Some offensive skits for news revue

MRS JONES IS STANDING NEXT TO HER SULLEN DAUGHTER LAMBRINI WHO'S READING A BOOK AND COMPLAINING TO COLIN A TATOOIST STANDING BEHIND A COUNTER

MRS JONES
Oi Mush I'd like to make a complaint!

COLIN
What about? I can see you've got several tattoos but they all look fine, did we misspell any?

MRS JONES
No you twat it's my daughter Lambrini you didn't fix her right.

COLIN
Well we do do abortions on a Friday as a side line, though I don't recognise her. Not that I'd be looking at her face.

MRS JONES
No I mean you f**ked up.

COLIN
Oh you wanted her aborted. Silly me, well she's 14 by the looks of things, so you can't be expecting your money back surely?

MRS JONES
No I mean I sent her, here for her 12th birthday to get a tattoo and her nose and clit pierced and she came back in a right old state.

COLIN
How so?

MRS JONES
Well she came in here a foul mouthed slapper, just like her dear old mum. And she came out f**king reading. I want a breeder not a reader, if she don't get pregnant she'll never get a council flat and I'll never get her out.

CHARDONNAY
But mum, I want to college.

MRS JONES SMACKS CHARDONNAY AROUND THE HEAD

MRS JONES
Don't you f**king swear at me missy! Not pregnant at 12 you're making me look bad the only none grandmother at parents evening.

LAMBRINI
Sorry mum, I just don't fancy shagging blokes behind the recycling bins no more, I want to study literature.

MRS JONES
If you're grandfather could hear you, he'd be the laughing stock of the young offenders institute.

COLIN
Hang on was it a Wednesday you came in?

MRS JONES
I was sober, so I hadn't had me gyro yet, yeh Wednesday sounds right.

COLIN
Oops that's embarassing. You see we do piercings, mondays, tuesdays, thursdays and abortions on a friday

MRS JONES
What about Wednesdays?

COLIN
Female genital mutilation, it's a growing crowd with some of our Muslim clients.

2

2 CARDINALS SIN AND CREAM ARE CHATTING

CREAM
So how's Pope Francis settling into his new chambers?

SIN
Odd he doesn't seem to have slept in them? I heard he's sleeping in the guest quarters.

POPE FRANK STORMS ON STAGE

SIN
Ah we were just discussing you.

CREAM
Yes we were discussing you, we were wondering why you hadn't taken up your quarters.

FRANK
Because they're bloody occupied, there's half a dozen naked choir boys in my f**king bed.

CREAM
Ah perhaps you should consider them fixtures and fittings, the last pop did rather....

FRANK
Are you calling me a f**king paedo wooftah!

CREAM
No your holiness Francis.

FRANK
It's Pope Frank you tit, Frank by name Frank by holy f**king nature!

SIN
Did you atleast sleep well in the guest quarters?

FRANK
No I f**king didn't my bed was lumpy and the reason it was lumpy, is it's bloody well stuffed with Nazi gold. Still atleast my laundy came back a treat, look at the starch in my popes hat.

SIN
Ah that'll be the Magdalane laundry in the basement,

CREAM
Dorty girls clean the whitest pants.

FRANK
Rightsthat's bloody it, I'm defrocking paedo priests, swopping the Vatican bank for Nationwide and banning celibacy.

SIN
And investigating cooperation between the church and the death squads in Argentina in the 1980s

CREAM
Yes who was the bishop of Buenos Aries at the time?

FRANK
Now I come to think of it, what I meant was it's time for a slow investigation behind closed doors, forgiveness prayer and call me Francis.

I never knew that about frank ! sooty - educational and funny , what more could we ask for ?

I am not a writer or comedy expert, just your average punter but I thought the Pope skit very funny and btw there really is a Cardinal named Sin.

thanks couple more coming up. tomorrow most likely.

The pope one was good - sweary popes are just alwasy funny, aren't they, and this is a class example pf the micro-genre.

Other just seemed a bit obvious - although the name Lambrini made me smile.

yes I was blowing the dust out of the pipes on that one, the second one I was thinking of Pope Frank as sort of Holy Ray Winstone.

holy ray winstone

not sure if batman/robin ever used that one ..

These are good Sooty, did you ever send them?

Both good.

MRS JONES: I wish to make a complaint!

MR PRALINE: Is it about the Greek dancing?

MRS JONES: No, it's about these sketches that obviously rip off Python. These sketches should have dropped down the curtain and reached the choir invisible. They should be ex-sketches!

PRALINE: Sorry, I'll pass you over to Mr Gumby. I didn't want to be a complaints officer anyway I wanted...

(HUGE BOOT FALLS FROM SKY)

Liked the Popey one but the first one did nothing for me. I couldn't see the link to the punch about female genital mutilation from her coming back reading...sorry if I'm being thick but it felt like a cut-n-shut job to me with two unrelated halves being welded together.

yeh the pope was a favoured one, the other one was a bit confused so probably going in the bin.

Paul I usually ignore you, but here's some advice.

If you don't know a shop sketch is a trope that goes way before Python and the 2 Ronnies then you don't know much.

You might want to try education before oration.

Quote: sootyj @ 24th June 2014, 12:56 PM BST

If you don't know a shop sketch is a trope that goes way before Python and the 2 Ronnies then you don't know much.

View original

And it might be useful if, apart from broad setting, there was any similarity with the sketches you mention.

The complaint one did make me think of this though:

STORM AND ROGUE FROM THE X-MEN ENTER A CLINIC. THEY ARE SPEAKING ESTUARY ENGLISH.

STORM:

Oh Rogue, I can't wait to do this; I always wanted to be posh.

ROGUE:

Yes Storm, at last we'll be proper ladies, and Professor Xavier won't need to be ashamed of us at his toffee-nosed professorial dinners.

CLERK (O/S):

Ms Storm? Ms Storm, you're next.

STORM GOES OFF WITH ROGUE GIVING HER THE THUMBS UP. A MOMENT LATER THERE IS A TERRIBLE SCREAM FOLLOWED BY A FLASH OF LIGHTNING AND A BLAZING DOCTOR FLIES THROUGH THE WALL. STORM ENTERS EYES ABLAZE WITH ANGER AND SPROUTING ELECTRICITY

STORM:

Cheeky f**ker! Now where's that bastard Cyclops; "Female Mutant Gentrification Programme" the dyslexic twat!

I'm not saying it was a good thing it made me think of that, just that it did

Quote: Paul Wimsett @ 24th June 2014, 12:37 PM BST

MRS JONES: I wish to make a complaint!

MR PRALINE: Is it about the Greek dancing?

MRS JONES: No, it's about these sketches that obviously rip off Python. These sketches should have dropped down the curtain and reached the choir invisible. They should be ex-sketches!

PRALINE: Sorry, I'll pass you over to Mr Gumby. I didn't want to be a complaints officer anyway I wanted...

(HUGE BOOT FALLS FROM SKY)

View original

he's not an idiot , just a really naughty boy !

That was a very specific formulae joke style

I believe jokes about restaurants can be traced back to the biblical era

And the parrot sketch is ancient Roman and was about a dead slave