Skitcomp 17 - 25.6.14

Thanks for another phwoarsome skitcomp and congratulations to SLARNDER for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Slarnder
1 - 5 - Gappy, Stonked, me
Speckled mention: Pedro Labeef

Your new subject: FUN TIMES.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except John Lennon.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 25.6.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Gappy
2 - 25 - Slarnder
3 - 10 - Otterfox
4 - 5 - Stonked, Michael Monkhouse, Dave C

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 17th June 2014, 9:00 PM BST

Thanks for another phwoarsome skitcomp and congratulations to SLARNDER for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.

View original

Come again?

Was that Freudian?

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 17th June 2014, 9:00 PM BST

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Gappy
2 - 25 - Slarnder
3 - 10 - Otterfox
4 - 5 - Stonked, Michael Monkhouse, Dave C

View original

Is that my points from about 5 years ago? Maybe I'd better get my finger out.

PAPER BOY: "Come on now. Buy your paper here!"

an old woman approaches

WOMAN: "What papers do you sell?"

PAPER BOY: "The Times."

Woman waits for more papers to be listed. The boy stops and stares awkwardly at her.

WOMAN: "Is that it?"

PAPER BOY: "Yeah. The Times"

WOMAN: "Well... Okay then. How much?"

PAPER BOY: "55p"

The old woman opens her purse and removes a heap of 5p's.

WOMAN: "55p you say? Okay then..."

The boy watches, in disbelief, as the woman begins to count out the 5p's.

The boy groans.

A hand reaches out and taps the boy, the hand gives him 55p and the boy gives the hand a paper.

No papers remaining.

The woman continues counting the coins

Finally...

OLD WOMAN: "There you go lovey. 55p"

PAPER BOY: "Ah damn. Sorry love, just sold my last paper..."

OLD WOMAN: "Oh... Oh well that is a shame. Well you can't say we didn't have fun!"

PAPER BOY: "Can I not?"

The woman turns and walks away, laughing to herself.

OLD WOMAN: "Eeeh good times! Fun, fun times"

Suddenly across from her a chubby looking, long white haired gypsy male is mown over by a car.

A man steps out with his cock hanging from his trousers. A blonde haired woman can be seen in the car drying around her mouth.

The old woman gasps shocked. The man turns to the woman, gives her the middle finger, climbs back into his car and speeds away.

The old woman rushes over to the dying gypsy. He hisses at her and grabs her by the face, he runs his blood soaked hand down her old wrinkly face...

GYPSY: "Funner... Fun...ner!"

The gypsy man dies.

TIM: Right, everyone, are we all here?

ALL: (CHEERS)

TIM: Brilliant. Well, let's go and get Sam and get his stag do underway!

ALL: (CHEERS)

NICK: I hope you've got some fun activities booked, Tim.

TIM: I surely have. Fun? You will not find a more wretched hive of fun and villainy! Now, let's get going, because we'll need to get changed quickly.

PAUL: Wahey! Are we going to dress Tim up like a baby?

NICK: Or a lady?

PAUL: Or a lady baby?

TIM: No, of course not, that would be entirely impractical. We're going to dress him in running gear. We're all going to dress in running gear.

NICK: Errm...why?

TIM: So we can go running, of course. There's a fun run at two - it leaves from the High Street.

PAUL: Are you serious? I'm not running about like a jessy on a bleeding hot day.

TIM: But it will be fun.

NICK: No it won't.

TIM: Of course it will! Why else would they call it a fun run?

NICK: Right. And, just so I can check, what are we doing after the "fun" run?

TIM: We're off on a special outing.

PAUL: Strip club!

NICK: Or quad bikes!

PAUL: Or naked lady wakeboarding!

TIM: Better. We're going to the C of E infant school fun day.

PAUL: And will there be strippers?

TIM: I'll just check. Errrmmmmmm....no. There'll be a tombola. And, of course, it'll be fun....because it's a fun day.

NICK: Tim, we asked you to book fun activities.

TIM: And I have! I found all the things explicitly described as fun I possibly could. You could literally not have any more fun than I've got scheduled. Wait till you hear the plan for later - we're going to listen to local radio until they do a quiz, and not ring in the answers! And then, I've got these unnecessarily small chocolate bars.

PAUL: This is a bloody disaster!

TIM: I could get smaller confectionary, if that would help.

PAUL: Of course it won't! It's a stag, man! We want to do fun things.

NICK: Proper fun!

PAUL: Actual fun, not just things that inaccurately, and often desperately, have fun in the name.

TIM: I'm not sure I follow. Can you give me an example?

NICK: Course. Real fun is dressing up like idiots.

PAUL: Ritually humiliating one of our closest friends.

NICK: Drinking over-priced lager in an over-crowded bar.

PAUL: Eating sub-standard curry.

NICK: And then throwing up in a taxi rank. You know,

PAUL & NICK: Fun!!

TIM: (PAUSE) Not sure I quite see the fun in that, to be honest.

PAUL: We'll do it all with our pants on our heads.

TIM: Oh! Why didn't you say so? Right, let's go!

ALL: (CHANTING) Ole ole, ole ole.

TIM: Hold on, have to make a call. Hi, is that Pat Sharp? Yeah, it's Tim here - look, sorry, but we don't need you any more, mate. [Beat] Yep, best tell your Dad to cancel the T-Bird too.

a cave . in the middle east. several bearded jihadists sat round a table.

jihadist 1 ; '' ok . so its Saturday night and you what that means . its fun and games night !! so , any suggetstions on what we play ?''

J2 ; ' I like battle-goat-ships ! '

J3 ; ' never heard of it . is it like the infidels battleship game ?''

j1 ; ' yes - but we have many goats . and much explosives .and walky talkys . and 10,000 square miles of mountains and desert . figure the rest out for yourself !'

j4 ; ' NO - I am sick of eating blown up lamb kabab with shrapnel dressing ! if I wanted to eat crap I would go to KFC !'

J1 ' Kabul fried chicken ? yes . only allah knows how you get 4 legs off of one chicken . '

J3 'ok , how about an executions contest ? we still have plenty of spare hostages .'

j2 ' sorry , we had a contest between the swordsmen and the firing squad last week to see who was best executioners .'

j3 ' really . who won ?'

J2 'the swordsmen . by a head .'

J1 'very droll . what is difference between a lesbian and a bomb vest wearing hostage ? '

J3 ' er...Khyber ?'

J1 'Khyber ? '

J3 ' yeah .PASS !'

J1 ' idiot ! the answer is tha they both got f**ked by a strap on !! do you get it ? '

complete silence for few uncomfortable seconds...

J2 ' yeah . that really bought the cave down . soooooo .. how about afghan monopoly ? '

J3 ' boringggggg ! all we do is build oil wells and blow everything else up !'

J1 ' ok - anyone for a game of pool ?'

j4 ' ah . the pool tables being used by the rodent branch of al queda to train for their latest mission - to infilitrate infidel bases , and swap the cue balls on the pool tables for replica ones made of plastic explosives . so when the American fools break off....well booom goes the dynamite ! '

J1 ' ok fair enough ' mousa el-je-reen can have it . how about trivial pursuit ?'

J4 ' oh no - that game can take years . the usa played it against saddam and bin laden and it just dragged on ..and on ..'

J2 ' yes .. a bit like a badly written sketch ! '

J3 ' how about darts... with missiles ! ? '

J2 ' why don't we just do what we are supposed to do and kill the American and English infidel dogs in battle !'

ALL ' allahu akbar !!!! '

J1 ' RIGHT !!! mustaffa , order the halal pizzas , and we will set up the widescreens and connect the ps3's ! call of duty it is !' NUKETOWN here we come ! '

end

JOYCE COMES OUT OF THE PUBLIC TOILETS AND JOINS ETHEL, WHO IS WAITING OUTSIDE FOR HER.

JOYCE - Ee, that were fun. Don't often have as much fun as that these days.

ETHEL - By 'eck Joyce, what the beggar did you do in there?

JOYCE - Eee, it were good. I didn't have to press the button to flush - you just wave at it and it flushes. It were that good that I queued up for another go.

ETHEL - You never did!

JOYCE - I did!

ETHEL - You could have more fun with a good old fashioned chain.

JOYCE - Where's the fun with a chain?

ETHEL - You remember Percy, my second husband?

JOYCE - They never did catch his killer, did they?

ETHEL - No they didn't. Well it were me! I unhooked the toilet chain, strangled him with it, then put it back again. The police inspector flushed the toilet with the murder weapon. Ee, I nearly wet myself laughing.

JOYCE - You never did.

ETHEL - I did. I laughed and laughed.

JOYCE - No, I mean you never killed Percy.

ETHEL - Didn't I? Oh, perhaps it were Reg then.

JOYCE - You fibbing whatnot! You'd remember if you killed someone. I.....ecky thump!...Reg was my husband. I thought he were killed in action.

ETHEL - Aye, he were, the dirty dog.

JOYCE - Oh, you murdering strumpet! I'm going to report you!

ETHEL - Don't be daft. We'll be late for bingo.

JOYCE - Is it that time already?

ETHEL - Aye, time flies when you're having fun.

Gotta go Gappy.

Shirl for me this week.

gappy; excellent premise - I could hear David Mitchell as Tim

Gappy - loved the logic - "why else would they call it a fun run?"

yep gappy yet again lol

'Tis Gappy once more.

Quote: Tursiops @ 26th June 2014, 10:25 AM BST

gappy; excellent premise - I could hear David Mitchell as Tim

View original

I think Mitchell is a great performer - or, to be more specific, a cracking actor for sketches - but I rarely find his voice in my head as I write. Or Robert Webb's. I do, however, quite often discover James Bachman reciting the lines as they form in my mind.

Actually, this isn't that helpful, because he's hilarious to me every time he opens his mouth, so I can't tell whether I've written something funny or not.

Living in Italy... Every time someone likes a sketch they go, 'Si - molto Python.' Can be any f**king think you like - they always say, 'Yeah I like, very Python.'