Please criticize my jokes.

So I'm trying to write my first set please critique my writing I plan on taking some stuff out adding more stuff in but how does it look so far?

I was bullied in high school for the way I stand. I guess it wasn't manly enough I told them you'd stand like this too if you used a dildo this big.
No I'm not gay I've actually been married three years and my wife is great... In bed.
Getting married at 18 is tough because its like you go from answering to a bitchy mom for 18 years straight to answering to a bitchier mom for the rest of my life.
They say once you get married the sex stops I must be special because I've had sex two times in 18 months and my wife is due to have our second kid.
It's like I jerk off upstairs and the sperm is like a slinky making its way into the kitchen where she belongs and boom she's pregnant. I would deny the kids but my first one is a spitting image of me. She's going to make a lot of people laugh I feel sorry for her.
My friends say I'm conceded because I'm always looking in the mirror fixing my hair and making faces in every window we walk past but I have to look good who else am I going to get off to later.

Good, very good if you where on stage I'd be in stiches! ("Stiches" is the ruff nightclub next door!)

But that was good, write more please, I could do with some new material! :-)

Obviously by reading your jokes rather than seeing you perform them does hinder the effects of them somewhat. Pacing and timing are everything so I'd say you have a pretty good set so far if you can perform them with the right kind of energy that they require and hit your marks pretty well.

Some of them need a bit of tightening up. You'll probably find when you read them aloud that you'll start to see where to trim or change the joke to fit your pace and style. You'll need more to reach a 5 minute set. I've got you down at about 2 minutes but you're most likely aware of that.

As for the material, well it's pretty solid. You've got some good stuff there, structuring them accordingly will go a long way when you have a final set but you'll probably begin to shuffle things up and experiment a bit the more you perform anyway. I'm sure you're just trying to get whatever jokes you can down, which is great but may not be so good for one set if you're jumping all over the place. You've done well to kind of connect the jokes to create a flow but at 2 minutes it's rather fast paced from School to Marriage to Kids to your social interactions and ego. It's great but expand on each one and maybe look at a set for each.

Hope this helped and if it didn't, I at least wasted your time. I'm a winner.

I really appreciate it I was loosing confidence but I'm going to deff add more time and yea I see what you mean by tightening it up. It deff wasn't a waste of time I'm looking for critics I want to be the best at this one day.

And was that first comment a compliment?lol

Hi Shaun well done for working on and upwards. I want to see more truth in your material. And by truth I don't mean this really happened or that really happened but emotional truth. In this style of comedy we want to know how you feel about something. Nobody, least of all you thinks your wife is a bitch for example. If you do go the exaggerated route for one liners make it excessively metaphorical to provide the belly laughs. If it's not insightful nobody cares what you are saying just the way you say it. If it is insightful or 'observational' the audience have to believe the reality behind it to care. As a stand up observational comic you are basically sharing your feelings. Embrace that and dig deep.

I've actually worked on this a bit and I've added more jokes and can you give me an example I understand what you're saying but reading it or maybe seeing a comic who does what you're saying will help a lot but here is more to the set.

JOKES 2
I was bullied in high school for the way I stand. I guess it wasn't manly enough I told the you'd stand like this too if you used a dildo this big.
No I'm not gay I've actually been married three years and my wife is great... In bed.
Getting married at 18 is tough because its like you go from answering to a bitchy mom for 18 years straight to signing up for answering to a bitchier mom for the rest of my life.
They say once you get married the sex stops I must be special because I've had sex two times in 18 months and my wife is due to have our second kid.
It's like I jerk off upstairs and the sperm is like a slinky making its way into the kitchen where she belongs and boom she's pregnant. I would deny the kids but my first one is a spitting image of me. She's going to make a lot of people laugh I feel sorry for her.
I love my daughter with all my heart she's cuter than everyone else's kids. she's dirty though. You know you have kids when the most organized part of your house is the garbage can.
You neatly bag it throw it in a specified container outside. You should clean it out, I don't but you should. Everything in my house looks like the taz manian devil came through and shot on everything I'd clean it but I have a scrutiny and the knee slapping gets in the way.
I'm fine sitting in my own mess it's when I pull the little mermaid and friends out of the forest I have of an ass that gets me worked up. Really my whole body is hairless but for some reason I have the missing rainforest right in the crack of my ass. The reaction I get from the guys at the bar is priceless once they threw a razor at it. I was using 8 wipes instead of four for a month
My image means a lot to me it's how I get through my day.
My friends say I'm conceded because I'm always looking in the mirror fixing my hair and making faces in every window we walk past but I have to look good who else am I going to get off to later.

Obv I have to spell check and scrotum instead of scrutiny lol

I can't rewrite what is personal to you. Address the funny after you have observed something that resonates on a personal and audience recognition level. Otherwise you are just writing gags and they are ten a penny. Think universal through the personal to the universal.

Right I'm going to work on it for sure. Thanks.