A Sitcom About Death

Hello. I am new here and while I would like some feedback, I look forward to contributing to this excellent platform for aspiring writers like myself.

I present here a small snippet of a sitcom I am currently working on. In a quick summary of the situation; Death is a job and just like many other jobs, it can get stale and rather dull or at least for the current Grim Reaper that is. In order to hang up the cloak he must find a replacement. The sitcom will follow Death and the surrounding characters he works with and lives with on his journey to find the next Grim Reaper. It's of a dark theme and nature but it is more fantastical in it's elements. Influenced by the incredible writing of Terry Pratchett and by my comedy heroes Ade Edmonson and the late great Rik Mayall among others. What is presented is the opening scenes of the pilot episode, it's rather rough and lacking many a gag. Nevertheless, here you are...

Scene 1. INT. Bedroom. Night.

We're in a dark bedroom lit only by the light of the moon. A man lay in bed. Face up. Dead. A small explosion and a puff a smoke in the doorway reveals a cloaked figure, pointing at the man with a boney hand and clutching a scythe in the other.

Death
Your... (He starts to cough uncontrollably)

The man in bed, startled, sits upright in the bed, clawing at his duvet in order to cower in fear.

Man
What do you want?!

Death
(Clearing his throat and speaking in a deep and booming voice) ...I said it was too much dry ice but he never listens to me, oh no.

Man
Who are you? Leave me alone.

Death
What?! Oh yes, the reaping.

Man
The what?! Listen here...er...this... this is a private residence so if you don't mind...

Death
Shut up! I am... Death. (Striking an heroic pose)

Man
Bollocks. When did that happen then?

Death
(Confused) Well, many moons ago of course, not in your lifetime anyway.

Man
I meant ME being dead. What happened?!

Death
Died in your sleep. You shouldn't have had that last slice of cake.

Man
Oh my god! What was in it? Poison? Razor Blades?

Death
No. It's just one of those things, you know. Fate and whatnot. It could of been opening your mail in a different order or not tipping those hard working thingies.

Man
Waitresses?

Death
Wheelbarrows.

The man looks on, unimpressed.

Man
So, this is it, is it? 61 years on this planet and I have to put up with this on my way out.

Death
I can make it much easier for you.

Man
Yeah, how? ... You're not going to sing are you?

Death
No but I'm sure I can hit the right note.

Death swings his scythe at the man revealing the title; "FUNNY BONES" (working title).

Scene 2. INT. Death's Kitchen. Day.

We're in a normal everyday kitchen. An old man with a receding grey hairline and wearing a tuxedo is sitting at a table in the middle of the room. He leans on his hands. Miserable. Death enters through the backdoor, holding his scythe and a woven brown bag, noticeably full. He drops the bag on the table with a thud.

Death
Another one to be processed, Edward.

Edward
Yes, sir.

Death throws back his hood to reveal a bearded 40-year old, very disheveled in appearance.

Death
Oh, it's nice to get home and put your feet up.

Death sits down and put his skeletal feet up on the table.

Edward
Sir, please.

Death
oh sorry, Edward. (He chuckles and grabs his feet. His hands and feet turn from bone into flesh and eventually skin appears) Edward, how long have you been in service here?

Edward
Too long, sir.

Death
Very good. Seriously?

Edward
Centuries, sir.

Death
Do you ever get tired? Ever thought of packing it in?

Edward
No, sir. What choice do I have?

Death
Yeah, I guess you're right. There isn't much is there?

Edward
I will deal with our guest. Your mail arrived this morning. It is in your study, sir.

Death
Thanks Ed.

Edward grabs the bag, rises and heads across the kitchen. Death grabs him as he passes.

Death (cont'd)
You'd tell me if you ever change your mind, right?

Edward nods. Death lowers his legs from the table and looks on perplexed.

Scene 3. INT. Death's Basement.

Edward walks down an old wooden staircase into a cobweb ridden basement, lit only by an exposed bulb hanging from the rafters. A strange and noisy machine occupies the majority of the back wall.

Man
(Muffled)...erm...Hello?

Edward stops in his tracks, holds the bag open and peers in.

Man (cont'd)
I said hello? oh, Who are you? What am I doing in this bag?

Edward
You're dead, sir. Please be quiet.

Man
Hold on. What do you mean dead? I'm still here, ain't I?

Edward
Yes, you're here, sir but you are not alive, sir.

Man
I don't get it.

Edward
I don't expect you too... sir.

Edward approaches the machine, opens a lid on top and starts pouring the contents of bag into it, obscured from view.

Man
No, please, give me a second chance. I've got so much to give. Please, I'm begging yooooooouuuuuuuu... What's that smell?

Edward shuts the lid with a bang, presses a few buttons and begins his ascent back up the staircase.

Scene 4. INT. Death's Study.

Death is sitting behind a big mahogany desk. He is clutching a letter and speaking on the telephone.

Death
...but this telephone bill is outrageous! I don't recognize these numbers. For example, I tried this one and I got through to "Dirty Debbie". Now why would I be interested in speaking to someone with bad personal hygiene? Hmm? ... Yes? Well I'm not paying it! ... oh ... oh yes, I see.

Edward enters and silently closes the door behind him and walks up to the desk.

Death (cont'd)
...Yes but...oh...no we don't want a visit from Mr. Big. (He sighs)...consider it paid.

He hangs up the phone.

Death
Bastard. (To Edward) I'm tired Edward.

Edward
I'll dust off the bed, sir.

Death
No, tired of all this, Death and whatnot. Besides I'm not sleeping on that thing again. The last time I slept on that monstrosity I caught rickets, I didn't even think that was humanly possible.

Edward
You're not human, sir.

Death
That's beside the point. No, Death isn't what it used to be. It used to be fun, meeting people, reaping people, general chit-chat with the rich and famous. Marilyn Monroe, Einstein, King Henry VIII...

Edward
(Interrupting) ...Ken Dodd...

Death
Yes although he's still ticking over, isn't he?

Edward
That hasn't stopped him.

Death
I want out. I want to be sipping cocktails under the hot Caribbean sun on a topless beach. Full of colour and life and...(his eyes light up)...

Edward
(Interrupting) You know what that means, sir.

Death stands and grabs his scythe.

Death
Yes, I must buy some suntan lotion.

Edward
No, sir. The other, more important, thing to do.

Death
oh, oh yes. Pass on the scythe.

Death and Edward nod in agreement. Death admires his scythe and runs a finger across it, pricking his finger in the process.

Death (cont'd)
Ow, oh Bugger.

Death shakes his hand to relieve the pain.

Sorry, I think Terry Pratchett has cornered the market with Death with a capital D. And his stuff has been shown on Sky anyway. If you like way out writing you could also try some original premise?

Not so sure Pratchett is famous for sitcoms but you might want to check out Mulberry.

All feels a bit sketch-like, I'm afraid - and faintly reminiscent of Old Harry's Game - the Andy Hamilton thing about the devil.
If - as it seems you might - it's going to be about Death handing on the job to someone else, it might be worth considering writing it from the POV of the would-be-recipient - actually make it about them, not Death.

Thank you.

Yes, I rather feared the Terry Pratchett like response.

You make an interesting point Lazzard. If this was just the establishing scenes and we shifted focus to the unwilling recipient of the job do you think I may have something worthwhile?

Any feedback on the writing itself, minus the theme, would be very helpful too. While I am aware it is admittedly quite rough, this is my first attempt at writing pretty much anything so I'll appreciate all comments.

You're dialogue is economical and you've got some good jokes in there.

That's good.

But it doesn't tie into a plot and characterisation enough.

Also and this goes to everyone sending sitcoms to critique.

STOP BLOODY NARRATING RIGHT NOW.

(Clearing his throat and speaking in a deep and booming voice) ...I said it was too much dry ice but he never listens to me, oh no.

is a great line made clumsy.

Go for

"it's the dry ice isn't it?"

I liked

Death
Died in your sleep. You shouldn't have had that last slice of cake.

Man
Oh my god! What was in it? Poison? Razor Blades?

Death
No. It's just one of those things, you know. Fate and whatnot. It could of been opening your mail in a different order or not tipping those hard working thingies.

But I'd go for.

Death
Died in your sleep. You shouldn't have had that last slice of cake.

Man
Oh my god! What was in it? Poison? Razor Blades?

Death
No. it contained cake, it's bad for you didn't you see the adverts?

Basically your dialogue now I read it again is good, a little unpolished.
But because it's not feeding into characters or setting it's a little superfluos.

Death's a bit of a cliche. You've inspired me to have a go at something....

That's excellent feedback. Thank you very much. I'm pleased you were inspired by it as well. I shall continue to work hard on it and thank you for the narration comment, I shall fix that immanently.

If I were you Wozzie I would take the feed back and work hard but on another project. The odds are so stacked against this premise that you would be better channeling your talents and enthusiasm into something more placeable, even if it isn't. Everybody loves their first idea, the trick now is to put it aside, do something else and then come back to it.

I'd agree Family Guy have done the whole death as a nerd to death if you'll forgive the pun.

Duly noted Marc P. Thank you.

I enjoy concepts which are against the norm. Which may put me at a slight disadvantage anyway.

I do, however, plan on completing this pilot, before or after my next project, at the very least to hone my skills.

There is usually a reason why ideas are against the norm. In a mainstream medium for an untried spec writer you are digging a deeper hole. Who knows you may strike gold. It's statistically unlikely, I guess if I were were you I would clearly define your expectations. What do want from this project specifically? Anyway well done and forge on, my advice is free and probably valued at its worth.

And Family Guy nicked it from you know who anyway.

It is not against the norm Marc if we all know the idea. I challenge you Woozie to come up with original ideas.

Sorry Paul we seem to be speaking different languages. Are there a lot of sitcoms with Death as one of the main protagonists on TV then, is it the norm? I know flat share/office based sitcoms, for example are what you might call the norm.

In sitcom nobody really cares about original ideas, it's all about original execution.

What about a sitcom about a bloke who think's he's death? But he isn't, he's just a nutter in a robe with a gardening implement.

Quote: Woozie @ 16th June 2014, 1:07 PM BST

You make an interesting point Lazzard. If this was just the establishing scenes and we shifted focus to the unwilling recipient of the job do you think I may have something worthwhile?

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If the idea was "ordinary guy gets the job of being death" then you have to start with your ordinary guy in his everyday life.
I think a supernatural comedy on that theme might work quite well.
The writing style, well, as I said - its a bit too much like a sketch, a little too in love with the 'idea' if you get my drift.