Does that chatup line ever work?
This forum altogether Page 7
Quote: Jennie @ 22nd June 2014, 6:50 PM BSTFixed that for you.
F**k me, do they not teach basic manners in school these days?
obviously not - with so many 'pc' rules these days , the teachers would be accused of 'restricting the child from an opportunity to freely express themselves ' . I wish they had some of the teachers I had in the 70s/early 80s lol
Quote: Jennie @ 22nd June 2014, 6:50 PM BSTFixed that for you.
F**k me, do they not teach basic manners in school these days?
Can I just say, if you are Graham Linehan... you are a legend 
Quote: Rupert Nitrogen @ 22nd June 2014, 8:49 PM BSTCan I just say, if you are Graham Linehan... you are a legend
Does that etc
Quote: gappy @ 22nd June 2014, 4:31 PM BSTFair enough.
But it's not the style, it's the scansion I'm getting at. Try to be consistent if you can, and the poem will work better, and people will laugh more (dunno if you're planning on reading these live, but if you do, I think people will get more out of it if they can hop onto a good train of rhythm for the ride).
I've used an alternating 4 stress/3 stress metre, which you edged towards in verse 3, because it's used in lots of nursery rhymes ("Little Miss Muffet"; "Little Jack Horner"), and I thought it might throw the dark subject into the light*. I can well imagine that you think that's too much, and not right for the tone of what you're trying to do, which is fine, but I just think you need to ensure that all your verses have the same scansion.
Basically, poetry is f**king hard - and comic poetry is f**king harder.
*Mixed metaphor there!
I see you in a new light Gappy. Excellent feedback. I like writing the odd funny poem here and there but I basically 'play by ear' as I have absolutely no knowledge of the technicalities. It's nice to have someone around who actually knows what they are doing.
Playing by ear is fine, Will, you don't need to be able to read music, but you do need to be able to tell whether you're in tune (to stretch the image beyond breaing point).
A good trick I've used before, if you're writing to a regular metre, is to read all the 1st lines of each verse one after the other, and they should feel the same as you say them (English poetry is based on stresses, not syllables, so don't worry if one of them is slightly longer than the others, so long as it feels right).
I find it's really easy to slide from one metre to another as verses go along, so it's helpful to keep that in check.
(Thanks for the kind words, BTW)
I have a few poems on both pages of this thread. If you have the chance to read them sometime I would value your opinion (apart from the one about Steve Sunshine and the cheese dildo!).
I said the same thing earlier in Rupert's Romeo showcase. But does anybody care? No it's just gappy this and gappy that. Sometimes I don't know why I stop watching the horse racing!
Because the guy running the carousel threatened to thump you.
Is it because a horse always wins?
Had a look at the pig one, you too are jumbling up normal word order and expressions to crowbar the rhyme Take what you have as a rough draft and if need be change words for different rhymes. This is where the real work lies.
My horses rarely win 
Cheers for the feedback Mark.
Welcome you are
Amazed by the comments of the original poster. I have posted a handful times on the forum and have been amazed as to how people I don't know, who have nothing invested in me, have taken the time to not only read what I've done but to then give me feedback (positive and negative).
I have received lots of feedback on here that could be considered critical but it is how you use it. Marc told me that my cancer based sitcom was a pretty poor idea, he explained why, he explained to me that I should thing more of the traditional sitcom type of premise - solid location, repeatable format. This turned out to be brilliant feedback and I am now writing something I am a whole lot more excited about, that has legs.
The problem isn't the forum, nor the feedback. The problem is you and the fact that you can't take negative comments and use them as fuel. Yes it's upsetting if someone slates your work but they do that for a reason - and it is to ultimately help you. I posted my first ever Rules of Life sitcom scene here and it got battered. I could've got upset about it but I tried to take what the guys said and make the appropriate changes. A year later and I'd filmed my project which ended up with lots of positive comments. So positive comments (which you say are lacking) are given providing the material is up to scratch.