My script for the show what you wrote. Feedback?

I struggled to come up with any ideas, but this is the script I sent in for the Sport and Leisure episode. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Sport and Leisure Episode Script

Script title - Uncaring corner man.

Scene - Boxing ring during a match

Characters - Boxer, Corner man, Cut man.

Bell rings to end 4th round. Boxer goes back to corner after a tough round.

Corner man; OK good round, good round. Sit down, deep breaths. Look, I know you don't want to hear this now, but you know that bird I was telling you about? Well she's just called me, shes' having one of her drama queen moments. She wants me to go round there, I'm gonna have to shoot off.

Boxer; (heavy breathing) Aayyy???

Corner man; That Sarah I was telling you about? Shes' split up with that numpty she was with apparently, and shes' all hysterical and that, you know. I'm gonna have to go round there.

Boxer; But you can't, not now. I need you here?

Corner man; Well I can't let her down can I, and you know how she gets. Plus shes' all upset and stuff, I'll be her shoulder to cry on won't I? I'll be there to console her. You know, I could be on a winner here.

Boxer; What about the fight?

Corner man; Well Kenny's here ain't he?

Boxer; Kenny's just my cut man, you're my trainer.

Cut man; Oh we'll be all right son. Besides you can't stop the man can you, not if he's on a promise?

Corner man; Exactly. Don't worry, you're in safe hands with Kenny, he knows what he's doing. (gestures and mutters too Kenny) Just make sure that's not too broken, won't you Ken?

Boxer; But this guy's stronger than I thought. I need you here.

Corner man; (casually, like everything is OK) No no no. You're doing just fine. Just keep trying to hit him, and...... try not to let him hit you, OK?

Ring Announcer; Seconds out!

Corner man; Right the bells gonna go in a second, you best get back out there all right?

Cut man; Yeah, you get off mate, have a good night, we'll be all right.

Boxer; Well, what should I.....???

Corner man; ( interrupting) Look I better run, you know what she gets like.

Bell rings for round 5.

Boxer; (standing up, confused) Where you going???

Corner man; (fading off in the background) Just keep hitting him, you'll be fine....

The End.

Ok first of you've started with a visual direction for a radio script, which is akin to stocking bacon in a kosher, vegan grocery store.

Dialogue is way to windy and detailed, lots of detail taking us no where.

There's no jokes at all and no punchline.

The characters aren't bad. But otherwise you need to start with a funny idea and work towards it with humour along the way,

Thanks for the feedback. Regardless of it being funny enough, I don't see why the format of this sketch couldn't work on radio?

There are jokes. The whole idea that this cockney type trainer would happily 'shoot off' in the middle of a fight because he might be 'on a winner', is the joke.

If you're sending it to a radio show, write it as a radio script, otherwise you don't exactly seem very keen, do you? It's like sending one you wrote in French, expecting them to translate it. Apart from that, something that length needs lots of jokes.

Quote: dave1 @ 10th May 2014, 5:48 PM BST

Thanks for the feedback. Regardless of it being funny enough, I don't see why the format of this sketch couldn't work on radio?

There are jokes. The whole idea that this cockney type trainer would happily 'shoot off' in the middle of a fight because he might be 'on a winner', is the joke.

View original

First of all it's writing

ATMOS
Sounds of a boxing ring, murmuring crowd, boxer being toweled down.

As opposed to describing a visual scene.

Secondly it's a vaguely funny scenario, trainer abandons boxer. It's not got jokes or a punchline.

Quote: dave1 @ 10th May 2014, 5:48 PM BST

Thanks for the feedback. Regardless of it being funny enough, I don't see why the format of this sketch couldn't work on radio?

There are jokes. The whole idea that this cockney type trainer would happily 'shoot off' in the middle of a fight because he might be 'on a winner', is the joke.

View original

That's a premise - your starting-point for the sketch - not a joke in itself. There has to be more. It's not a bad premise but the way it's worked out through the dialogue and (audible) action is the bit the listener will hear and hopefully find funny.

ATMOS
A BOXING RING, CROWD MURMURS SOUNDS OF TRAINER TOWELLING DOWN BOXER

BOXER
Ok Bob he's a big bastard, you sure he's human he looks like someone shaved a gorilla stuffed him in shorts and put gloves on his paws.

TRAINER
He's a big bastard alright but you can take him...probably

BOXER
Probably, what does that mean.

TRAINER
Well providing you hit him in the mush...alot...and he doesn't hit you with one of those sledgehammers on the end of his arms...you might have a chance.

BOXER
Doesn't sound good Bob. What's the plan.

TRAINER
Well dance, dodge, duck in round one then take him down.

BOXER
What about round two.

TRAINER
I dunno I only put an hour in the parking meter you're on your own.

BOXER
You complete bastard you can't abandon me to move the bloody car.

TRAINER
It's alright for you I might get towed, you've got a nice comfy ambulance.

hope you don't mind me dicking around with it.

It's a good premise. The formatting isn't way off. What confuses me most though is why you are seeking feedback on a sketch that is presumably still under consideration. Get advice before submission or after rejection by all means but somewhere in the middle seems a bit pointless.

Quote: Badge @ 10th May 2014, 11:14 PM BST

The formatting isn't way off.

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But it's not perfect - definitely worth researching what sort of appearance they expect from scripts.

As everyone else has said, this script lacks gags, it's still at the idea-on-fag-packet stage, really. Perhaps you could find some comedy in discussing what the trainer could actually say of any use if they stayed, beyond "try to hit him a lot". And you need some one-liners, or funny phrases: Sooty's shaved gorilla line isn't very original, to be brutal, but it sets the scene in an essentially comical way - lets us know what's happening quickly and efficiently and allows us a little smile.

Plus you need soemthing to happen at the end, or a punchline - TSWYW is big on clear old-fashioned endings. This is a shit idea, but perhaps the guy wins by default because his opponent has run off to meet the same girl - as well as 90% of the spectators (we hear a couple of old men clapping in an echoey hall). So, try something like that...but better.

That's a great ending Gappy.

As long as he doesn't take her in the ring. I imagine there are guidelines about this?

You speak in riddles, Marc.

Just English old bean

Quote: Marc P @ 11th May 2014, 12:31 PM BST

As long as he doesn't take her in the ring.

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And, Sooty, you're too kind, I preferred your car parking idea ; either way, I think we agree that a tidy ending is nearly always a godo thing.

Has Godot been giving you many happy endings