Sitcom About Toys

Hello. Back once again for the renegade master and looking for your excellent feedback on the two opening scenes of a sitcom I have in development set in a big toy store.

FADE IN:
EXT. TOY SHOP - DAY

Blue sky. Tilting down to reveal a TOY SHOP with the words "THE TOY BOX" in big letters above the ENTRANCE.

SHAUN (v/o)
This is it. My first big step into the real world. My first job. My first day. My first internal monologue.

Pull out to reveal the back of SHAUN looking at the TOY SHOP. Spin around to the front of SHAUN, wearing JEANS, TRAINERS, a plain T-SHIRT, an unzipped FLEECE and a RUCKSACK.

SHAUN (v/o) (cont'd)
You're finally doing it, Shaun. You're finally a man. A working man. A man of work. Working. Long hours. Oh no. No! I can do this because I am a working man! I am fearless. I am a tiger. (SHAUN bears his TEETH) I'm not scared of anything. I will rule this kingdom! (SHAUN raises his ARMS in a dramatic fashion)

A CAR HORN wakes SHAUN from his day-dreaming. Pull out to reveal SHAUN standing in the middle of the CAR PARK with three CARS queued up. A BIG MAN with a sleeveless shirt, exposing many tattoos, is leaning out of the nearest CAR WINDOW.

BIG MAN
Get out the (CAR HORN) way!

SHAUN in a burst of panic jogs across the CAR PARK to the ENTRANCE. A few feet from the OPEN AUTOMATIC DOORS, SHAUN stops and bends over. Out of breath and panting, clutching his knees for support.

SHAUN (v/o)
A minor setback. Don't let it get to you Shaun. Learn from it and move on.

SHAUN raises and heads towards the OPEN AUTOMATIC DOORS, a BIG SMILE on his face as he prepares to make his entrance. The DOORS CLOSE as he takes his first step, hitting SHAUN in the face and causing him to be knocked backwards and on to the PAVEMENT. A woman approaches, dressed and decorated in black from head to toe, GOTHIC in appearance. She looks down at SHAUN, clutching at his NOSE.

CHRISTY
Loser. (She smirks)

CHRISTY enters the building. SHAUN stands up quickly. He watches CHRISTY and then has a sudden JOLT.

SHAUN (v/o)
I'm in love. My first day in the real world and I feel like Cupid's arrow as struck my aching heart. At least I think it has. I didn't think it would actually hurt. Especially, not in the rectum!

SHAUN looks back for the source of the pain. Pull back to reveal a large arrow sticking out from SHAUN's ARSE. SHAUN screams and glances slightly up. Spin around to reveal a young boy, dressed as a Native American holding a just fired TOY BOW in the direction of SHAUN. Close up of SHAUN's face as he struggles to hold back his emotions.

CUT TO:
INT. TOY SHOP

CHRISTY is walking from the ENTRANCE in a straight line through the STORE. SHAUN jogs to catch up, pulling an ARROW from his backside and throwing it off-screen. SHAUN catches up with CHRISTY. The sound of something smashing off-screen can be heard.

SHAUN
Hi, I'm Shaun. I was just...

CHRISTY
Christy. Not interested.

SHAUN
Ah, well, you see...

CHRISTY
If you're here to ask me out, I'm not interested. If you're here to ask me where the Barbie's are, I'm not interested. If you're here to tell me I have just won the lottery... Guess what?

SHAUN
...You might be...

CHRISTY
Not interested.

CHRISTY walks on. SHAUN stops not taking his eyes off her.

SHAUN (v/o)
I'm so interested in that girl.

I think there is to much description going on, but in between it all there are some funny lines that can be developed. The voice over has a good sense of humour and is something nice to play with. Try it without so much description and let the characters show us.

Interesting. Thank you. I shall get to work.

Perfectly reasonable opening scenes, I think: sets up the situation and characters pretty economically, and has some jokes, both visual and verbal (although none of them have creased me up, I habve to admit). What happens next, then?

Well I am pleased you're interested to see what happens next.
Yes, the jokes needs a bit of work or at least more of them in general.

That was the feedback I was hoping for. I have established the setting and a few characters. I find when I have the ball rolling I can deliver more material but it's the early establishing scenes I struggle with or so I'm told. Thank you.

The rest of the pilot will establish the characters that make up the work-force. The plot being that Shaun may have bitten off more than he can chew by taking up this particular position and his struggle to convince himself that he can soldier on.

It's fine as far as it goes (I don't particularly like voice overs and have heard they put script readers off but no real issues apart from that. I also think you need to sharpen your jokes up a bit.)

But I can't really judge on such a short extract - most of the difficulty in writing is combining plot an character. I am concerned by "the rest of the pilot will establish". Don't establish just tell a story.

Quote: Jennie @ 21st June 2014, 10:00 PM BST

I am concerned by "the rest of the pilot will establish". Don't establish just tell a story.

View original

Yes, very true. Thank you.

I kind of liked this. I would agree that the joke factor has to increase, but It has got a sort of cosy feeling to it. Have you written any more?

I'd avoid all the "pull back to reveals" if I were you.
it's ugly on the page and it's pretty ugly when it's shot.

'He notices an arrow sticking out of his arse' does the trick.

Is there going to be a lot of voice-over - is that part of the tone?
I'd avoid, myself - it'll be a pain to keep up for six episodes and only invites comparison to other V.O'd sitcoms.

I like the premis - I like the guy - though worried he might be a bit 'inactive'.
Only the rest of the pilot will tell!

Quote: Lazzard @ 15th August 2014, 5:00 PM BST

I'd avoid all the "pull back to reveals" if I were you.
it's ugly on the page and it's pretty ugly when it's shot.

View original

I think I would agree with this. In a sitcom script I once wrote I had a 'pull back to reveal' type joke near the start. Although I thought the joke itself was quite good (at the time at least), it did take a bit of set up to get right and I wondered if the end result was worth the effort as it took up a lot of space on the page and relied on a lot of description and a few camera instructions.

After reading the thread header, I was hoping that the characters would be toys.

Vehicle for Mr Williamson?