Hello people. I've been looking at this forum for a few weeks now after submitting a comedy script to the BBC writersroom. I've been getting itchy waiting for feedback so would appreciate any thoughts on the below? It's the first 7 pages (couple of scenes). Thank you in advance, it is greatly appreciated.
LOG LINE
After a minor misdemeanour, a career-focused pub manager is exiled to Britain's only motorway pub, which is more lively and dysfunctional than he could ever have imagined.
EXT. MOTORWAY. EARLY MORNING - ESTABLISHING.
SFX: 'BEAUTIFUL DAY' BY U2
A small car drives along an otherwise empty motorway.
CUT TO:
INT. SMALL CAR. EARLY MORNING.
SFX: 'BEAUTIFUL DAY' BY U2 - CONT'D (CAR STEREO)
NICK POTTER is driving the car, he's on his own. He's a young man wearing a shirt with the sleeves rolled up. The window is down with sunlight beaming inside and Nick is cheerily singing along to the music, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel.
CUT TO:
EXT. SERVICE STATION. EARLY MORNING.
The car pulls into a service station and then into a large, deserted carpark. Within shot is a burger van and a large pub, THE PILGRIM'S REST. In the middling distance is the rest of the service station (pumps, shop and a portakabin).
Nick parks his car.
Nick gets out of the car and walks up to the entrance of the pub, whistling U2.
CLOSE UP OF NICK'S FACE: Nick takes a look at the pub, draws a deep breath, closes his eyes and exhales, smiling.
PROTESTER 2 (O.S)
There he is, the new manager!
NICK
(opening his eyes)
Huh?
Nick is hit in the face with an egg.
NICK
Argh! What the fu-
PROTESTERS (O.S)
Scum!
Marching towards the pub is a small group of PROTESTERS, several carrying placards. Ahead of the pack is the PROTEST LEADER, a new-age-hippy-looking person.
PROTESTERS (CHORUS)
What do we want? No pub! Where do we want it? Not on our motorway at junction 42 heading off towards Chippenham!
The protesters stop 20ft away from Nick, creating a battle line.
PROTEST LEADER
Hey maaan, you're like the new manager, huh? Got the name badge an all, huh?
Nick looks at his name badge which reads 'Nick Potter: General Manager'. He covers the badge with his hand.
NICK
Who are you? I've got egg all over my face-
The protesters murmur and chuckle.
NICK
(cont'd)
And on my clothes. It's my first bloody day!
PROTEST LEADER
Hey maaan, nothing personal, but we don't want a pub here maaan and as the manager for the man, it ain't cool maaan.
NICK
Stop saying man!
The protesters all prime themselves with eggs, about to throw them.
NICK
Wait wait wait! What have I actually done wrong?
PROTESTER 2
You're the devil offering temptation!
NICK
Far from it, I can assure you!
PROTESTER 3
You're managing a pub on the motorway!
NICK
Erm, how does that chant go again?
PROTESTERS (CHORUS)
What do we want? No pub! Where do we want-
Nick turns on his heels and makes a dash for the pub door.
PROTEST LEADER
The man tricked us maaan! Get him!
The protesters launch their eggs in the air. Nick is fumbling in his pocket for the doorkeys. From the POV of the egg about to hit Nick in the face, it suddenly smashes into an umbrella which has appeared out of shot.
DAVE CHOCKLEY and BARRY PIMPLE, the resident barflys have arrived at the scene just in time and begin shielding Nick from the barrage of eggs with umbrellas whilst he fumbles for his keys.
NICK
What?! What?! Who?!
DAVE
Don't you worry pal, we've got this sorted!
(beat)
What's taking so long?!
NICK
They're freshly cut keys, freshly cut keys! I've not used them before!
Bits of yoke start to drip onto them.
NICK
(cont'd)
This is mental!
BARRY
We can't hold them off, we can't!
DAVE
Control yourself, Barry!
BARRY
We can't, Dave, we can't!
Dave slaps Barry across the face.
DAVE
By God man, I won't have panic in the ranks.
BARRY
Sorry Dave.
NICK
Aha! It's open!
Nick opens the door and the three of them fall into the pub. Nick locks the door behind them. The protesters immediately stop their protest and disperse in silence.
CUT TO:
INT. PILGRIM'S REST PUB - MAIN BAR AREA. EARLY MORNING
Nick, Dave and Barry are dusting themselves off. Nick surveys the pub. The decor is standard Wetherspoons-esque with generic pictures of the countryside screwed to the walls, numbered tables and an Itbox.
NICK
Thanks for your help back there. What was that all about?
DAVE
(distracted)
No problem pal, no problem at all.
NICK
And who are you-
Dave and Barry are walking towards the bar. Nick starts to follow them but spots KATIE, an attractive young woman with headphones on on the other side of the room by some sofas. She is bent over, reaching down the sides of a sofa.
Nick looks down at her bum. He looks back at Katie's face. She is staring at him with her headphones round her neck.
KATIE
Oi! Getting a nice look there are you?
NICK
What? No! God no, sorry!
Katie walks over to Nick.
KATIE
Well judging by the middle-management clothes, and the fact you're in here with egg on your face, you must be the new manager?
NICK
Yes, Nick Potter, call me Nick, and you are?
Nick offers his hand.
KATIE
Best not, I've just spent half an hour scrubbing sick out of the carpet and I think it's still under my fingernails a bit.
Nick grimaces.
KATIE
(cont'd)
But I'm Katie, the head barmaid.
(eyeing Nick up and down)
So you're my new boss eh? Hope you won't be too hard on me?
NICK
Only if you want me to!
KATIE
Sorry?
NICK
Ahem, what?
(points towards the sofas)
Can I ask what you were doing down the sides of the sofa?
KATIE
Collecting my tips.
NICK
Right.
KATIE
Today it's two jelly babies, a single dirty playing card - Queen of Spades, lovely - and 75p.
NICK
Big tippers then.
KATIE
(looking Nick up and down)
You don't seem that 'eggy'? On their first day, managers here always get turned into human omelettes by the protesters.
NICK
Ah, two blokes helped me.
KATIE
(alarmed)
Two blokes? What did they look like?
NICK
Well, they looked a bit homeless actually.
KATIE
Dave and Barry.
(looking around worried)
Be on your guard.
SFX: CRASH OF A BARSTOOL FALLING OVER (O.S)
Nick and Katie run over to the bar. Dave is lying face-up
on the bar with his mouth under one of the taps. Barry is
on the floor next to a barstool on its side.
KATIE
What on earth do you think you are doing?!
DAVE
Huh? Just having a little drink, Katie, feel free to put your feet up.
Katie storms over to Dave and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. Nick picks Barry up. They take them to the pub door and throw them out, locking the door.
KATIE
Can't believe those guys!
NICK
Who are they? Should I phone the police?
KATIE
No no, they're fine. Dave Chockley and Barry Pimple, our resident barflys. They always turn up long before opening and they always leave long after closing.
NICK
This is a great start to my day. Is there anywhere I can get cleaned up? And then can you show me to my office?
KATIE
Yeah sure, come with me.
SFX: BANGING AT WINDOW.
Nick and Katie look around and Dave is banging on the window to get their attention. Dave points at his wrist like he's indicating 'it's time'.
KATIE
(shouting into the window)
Dave, we're open at 8, you know that. Plus, you don't even have a watch on.
Dave shrugs.
KATIE
(cont'd)
And after the stunt you pulled this morning, I'm not serving you till 10 anyway.
Dave collapses to his knees.
DAVE
(muffled through glass)
Noooooo!
Barry sees Dave on his knees and does the same, but howls like a dog. Dave looks at him disparagingly as Katie and Nick walk off screen.