Wanted by people who make sitcom.
The six Ps apply equally to presenting a sitcom and making a sales pitch.
Too late to a bit of research re first point before posting here. But I am sure you will get some feedback.
Spec script - Door To Door Page 2
Quote: Sam Broberg @ 19th May 2014, 11:17 PM BSTI have written a sitcom pilot based on my experiences of being a door-to-door salesman.
I think this is the problem really.
The fact is, your experiences are neither funny nor interesting. Nor are mine, nor are anyone elses. Sitcom is exaggerated reality. In fact, it isn't reality at all.
It has drops of essential truth that we can all relate to, but other than that everything is entirely unreal.
The extract you posted is just banter. There is no story and no jokes.
Sitcom is about relationships, not situation. The title is misleading - it should be peoplecom.
Get some characters together. Exaggerate them. Then exaggerate them some more. Take it from there.
The experiences I had during that job were funny - that's what gave me the idea in the first place. Obviously I have exaggerated the characters with my own embellishment and have created a narrative arch throughout the series.
Though I agree that there's not much story in what I've posted, it is, afterall, just 2 scenes worth. This is merely the first introductions of the characters, and the stories and relationships do follow.
I'm new to this site, and am finding it very interesting reading scripts posted on here as oppose to commissioned scripts. The one stand-out mistake that I'm seeing - and that Jennie said - is that it's just banter. I must have read dozens in Critique in the last 24hrs and I'm saturated with them. There are so many scripts that contain cookie-cutter people (typically men) speaking in the author's voice for pages and pages of banter. I've only seen a few plots in over a year's worth of submissions.
I don't want to patronise as I don't know you (and I certainly am not any further in a scriptwriting career than you), but read lots of good scripts, lots and lots and you'll see the difference in dialogue. You can normally pick them at charity shops on the cheap.
Rethink and rewrite, and well done for getting something down in the first place, it takes motivation most people don't have.
Quote: Sam Broberg @ 20th May 2014, 4:50 PM BSTThough I agree that there's not much story in what I've posted, it is, afterall, just 2 scenes worth. This is merely the first introductions of the characters, and the stories and relationships do follow.
How much do you think those scenes cost? Trust me scripts hit bins far quicker than two scenes. Far far quicker.
Quote: Sam Broberg @ 20th May 2014, 4:50 PM BSTThe experiences I had during that job were funny - that's what gave me the idea in the first place. Obviously I have exaggerated the characters with my own embellishment and have created a narrative arch throughout the series.
No, they are funny to you. They won't be to anyone else, because we aren't door to door salesmen and cannot relate to the experience.
For example, I have written a sketch about a particular type of form I have to fill in at work. It makes my work colleagues laugh because they can relate to the experience of filling in this form. It would make anyone else want to slit their wrists.
People are funny. Situations are only funny when they are driven by people. If you walked into a bar tomorrow and saw a man fall through the bar - you might giggle, but you won't really laugh.
Del Boy falling through a bar is funny because of all we know about his character and the particular situation that character found himself in at that moment.
Also, British sitcom generally does not have a narrative arc. If it does, it is secondary to the main story of each episode.
Quote: Sam Broberg @ 20th May 2014, 4:50 PM BSTThough I agree that there's not much story in what I've posted, it is, afterall, just 2 scenes worth. This is merely the first introductions of the characters, and the stories and relationships do follow.
Story, character and relationship needs to start in the first line of the first scene. Look at any sitcom - the story starts straight away.
I don't want to discourage you, but I think reading up a bit on the genre will really help you. Marc Blake's books are a good introduction to the mechanics of sitcom writing.
Quote: Andy Ball @ 20th May 2014, 4:56 PM BSTI'm new to this site,
Welcome 
Hi Sam
I think it came to life a bit more in the second scene where he met his co workers and there was a hint of tension between Tom and Edward. The first scene didn't seem to have much point to it .. you could just have a montage of Tom knocking on peoples' doors and them telling him to f**k off in funny and original ways. This would get across the point that he hates his job and is shit at it. It's fine to use your own experiences as starting points but as Jennie said, you really need to exaggerate and manipulated these to be funny within the context of a story. If your experience is that someone just offered you some cider once, it's not that funny, but if say Tom ended up getting hammered and punching a badger, or someone dressed as a badger, in the face in a public place (ok perhaps not that, but something that ups the ante a bit)
This may well suit a mockumentry style thing. But in order for that to work the dialogue needs to be really sharp and funny... which I didn't think this was.. sorry.
Good luck
Quote: Mattytheswan @ 20th May 2014, 5:10 PM BST
This may well suit a mockumentry style thing.
Sadly the days of the mockumentary are over. We've discovered we have real people who are actually prepared to behave like idiots for our amusement (e.g. that Call Centre programme on BBC three).
I would make this studio based. You can still have a sitcom about door to door salesman, but get some places for them to meet regularly - an office, a café etc. Keep it indoors as much as possible.
This is a scene in the pilot where I think the story is introduced:
INT - JOE'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Joe is sat behind his desk taking down notes.
Tom enters.
JOE
Tom. Just the man I wanted to see. Come take a seat.
Tom takes a seat.
JOE CONT'D
(Shuffling through some documents)
Now - I've been looking at some recent numbers - and your sales have been falling. In fact, they're almost non-existent. This is not acceptable Tom. What have you got to say for yourself?
TOM
Well it's not my fault. I keep getting given bad territories to do.
JOE
There's no such thing as a bad territory. It's what you make of the territory.
TOM
And can't I try to sell something that people actually want to buy? Nobody gives a shit about saving badgers.
JOE
How many sales have you done today?
TOM
(Sheepishly)
One.
JOE
See what I mean? You lost your attitude again didn't you? Number one rule in sales - always have a positive attitude.
TOM
But it was really cold today as well.
JOE
Don't give me that excuse. When you have a positive attitude - your attitude becomes your coat. The wind and the rain doesn't affect you when you have a positive attitude.
TOM
Well I think it does.
JOE
Someone of your ability should be ringing the bell every single day. You've got the capacity to become a superstar salesman Tom - but with a shitty attitude and a piss-poor mindset - you'll get nowhere.
TOM
I'm not sure I want to be doing this for much longer anyway.
JOE
What do you mean?
TOM
Being in sales. It's just the same old shit every day.
JOE
What!? Being in sales is the greatest job in the world.
TOM
It's really not.
JOE
Well can you think of any better jobs?
TOM
Yeah loads. Rock star, film star...porn star.
JOE
I don't believe it. So is this it then? Are you quitting?
TOM
Not yet, no. I'll hang around until I can find something better.
JOE
(Anger rising)
Wait for something better!? This is such a slap in the face. I want positive examples in my office Tom - career minded individuals. Not somebody who sees this as a dead end job.
TOM
But I don't want a career in sales.
JOE
You don't want a career in sales? That's mental!
TOM
Well, I'm sorry, but I don't want to spend the rest of my working life having doors slammed shut in my face.
JOE
Do you know truly know that?
TOM
Yes! I wasn't put on this planet to be forever knocking on doors. Life's too short for that shit.
Tom and Joe sit in silence for a few seconds.
Careful of repetition.
What you tell us above is that:
1. Tom isn't doing very well and
2. Tom wants to quit.
You could deal with that in six lines. Then you need to add a joke, and maybe give a bit more of a flavour of their personalities. These are two pretty bland people at the moment - what is Joe like as a boss? Is Tom super keen, super incompetent or super lazy?
Hey, no-one said it was easy
So what's the story??
Quote: Jennie @ 20th May 2014, 5:14 PM BSTSadly the days of the mockumentary are over. We've discovered we have real people who are actually prepared to behave like idiots for our amusement (e.g. that Call Centre programme on BBC three).
I take your point about the call centre thing, but I don't think the days of mockumentary are necessarily over. Just been watching "People Just do nothing" and thought it was great. It does tend to be people doing variations of David Brent impressions though and for this reason doesn't feel that original and a bit of a cop out almost. But then again, studio sitcoms are hardly original so guess it just comes down to how well they are written and produced.
So, he wants to leave ? But he has to stay of course, or you do not have a series ? So what is that reason? He needs to have something at stake, something driving him.
In brief, the story is that Tom does not initially enjoy his job or his colleagues, and he finds himself disenchanted with the general public.
The natural antagonist would be Edward, who loves direct sales and is rather proficient in it, to the despair of Tom.
As the series progresses, Tom finds himself getting better at sales and uses this as a catalyst to compete with Edward in every way.
So what's the story this episode? What happens today?
Sorry Sam that is not a story. We get that from the git go. And if he is crap he would be binned. A story involves setting an aim and getting that aim thwarted by the end in a sitcom and we we are back as we were again. Like I say get hold of some books and do some research. Lots of stuff out there.