There are some needy people in the world.
This forum altogether Page 6
STT has deleted his attempted button pushing post Will so that's ok. He didn't apologise for trying to get Rupert to leave but it's a start.
Has he gone? If not, here is some critique on one of your poems.
Here is the apparently unhelpful critique you don't want to hear: I don't like them. I find them clumsy, and awkward and caught uncomfortably between airy nonsense and very dark themes. And, most importantly, I can't work out why you've written them as poems - I suspect it's because just saying "There was a boy who was half frog who got bummed by a priest" wouldn't cut the mustard. I know this isn't what you might consider constructive, but it's all I've got. Chuck these out and start again.
But, if you want to write poetry that uses the forms of doggerel, and children's rhymes, and Edward Lear and all that - presumably in order to try to juxtapose with the adult content - you absolutely must get the rhyhthm right. You cannot drop a beat, or the spell will be broken. Your frog poem simply doesn't scan:
Johnny O'Twat was a Catholic frog-child,
Who had just returned from school,
He swapped his uniform for a sexy bikini,
And jumped in the outdoor pool,
O'Twat was splashing around with the boisterous dog,
But outside his fat mother came,
To tell him he needed to talk to the priest,
He said: "Oh f**k, what a shame!"
He didn't have time to dress smartly at all,
He put on a shawl and was gone,
Sped on his BMX to the local church,
To tell Priesty what he had done wrong.
So, try reading it and then read this:
Johnny O'Twat, the battrachian kid,
Had just returned home from his school.
He took off his cap, and he put on his trunks,
And he leapt in the family pool.
He splashed all around with a boisterous dog
When his mum cried, "It's time to confess!
Get down to the priest and report all your sins!"
Said Johnny, "Frog balls! What a mess!"
He didn't have time to seek out his best togs,
Just threw on a shawl and was gone.
He hopped on his Chopper and sped to the church,
And he thought of the shit he'd done wrong.
Now, that's not pefect, because it's from the top of my head, there are a couple of half-stresses that are subtly pushing against the rhythm; but, still, it is more consistent than your version, and a controlled galloping metre will help your story to seem more natural (and, in a tale like this, provide the illusion of speeding us to an inevitable tragic end).
Also, you shouldn't use awkward "poetic" constructions like "said Johnny," as I have, without good reason, because listeners can tell that you've written unidiomatically to squeeze into the metre, and they'll have their bubble burst, even if they can't articulate why. It's the same in yours - when you suddenly announce at the end of a line, a propos of nothing, that his brother is called Rick, listeners know - consciously or otherwise - that something will happen to a dick (or possibly a prick) in 2 lines' time: if you're set on getting comedy out of dicks, let them come as a surprise.
Is that helpful?
Awesome feedback though shows why I lay off the poims.
Lay off the Pimms too while you're at it!
Quote: Marc P @ 22nd June 2014, 12:52 PM BSTLay off the Pomms too while you're at it!
sound advice for Rolf Harrris
I know nothing about poetry but Gappy's rewrite read an awful lot better than the original. I'm guessing you should take his advice.
And you asked Jennie "Who are you?". She's a member of the same forum as you. When you asked for critique did you expect Ricky Gervais and Graham Linehan to give you feedback?
Quote: Scartledge @ 22nd June 2014, 12:58 PM BSTAnd you asked Jennie "Who are you?". She's a member of the same forum as you.
Well said 
Although I am also Graham Linehan...
He does come on here. A lot of pros do.
Quote: Scartledge @ 22nd June 2014, 12:58 PM BSTI know nothing about poetry but Gappy's rewrite read an awful lot better than the original. I'm guessing you should take his advice.
And you asked Jennie "Who are you?". She's a member of the same forum as you. When you asked for critique did you expect Ricky Gervais and Graham Linehan to give you feedback?
she's also someone who's opinion you asked.
Quote: gappy @ 22nd June 2014, 12:35 PM BSTHas he gone? If not, here is some critique on one of your poems.
Here is the apparently unhelpful critique you don't want to hear: I don't like them. I find them clumsy, and awkward and caught uncomfortably between airy nonsense and very dark themes. And, most importantly, I can't work out why you've written them as poems - I suspect it's because just saying "There was a boy who was half frog who got bummed by a priest" wouldn't cut the mustard. I know this isn't what you might consider constructive, but it's all I've got. Chuck these out and start again.
But, if you want to write poetry that uses the forms of doggerel, and children's rhymes, and Edward Lear and all that - presumably in order to try to juxtapose with the adult content - you absolutely must get the rhyhthm right. You cannot drop a beat, or the spell will be broken. Your frog poem simply doesn't scan:
Johnny O'Twat was a Catholic frog-child,
Who had just returned from school,
He swapped his uniform for a sexy bikini,
And jumped in the outdoor pool,O'Twat was splashing around with the boisterous dog,
But outside his fat mother came,
To tell him he needed to talk to the priest,
He said: "Oh f**k, what a shame!"He didn't have time to dress smartly at all,
He put on a shawl and was gone,
Sped on his BMX to the local church,
To tell Priesty what he had done wrong.So, try reading it and then read this:
Johnny O'Twat, the battrachian kid,
Had just returned home from his school.
He took off his cap, and he put on his trunks,
And he leapt in the family pool.He splashed all around with a boisterous dog
When his mum cried, "It's time to confess!
Get down to the priest and report all your sins!"
Said Johnny, "Frog balls! What a mess!"He didn't have time to seek out his best togs,
Just threw on a shawl and was gone.
He hopped on his Chopper and sped to the church,
And he thought of the shit he'd done wrong.Now, that's not pefect, because it's from the top of my head, there are a couple of half-stresses that are subtly pushing against the rhythm; but, still, it is more consistent than your version, and a controlled galloping metre will help your story to seem more natural (and, in a tale like this, provide the illusion of speeding us to an inevitable tragic end).
Also, you shouldn't use awkward "poetic" constructions like "said Johnny," as I have, without good reason, because listeners can tell that you've written unidiomatically to squeeze into the metre, and they'll have their bubble burst, even if they can't articulate why. It's the same in yours - when you suddenly announce at the end of a line, a propos of nothing, that his brother is called Rick, listeners know - consciously or otherwise - that something will happen to a dick (or possibly a prick) in 2 lines' time: if you're set on getting comedy out of dicks, let them come as a surprise.
Is that helpful?
More helpful, but your version isn't my style personally at all.
Fair enough. 
But it's not the style, it's the scansion I'm getting at. Try to be consistent if you can, and the poem will work better, and people will laugh more (dunno if you're planning on reading these live, but if you do, I think people will get more out of it if they can hop onto a good train of rhythm for the ride).
I've used an alternating 4 stress/3 stress metre, which you edged towards in verse 3, because it's used in lots of nursery rhymes ("Little Miss Muffet"; "Little Jack Horner"), and I thought it might throw the dark subject into the light*. I can well imagine that you think that's too much, and not right for the tone of what you're trying to do, which is fine, but I just think you need to ensure that all your verses have the same scansion.
Basically, poetry is f**king hard - and comic poetry is f**king harder. 
*Mixed metaphor there! 
You see what I mean, though, I hope
Quote: gappy @ 22nd June 2014, 4:31 PM BSTFair enough.
I've used an alternating 4 stress/3 stress metre, which you edged towards in verse 3, because it's used in lots of nursery rhymes ("Little Miss Muffet"; "Little Jack Horner"), and I thought it might throw the dark subject into the light*. I can well imagine that you think that's too much, and not right for the tone of what you're trying to do, which is fine, but I just think you need to ensure that all your verses have the same scansion.
Basically, poetry is f**king hard - and comic poetry is f**king harder.
*Mixed metaphor there!
In a sense, I understand I suppose
Quote: Rupert Nitrogen @ 22nd June 2014, 4:49 PM BSTIn a sense, I understand I suppose. Anyway, thank you gappy for taking the time to write two lengthy bits of critique. Whether I accept it or not, you have given up your time to help me and I really appreciate it.
Fixed that for you.
F**k me, do they not teach basic manners in school these days?