EDIT:
To save starting a new thread, I've added this weeks gags to last weeks thread.
The new ones are first, there's only 3 as I was going for quality rather than quantity. O and I'm rubbish at this sort of thing.
WEEK COMMENCING 12TH MARCH 2007
CALIFORNIA BUSH FIRE
A forest fire in the Anaheim Hills, 35 miles south-east of Los Angeles, caused a wave of euphoria across America today.
Apparently initial reports indicated that Bush was ablaze in the state of California.
CRUFTS
Following fierce competition, the title Best in Show at Crufts 2007 has been awarded to Tibetan Terrier, Fabulous Willy.
Previous winners of the award for ‘worlds greatest dog’ are 'Chance' an Australian Shepherd, 'Cause Celebre' a Norfolk Terrier and famous Essex bitch Jade Goody.
TURKEY MOVEMENT BAN
Following the recent clean up operation after an outbreak of avian influenza at a Norfolk poultry farm, the Government ban on the movement of turkeys has now been lifted.
An imminent announcement is now expected on the date that Tony Blair will be leaving downing street.
WEEK COMMENCING 5TH MARCH
WEBCAM BIRTH
A rhino at a Devon zoo has given birth to a calf, watched live by millions via an internet web cam.
A spokesman said ‘This is believed to be the first time a bloated cow has given birth live on the web and happily lays to rest the memories of our failed project in 2002, when Jordan withdrew at the last minute.’
HAZEL BLEARS
The Labour Party Chairman, Hazel Blears, has stated that changes ahead for the Government will be like ‘transferring from a Ferrari to a Toyota Prius.’
This means more headline grabbing policies satisfying the whims of raging lefty minorities; that ultimately cost more than other more mainstream alternatives.
Our political voice will change from a throaty roar to near silence when defending our rights in Europe.
And our ‘special’ one-sided lap-dog relationship with America will be enhanced still further.
There will, of course, be no let-up for Ken Livingstone, as the Prius is one of the few vehicles able to snub the congestion charge.
On the plus side though, we can expect a reduction in the amount of hot air being produced.
NHS HEARING ASSESSMENT GUIDELINES
The Government have issued new guidelines to the NHS to tackle routine problems with hearing.
A major problem has been identified because, no matter how many times they tell us that the NHS is better funded, education standards have improved and crime is on the decrease, we appear not to be listening.
GERMAN INCEST COUPLE
In Leipzig, Germany, brother and sister, Patrick Stuebing and Susan Karolewski, are attempting to overturn the countries laws on incest, claiming that to prosecute them for having a sexual relationship, contravenes their human rights.
I make no apology for this not being funny. It’s just plain weird.
LIB DEM CONFERENCE NO 1
At the Lib Dem spring conference this week there has been some dissent amongst party hard liners, worried that their Leader, Sir Menzies Campbell, is alienating the younger voters.
In a BBC interview, local mother of five, Kylie-Ann, declared that she:
‘Ain’t gonna vote for no minger.’
LIB DEM CONFERENCE NO 2
Speculation that the Liberal Democrats are preparing a policy strategy for a hung parliament was fuelled by a speech made by Sir Menzies Campbell today.
Political commentators suggest this may be the first sensible policy to come out of any Party in quite some while, and that it is certain to win favour with almost all of the voting population. Just so long as they’re given enough rope to do the job properly.
LABOUR WELFARE REFORMS
Tony Blair has unveiled a new report on Welfare reform and has stated that people on benefits need to ‘make an even greater effort’ to get a job.
Somewhat hypocritical then, as Deputy Leader John Prescott hasn’t had a job since last summer, but still has the benefit of his £133,000 salary.
