Skit Comp 16 - 24.5.14

Thanks for another phwoarsome skitcomp and congratulations to GAPPY for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Slarnder
Speckled mention: Me

Your new subject: TV (chosen by me).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except John Lennon.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 24.5.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy
2 - 5 - Slarnder

[GOTH, classic moody type dressed in black, dourly strumming a guitar, and singing in a low, depressing voice with his lank hair falling over his face. We come in towards the end of a song]

MAN: The blood-stopping wings of the crow
Wrapping around my black soul
The dark loathing glance of the foe
And some drizzle.

[He strums out a last, clanging chord on the guitar. Pause. Pan out to BOSS, a man in a suit behind his desk]

BOSS: And that was your suggestion of music for scene 62, was it?

G: Yes.

B: Scene 62. In which Makka Pakka and Iggle Piggle wait for the Ninky-nonk.

G: I hate waiting for trains.

B: Do you? And, can I just check, did you make reference to the Tittifer birds, watching from the leafy trees, as I asked in the brief?

G: Of course. Didn't you hear the bit about "Prometheus' bleeding liver rent by the beaks of desire"? It was a metaphor for the cold-judgemental stare of the Tittifers.

B: Of course it was. And I suppose it was a metaphor for walking over the Tune Bridge when you sang about "wanking into the hungry abyss"?

G: No, that was just there to rhyme with "manticore's kiss".

B: So it was, how silly of me.

G: You don't like it, do you?

B: You could say that. Or, you could say, compared to last week's efforts, "The Rotting Snout Of Pigling Bland" and "Morph Shall Tear Us Apart", I'm actually well disposed towards it. And yet, in a very real way, I'm certain it's completely unsuitable for children's television, and that your contract with C Beebies is hanging by a delicate filament and only something amazing offered in the next 60 seconds will save your job.

G: I've got another song.

B: Have you?

G: Yes. It's about a day at the beach, like you said.

B: I see. And what's it about? The oppressive surge of the stinking crowd? A dying crab tangled in a discarded condom? Sunstroke?

G: No, of course not. It's about the classic tradition of donkey rides.

B: Oh. Go on then, pass it over. [Takes piece of musical notation paper from G]. "Crushed By The Buttocks Of Slavery"?

G: It's written from the donkey's point of view.

STRAIGHT UP

REPORTER After yet another lezzer came out, there's a new self-help group for men coming to terms with being heterosexual. The group, 'She's Got Nice Tits Ain't She?', aims to reassure lads who prefer birds that they're OK. It asks normal questions minge-bingers ask when accepting they're not butt-pirates. Questions like: Why am I like this? What does being a straight breeding stiff-neck mean? Who do I tell and how? Can I live a 'normal' life wanting to have a shower with Cameron Diaz while my favourite Spice Girl feeds me hamburgers in the buff, instead of orgasming every time Graham Naughton quips, 'I don't know what's come over me'? Should I tell my colleagues, or will other actors be offended? Am I normal? Is it just a straight phase? How will my parents react, they answer 'Les-bi-gay?' with 'Yes, let's'? Can I fit in with the 'hetero lifestyle', or is a throwing up Indian food while listening to Oasis so passé? Will I lose my friends? I don't have any baby factory mates and being a het is not accepted in my culture.
It's a sixty-nine (ha ha) week program exploring the issues of being a hettie in a professionally-run group in a friendly community setting, facilitated by counselling psychotherapist Tiger Woods. Downhill gardeners of all ages are welcome. It involves a combination of professional education, informed discussion and learning through sharing. After sixty-nine (ha ha) weeks, straights should have stronger confidence and understanding of support networks, connecting with others to decrease isolation, and increased knowledge of how to come in safely, leading to increased self-esteem and empowerment. There's really nothing wrong with being a skirt-lifter - straight up.

masterbator .

camera pan out to reveal masterbator kitchen with 3 men stood waiting.

voiceover; 'these 3 hopefuls are hoping to become the next masterbator champion , and follow in the footsteps of previous winners gordan ramsey & Jamie oliver .'

Gregg and john walk in and face the 3 hopefuls .

john ; ' welcome to master bator , the final . its been a 'hard' few weeks , but you 3 are the last 3 wankers still left in , and one of you will win tonight and be crowned master bator champion . ! '

Gregg ; ' that's right john - wanking doesn't get tougher than this ! '

both walk over to first contestant .

john ; ' hi paul , what made you enter this years master bator ? '

paul ; ' well , I am doing it for my family , especially my sister who has been a great inspiration '

Gregg ; ' are you from Norfolk by any chance ? '

paul ; ' yes , how did you know ? .

Gregg ; ' ermmm call it intuition . so what are you wanking for us tonight ? '

paul ; ' well its a pork sword , with a gentle batter , and a creamy little finish ! '

Gregg ; 'lovelllllllly ! I look forward to seeing the results ! '

john and Gregg walk over to contestant 2 .

john ; ' hi derrick , how are you ? '

derrick ; ' good thanks , nervous to be here but proud to be following in the footsteps of great wankers like ramsay , oliver , morgan , price ,joey Essex , jedward , the whole of Essex , east London wide boys , the cast of made in Chelsea , the footballers of Chelsea and of course you two guys - john , you are a great aussie wanker in the tradition of paul Hogan and recent aussie test sides , and Gregg is probably the best well know bald headed wanker in the country . and theres a few of them . '

Gregg ; 'wow , that's wuite a list with some big names on it ! so tell us , what are you knocking out for us tonight ? '

derrick ;' I am using an old French technique that invoves taking a fresh baguette , removing the middle with a corkscrew , and the using it as a soft warm love tunnel '

john; ' and are you making your own baguette ? '

derrick ; ' yes a mixture of fine French flour and crumbled Viagra '

Gregg ; ' why the Viagra '

derrick ; ' to make sure it rises... '

john ; ' thanks derrick and good luck '

they both walk over to the 3rd contestants area - which is now deserted !

Gregg ' oy ! malcom , where are you ?? we need to speak to you ! ''

voice comes from behind doors : '' JUST COMING CHEF ''

"Sir do you mind steppin' outta the car and doin' a breath test."
"Look, you've had two pints, you're over the limit, that's a twelve month ban and a criminal record."
"Ey, it's company policy. I've got to let you go."
"I know there's only twenty thousand on the clock, but that's my final offer."
"Oh that's just great, Matt! No license, no job... now what?"
"So, what's it gonna be?"

"Fosters please, mate."

gappy for me - can't get '' morph , morph will tear us apart ..again '' ... should be released as a single .

Gappy with Slarnder cumming close.

Very close bwteen Slarnder & Michael...I think I'm teetering toward the former.