn, take ten paces...

OFFICER
No, take ten paces then you turn!

CIVILIAN
I knew that. D'oh! Ten paces, turn, fire.

OFFICER
Now shall we start?

THE OFFICER TURNS.

OFFICER
Ten paces.

THE OFFICER GLANCES OVER HIS SHOULDER.

OFFICER
In the opposite direction to me!

CIVILIAN
Oh, right!

THE CIVILIAN TURNS. THEY START TO WALK AWAY FROM ONE ANOTHER. THE CIVILIAN STOPS.

CIVILIAN
Sorry to be a pain...

OFFICER
What is it this time?

CIVILIAN
I lost count. Did anyone see where I had got to?

FIRST SECOND
Four wasn't it?

SECOND SECOND
I thought five.

CIVILIAN
(TO OFFICER} How many were you on?

OFFICER
Five... Or was it six? I don't know! Blast it - you've made me lose my place!

CIVILIAN
You too? Best start again, eh?

OFFICER
Oh very well!

THEY GO BACK TO THEIR STARTING POSITIONS, BACK TO BACK.

OFFICER
And this time count off the steps out loud; then you won't lose your place.

CIVILIAN
Good thinking.

THEY BEGIN WALKING AWAY FROM ONE ANOTHER

CIVILIAN
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.

THE CIVILIAN SHOOTS AND ONLY THEN TURNS. THE OFFICER, HIS PISTOL LEVELLED, LOOKS ON IN ASTONISHMENT.

CIVILIAN
I should have turned and then fired, shouldn't I?

OFFICER
Oh, for pity's sake, man!

CIVILIAN
You'd best take your go.

OFFICER
Honour unfortunately decrees otherwise.

THE OFFICER DISCHARGES HIS PISTOL INTO THE AIR.

OFFICER
We will try again.

CUT TO THE SECONDS HANDING THE DUELLISTS THEIR RELOADED PISTOLS.

OFFICER
Right, ten paces, we turn, and then once we have turned, and only once we have turned, we fire.

CIVILIAN
Turn and then fire. I'm with you.

OFFICER
Right, good.

THEY STAND BACK TO BACK. THE OFFICER BEGINS PACING. THE CIVILIAN TURNS AND SHOOTS HIM IN THE BACK.

CIVILIAN
I forgot the ten paces didn't I? What am I like?! Shall we have another bash? Hello? Hello?

END.

Two young boys are sat at a table facing each other playing with pokemon cards. The first boy lays down a card and laughs. The second boy lays down his card and laughs harder.

TOBY: Ha! I win

BRIAN: Ah. Well played. So... Fancy another game?

TOBY: Nah I gotta get going

BRIAN: Shame.

TOBY places his cards in his pocket and puts on his jacket.

TOBY: See you at school tomorrow.

BRIAN: See you mate.

TOBY approaches the front door, opens it and exits.

He is walking slowly along the high street when a black van suddenly screeches up behind him and two large masked men grab TOBY and throw him into the back of the van. The van speeds away.

Back in the house of BRIAN. He is tidying his things away when his phone beeps. He grabs his phone and reads: "1 Picture message received"

BRIAN opens the text message and a picture of a TOBY appears, he is gagged, pokemon card taped to his forehead appears. underneath it reads: "I lay Flareon. I challenge you!"

BRIAN frowns, furious and calls the number.

Brief moment. Finally the phone is answered.

BRIAN: "I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very large collection of trading cards: Top Trumps, Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon. Some with very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career, well not a career, mainly in the school playground, of trading cards back and forth. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my friend go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will duel you."

Long pause.

VOICE ON PHONE: Good Luck.

...TO BE CONTINUED

How To Come Out as Straight:
Having a Conversation About Liking Pussy

A lot of breeders want to know how to come out to friends and family.
Once you are comfortable wanking over Megan Fox, you might want to come out as a skirt-lifter, hasbian, hetero or stiff-neck. After all, gay bum sex is like Facebook: it’s a pain in the arse. So here are some tips:
Decide who you are going to tell and how. The conversation you have with mom and dad might not be the same as with your f**k buddy or sister, especially if she’s the same person.
Pick a location. Choose a raving poofter club where you feel comfortable - somewhere pubic.
Gage how the person feels about birds. They probably start at the titties and work their way down.
Have a ‘feeler’, sorry a ‘feeler’ conversation. Here are some sentence starters:
“I was listening to Oasis, and Liam looks pretty het to me.”
“I was watching that film where Cameron Diaz washes the car, and I got a boner.”
“So what do you think about men marrying women?”
“Some kids at school started a gay/straight alliance. I was thinking about kicking their f**king heads in.”
Decide whether or not you still want to come out after the ‘feeler’. You have a few options:
Just say it. “Mom, dad, I’m a fud burglar.”
Ease in - not in that sense. “Dad, I’ve been having feelings for poontang recently.”
Ask a question. “Mum, what’d you say if I told you I’m a minge binger? A bean flicking, tit licking, cooch smooching, bearded clam slamming, clit raiding, kitty punching, shrub-scouting, gash-gobbling, mantsy muff-munching taco bumper and I wanna blow my load in Rihanna’s mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose? Mum?”
Don’t beat yourself off, sorry up. And remember: It’s long and hard but you can pull it off.

Masteruelist shall start with their backs facing each other and take 10 steps backwards
Sir Reginald: You sir have insulted my family name you have insulted my honor I shall have satisfaction.
Lord Larkin: I don’t understand what you took offence to.
Sir Reginald: You are a pure charlatan. You offended the name of my Mother.
Lord Larkin: Well it is not my problem if your mothers so fat that when she drives her carriage she digs new canals.
Sir Reginald: Withdraw that
Lord Larkin: Your mothers so fat I never know when i’ve withdrawn
Sir Reginald: How dare you, you scoundrel, apologise
Lord Larkin: Make me
Sir Reginald. Well that the point of a duel. You take it back or I shoot you.
Lord Larkin: What,that's not fair. What if I run off.
Sir Reginald: Then sir you will be a branded a coward and your second will take your place.
Lord Larkin: So if I run away I live.
Sir Reginald: But you shall live a cowards life.
Lord Larkin: Yes I might but your mother will still be fat.
Sir Reginald: You sir are a a a a
Master: You are going to have your second fight for you. This is somewhat unusual.
Lord Larkin: Surprising really, easy way to get out of it. You could ask someone you don’t like to be your second. Win WIn.
Master: Yes that is true,
Sir Reginald: Stop this incessant chatter. You sir are a coward, who is your second so I may get my satisfaction from them
Lord Larkin: Your mother, Don’t worry you can’t miss shes quite fat.

Michael's had me in creases! Brilliant stuff.

Michael gets my vote

Gotta go with Phoenix... Original, different and it left me wanting more (there better be more)

lol well I am not even gonna bother if people can't wait til its over before voting.

Quote: slarnder @ 7th July 2014, 9:31 PM BST

lol well I am not even gonna bother if people can't wait til its over before voting.

View original

Whoops. Sorry Slarnder. Do your magic

Phoenix for me. Anyone who uses pokemon in a sketch can't lose. Also I found it funny (if that matters!)

My vote to Tursiops

Yes, normally we wait until midnight on the closing date for people to post stuff

I thoguth Zepp's potentially very funny, but a little unfocussed, so for me it's a victory for Tursiops.

Another for Tursiops.

i am torn between paul micheal and tursiops , but I think tursiops just shades it . and I will get my shit in earlier this week lol