I should like to try a little thought experiment; while awaiting my feedback from Simon and Declan I wondered if anyone else would like to give an opinion on my submission to see if what they found wrong with it is apparent to all.
It is a bit long so no need to read it all if it doesn't grab you either, but I thought I'd put it all up to make it a slightly more robust experiment. Any and all views welcome.
Sorry for some of the formatting issues, I have tried but can't fix.
SCENE 1: EXT. THE UNIVERSITY OF GREATER GOOLE - DAY
A bleak wintry morning in a grim run-down inner city ex-polytechnic landscape. IAN WALKER trudges down the street, turning his collar up against the wind.
Ian turns a corner and is confronted by two youths in hoodies, they move towards him in unison, a silver object gleams in the hand of the nearest youth.
Ian dodges down a passageway, speeding up but not daring to break into a run. Suddenly, two more youths appear at the end of the passageway, Ian shoves between them and breaks into a run as they turn to pursue him.
SCENE 2: INT. HALLWAY SCHOOL OF MEDIA & CULTURAL STUDIES
Ian hurries down the hallway past a sign "School of Media & Cultural Studies". The hallway has offices down either side, and is scruffily decorated with movie posters. Ian, visibly relaxing, is about to enter an office. His hand on the handle, he glances over his shoulder. The corridor is empty. He turns back to be confronted by one of the hoodies holding up a knife.
STUDENT
Got the knife.
IAN
Oh God!
In a panic, Ian fumbles for his wallet.
IAN (CONT)
Look, take it all just don't hurt me.
The Student plunges the knife into Ian's chest.
STUDENT
No. The panto knife, you know, from our project. I got the knife and Jase got the beanstalk.
The student gestures to another student struggling with a mass of foliage advancing down the corridor).
IAN
Ah, yes, Darren, I didn't recognise you with your...erm...
He indicates the hoodie gear.
IAN (CONT)
And how was 'Reservoir Beanstalk'?
Darren recites as if a mantra.
DARREN
Well, you know, it's a genre re-defining post-modern classic.
IAN
And the kiddies?
Darren shrugs.
DARREN
They did scream a bit when Mr Jack Pink cut up his Mum for squealing to the giant.
Ian winces.
IAN
Critics eh? Well, I'd love to stay and chat Darren...
DARREN
Great, 'cos Jase and me were wondering...
IAN
Sorry, Darren, perhaps I wasn't clear. I meant 'stay and chat' in the sense of 'stop talking and go'.
Ian grabs the beanstalk off Jason and goes through the door leaving the confused students in the corridor.
SCENE 3: INT. IAN & NICKY'S OFFICE - DAY
A scruffy and untidy office. The only unusual feature is a very large chair back obscuring a desk from view. To one side NICKY BARNES, an attractive woman in her late-20s sits at her computer. Ian enters.
NICKY
Morning mate. Nice foliage.
IAN
Mornin', Nick. Just some debris from the Tarantino at the panto project.
NICKY
Thought you were running the "Alan Titchmash: Master of the Televisual Universe" course again.
Ian tosses the foliage in the corner.
IAN
Nah, he's had his day. Nowadays Gordon Ramsey is where it's at. "Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares: Post-Brechtian Fables for the Modern Consumer".
NICKY
You are so full of crap. Someone's gonna spot you taking the piss one day, then you'll be in trouble.
IAN
I can't help it if I see complexity and subtlety in the outwardly mundane. Time for the "Stealth Chair of Relaxation".
Ian in the massive chair, totally obscured from view.
NICKY
Do you actually think that no one knows you are sleeping in that chair?
IAN
No one, it's the perfect crime.
NICKY
So your suspicion wasn't raised when you woke up to find your screen-saver changed to "I'm Dr. Snoozy, I Shag Herons"?
IAN
A computer glitch, I am reliably informed.
NICKY
Or when your trainer laces had become mysteriously entangled with the blinds?
IAN
A common phenomenon related, I believe, to crop circles.
NICKY
Or the socks stapled to desk incident?
IAN
Look sod off, I need a kip it's been a very stressful day. Already.
NICKY
I suppose it's better than your old trick of lying down by the bookshelf and then pretending to be getting a book off the bottom shelf if anyone came in.
IAN
That worked really well until they oiled the hinge on the door.
NICKY
Ah yes, the infamous Lecturer buckaroo game?
CUT TO SCENE 4: INT. IAN & NICKY'S OFFICE - DAY
IAN is on the floor covered in books, coffee cups, a computer keyboard, and a student sat in a chair.
CUT TO SCENE 5: INT. IAN & NICKY'S OFFICE - DAY
NICKY
Probably best not to get too comfortable anyway; not with you seeing Karen at ten o'clock.
IAN
No, that's next wee...oh shit! Why didn't you say?
He leaps up knocking things over in his panic, and runs out; Nicky speaks to his retreating back.
NICKY
You're welcome.
CUT TO SCENE 6: INT. KAREN'S OFFICE - DAY
The office is as clean and tidy as Ian's is messy. Karen and Ian are sat opposite each other in mid conversation.
IAN
Lots of people fall asleep in lectures.
KAREN
Not when they are giving them Dr Walker, and what about the two students you lost on the field trip?
IAN
Now that does happen to everyone.
KAREN
Perhaps. When 'lose' means 'wandered off' not 'killed in a bar brawl'.
IAN
They were defending the honour of the University.
KAREN
At a computer fair?
IAN
There was a dispute over database size...
KAREN
Isn't there always? But that's not why you're here today, Dr Walker.
IAN
What? So why are we talking about them?
KAREN
Small talk Dr Walker, I was putting you at your ease.
IAN
My Ease? What do you do if you want to scare someone?
KAREN
(WITH CHILLING CALM) You really don't want to know.
This is allowed to sink in for a beat too long.
KAREN (CONT)
So, to business; the Dean of the Business School would like to see you.
IAN
Oh shit!
KAREN
Problem?
IAN
That lot are like the Mafia, they had a couple of my students rubbed out last year.
KAREN
Dr Walker! How often do I have to remind you? This is the real world, not a film!
SCENE 7: INT. THE DEAN'S OFFICE - DAY
A plush office with executive fittings. THE DEAN (Marlon Brandoesque) is laid on the floor by the bookcase. As Ian enters he grabs a book.
IAN
Were you...?
DON
(HEAVY ITALIAN-AMERICAN ACCENT)
Just getting a book.
IAN
Erm, okaaay. You asked to see me Dean?
DON
Indeed I did Ian. Call me Don by the way.
IAN
I thought your name was Brian?
DON
(FIRMLY) Don.
IAN
Erm...yeah, sure.
DON (CONT)
Ian, do you know where most of our students come from?
IAN
I always assumed it was a combination of care in the community and the fourth circle of hell.
DON
(MIRTHLESS) Ha. Ha. No. In fact, 75% of our students come over from China; our friends over there source them for us.
IAN
What, the triads?
DON
What? No. The University of Husang Nu.
IAN
Oh, sorry... Hang on a minute, we don't have that many Chinese students, I'd have noticed.
DON
No, by a quirk of fate it seems that many of these students want a more... erm... practical education in catering and security services.
IAN
Oh my God. But that still isn't 75%.
DON
Well, many have already 'graduated' into the wider economy as it were. But they are still a part of the family here at the University...
IAN
And still paying their fees?
DON
Precisely, a win-win situation.
IAN
So what has this to do with me?
DON
Well, we are having a little inspection visit tomorrow, and they are rather expecting to see all of our students in situ, as it were.
IAN
So we have to prove that several hundred students who are in fact propping up the black economy of the greater Goole region are dutifully attending lectures?
DON
Exactly. Or rather you do.
IAN
Me? But I'm not involved in this...
DON
Ah, but Ian, you have always been so keen on defending the University's honour...
IAN
Oh.
DON
So, Ian, consider yourself elected as Chief Audit Officer, with special responsibility for not getting us closed down.
IAN
What if I refuse?
DON
Don't make me mention contracts Ian.
IAN
(ALARMED) Contracts?
The Don begins to propel Ian towards the door.
DON
Termination is such an ugly word.
IAN
Termination?
DON
Remember, my door is always open.
He slams the door in IAN's face.
SCENE 8: INT. IAN & NICKY'S OFFICE - DAY
Ian enters looking shaken, Nicky is sat at her computer.
NICKY
He didn't pop a cap in yer ass then?
IAN
I believe you're thinking of Gangsta rappers rather than actual gangsters. But he did threaten me with a contract.
Karen's head appears round the door.
KAREN
Not a film, Dr Walker, not a film.
She disappears, after a brief glare Ian continues apace.
IAN
I mean why me? You lose a few students, burn down the odd building and suddenly they think they own you... and to top it off, the Don has just warned me that...
The chair spins slowly around to reveal PROF GRIMES, a weasely man, making Ian jump.
IAN & NICKY TOGETHER
How did you get here?
GRIMES
An inspector can get everywhere Dr Walker and (LOOKS AT NICKY)...girly. My old friend Karen Smith, your charming Senior Administrator, suggested I meet with you briefly prior to tomorrow's interrogation.
NICKY
You mean inspection?
GRIMES
Of course, that's what I said. <BEAT> Warned you about what, Dr Walker?
IAN
Erm...that you might trip up.
GRIMES
Really, Dr Walker? <BEAT> Well, I'd better be careful then. I'll be back tomorrow with my team... and Karen of course, she wouldn't miss this for the world. Goodbye Dr Walker. Girly.
He leaves and Ian slumps with his head in his hands.
IAN
Oh God. I'm dead.
NICKY
Girly! Don't worry, he won't get the better of us.
She puts her arm round his shoulders & a steely glint enters her eye. There is a crash from outside the office.
GRIMES (V.O.)
I tripped over, don't worry, I'm fine.
SCENE 9: INT. IAN & NICKY'S OFFICE - DAY
There is a campus map on the table and for some reason Nicky is dressed as a soldier and is pushing counters across the map with a stick as in war movies. Ian enters.
NICKY
Right, we only have about 30 students so we'll need to move them around between lecture rooms without being seen.
She points at the map.
NICKY (CONT)
I've located 3 tunnels we can use, I've decide to call them...
Ian is gawping at the room and Nicky.
IAN
Let me guess: 'Tom' 'Dick' and Harry'...when did you turn into Dickie Attenborough, and where the hell did you get all this stuff?
NICKY
Do you want this to work or not?
IAN
(DISTRACTED)Sure, sure.
NICKY
I've got a script for each class so that the students are convincing when the inspectors arrive. Can you handle making sure they're in the right place?
IAN
(ABSENTLY) Yeah.
NICKY
I've called in some favours and got the academic staff doing the food and stuff to cover the students.
IAN
Yeah...I mean they're all highly qualified academics, I mean what could possibly go wrong?
CUT TO SCENE 10: INT. CANTEEN, DAY
Disorder reigns, alarms can be heard going off. An espresso machine explodes over a member of staff. Etc.
CUT TO SCENE 11: INT. IAN & NICKY'S OFFICE - DAY
Ian and Nicky shaking their heads in sorrowful disbelief.
NICKY
Okay, soldier, are you ready to go?
IAN
Stop it. Now. And where the hell did that come from?
Pan to vaulting horse in the corner. Nicky looks shifty. Karen's head appears round the door.
KAREN
This is exactly the sort of thing I was talking about.
SCENE 12: INT. A CORRIDOR - DAY. I
IAN, KAREN, GRIMES and 1 other inspector stand in the corridor. Ian is poised with his hand on the door.
IAN
First we'll take a look at a German class.
KAREN
(TO GRIMES) Keep a close eye on him David. I know he's up to something.
She turns menacingly to Ian.
KAREN (CONT)
I'm going to enjoy watching you crash and burn Dr. Walker.
KAREN's phone goes off.
KAREN (CONT)
Karen Smith...yes? Are you sure? I'll be there right away.
She snaps her phone shut and puts it away.
KAREN (CONT)
I'm afraid, I've been called away. Urgent administrative business.
IAN
Yes, misuse of paper clips is an important matter.
KAREN
How did you...?
IAN
Hmm? Know what? We'd better get on, lectures to check, etc.
He ushers the team into the room as fast as possible.
SCENE 13: INT. A TYPICAL LECTURE ROOM, DAY
A lecturer is writing on the board in German. He speaks with a strong German accent.
GERMAN LECTURER
Zat is how a native German speaker vud structure zat sentence. Any qvestions?
A student puts up his hand.
GERMAN LECTURER
Yes?
STUDENT
(READING)Would a native German use the accusative dative in this context?
GERMAN LECTURER
I'm glad you asked zat qvestion...
SCENE 14: INT. A NEON-LIT UNDERGROUND CORRIDOR. DAY.
Nicky leads the students along the corridor. She hands some paperwork to each student as they pass.
NICKY
Go!...Go!...Go!
The students look confused and exit.
SCENE 15: INT. OF A SIMILAR LECTURE THEATRE, DAY.
The inspection party is entering. The room is full of the same Chinese students, some of whom have obviously swapped jumpers and jackets.
ENGLISH LECTURER
So does anyone have any questions? On Shakespeare?
No response. Students look down to avoid his eye
ENGLISH LECTURER (CONT)
Anything at all? Perhaps about if he was the true author of all the plays?
A student puts up his hand.
ENGLISH LECTURER (CONT)
Yes?
STUDENT
Was Shakespeare the true author of all those plays?
ENGLISH LECTURER
Yes. Yes he was.
STUDENT
Thank you.
A bell sounds.
ENGLISH LECTURER
Well, that's the end of the session, see you all next week.
SCENE 16: INT. A CORRIDOR, DAY.
Everyone files out into the corridor. As the students run off to the tunnels led by Nicky in full combat gear the inspectors regroup.
GRIMES
That seemed in order; they do seem in a rush though.
IAN
Probably off to the library, mad for a bit of study they are.
INSPECTOR
Why is that woman scuffing sand into the floor?
Nicky is doing the Great Escape routine. She looks up guiltily and shuffles off.
IAN
Erm, I think she's doing a joint degree in - erm - English and mining.
INSPECTOR
English and mining?
IAN
Yeah, erm, DH Lawrence mostly I think. Shall we get a coffee before the next class?
They stop at a kiosk and are served by a profusely sweating man who is clearly the English lecturer.
INSPECTOR
Have we met somewhere before?
ENGLISH LECTURER
I don't know. Perhaps you saw my Hamlet?
Ian is making 'shut up' gestures.
IAN
I think we'd better get moving now...the exciting world of Engineering next, this way gentlemen.
INSPECTOR
(PERPLEXED) Why would a drinks seller think we'd seen his Hamlet?
IAN
Did he say 'Hamlet'? I thought he said 'omelette'.
GRIMES
Omelette?
IAN
Yes. I'm sure. Very proud of his egg-based snacks. Come on, no time to waste.
As they rush away they pass a security guard who salutes elaborately. It is the German lecturer.
GRIMES
(PERPLEXED) Isn't that...?
Ian hurries them along.
IAN
Hurry, we need to get through this one before lunch.
SCENE 17: INT. A NEON-LIT UNDERGROUND CORRIDOR. DAY.
Nicky is rushing the students along, bumps into one and drops the papers she is carrying, mixing them up. She scrabbles about on the floor obviously getting more confused. Eventually she just thrusts them at students.
NICKY
Go!...Go!...Go! (UNDER BREATH)Oh shit, oh shit!
SCENE 18: INT. A SIMILAR LECTURE THEATRE, DAY.
The inspection party enters. Again it is full of the same Chinese students, again they have swapped tops, and some have them the wrong way round.
INSPECTOR
(WHISPERING) Look here Dr Walker, these are the same students we have seen in previous classes.
IAN
Are you saying they all look the same to you? Really Professor Grimes, where do you get these people from?
INSPECTOR
But they do...?
She is quelled by a look from Grimes.
IAN
Would you like to pop into our Equal Opportunities Centre before you leave? We have a great exhibition on racist assumptions.
Grimes looks angrily at the other inspector.
GRIMES
I'm sure that won't be necessary Dr. Walker, everything seems in order, one final lecture and then a bite for lunch, I think.
They take their seats.
ENGINEERING LECTURER
And that is how a nuclear reactor works. We used to be able to give a demonstration before the health and safety Nazis got involved. Any questions?
A student puts up his hand.
ENGINEERING LECTURER
Yes?
STUDENT
Would a Native German use the accusative dative in this context?
ENGINEERING LECTURER
I'm glad you asked that question ... erm, because there were a lot of German scientists involved in nuclear research at the end of the war... erm, no, erm, any other questions?
Another student puts up his hand.
ENGINEERING LECTURER
Yes?
STUDENT
Was Shakespeare the true author of
all those plays?
ENGINEERING LECTURER
What? What has that to do with Nuclear reactors?
GRIMES
Just what I am wondering Dr Walker.
Ian leaps up.
IAN
Right! That's it! Out! I've told you about this! Sneaking in to lectures on other courses.
The students look confused.
IAN
Come on!
They all stand up to leave.
IAN
No! Just the German student.
All sit down except the student who asked the German question, who begins to make his way out.
GRIMES
What about the English student Dr Walker?
IAN
Yes, alright. (POINTING) and you, Shakespeare boy, yes you. We've had enough of your student pranks, disrupting other people's lectures.
SCENE 19: INT. SELF SERVICE DINING AREA, DAY.
The inspection party is entering, the staff are the lecturers already seen in half-baked disguises.
GRIMES
This is most odd Dr Walker, but I have found nothing clearly in breach of regulations I shall have to pass the inspection.
Ian tries to hide his relief.
IAN
I'm surprised you thought you would, I'll get us a table.
He walks off, the inspectors come to a till run by the German lecturer. Absent-mindedly he salutes. Grimes stares.
GRIMES
I know you, you're the German lecturer!
LECTURER
No no, old boy, I am vorking here in ze canteen, man und boy.
GRIMES
(SUSPICIOUSLY) Are you sure?
LECTURER
(WAVING AN IDENTITY CARD)Look, my
papers are all in order.
GRIMES
(LOOKING CLOSELY) Hmmm. OK. Sorry
to bother you.
The lecturer relaxes, Grimes pays for the food.
GRIMES (CONT)
(INNOCENTLY) Vielen Danke
Mein Herr, Guten Tag.
LECTURER
Bitter Sehr Her Inspektor.
Cut between the face of the lecturer and Ian as they realise what has happened.
SCENE 20: INT. IAN AND NICKYS OFFICE, DAY.
Ian is stood by his chair.
IAN
And of course it all unravelled from there. God knows what Don is going to do, I think I'm dead.
NICKY
Look, I'm sure it won't be as bad as that.
IAN
Contract? Termination? How much worse can it get can it get?
NICKY
He can't have meant what you think,do you want me to talk to him?
IAN
(RESIGNED) No, I'll just get a bit of chair time, I mean, of course you're right it's like Karen said. The Business School; the Mafia! I mean how ridiculous.
Ian sits down and Nicky leaves.
CUT TO: SCENE 21: INT. IAN AND NICKYS OFFICE, DAY.
Ian waking up in the chair. As he comes round he sees a horses head on the desk in front of him. Rising with a scream he runs to the door and bumps into Nicky in the doorway.
IAN:
Don sent me a horse's head, Oh My God I'm dead!
NICKY:
Calm down, the students came back with the rest of the panto gear, that's all
IAN:
(BABBLING WITH RELIEF) Oh Thank God! Thank God, of course, the students, bless
them, how thoughtful...
He turns back into the room and looks at his desk.
The horses head has a pool of blood around it.
