Hi guys,
For a little while now I've been collaborating with Patrick Coyle and together we've written a sitcom which revolves around a young guy who used to be a child star. After falling spectacularly from fame, he's now on the road back to the top... kind of.
I've posted the script on scribd which is a great website for such things!
http://www.scribd.com/doc/220985307/Kingdom-of-Sam
Enjoy and obviously we really appreciate any feedback that can be given.
Cheers all!
Ok I got 5 pages in and I'm sure I recognise this.
First the problems.
But the faults are the same; firstly you have a massive, expensive intro sequence broken into 2 that just bores. I don't care about cliches of failed child stars, or shit jobs they take up time.
You're dialogue is too descriptive, mixing VO with lots of first person dialogue is like swimming through treacle.
Now if you're still with me, the positive. It's a great setting, really it is. Sam having to be an assistant to the son of the man who ruined his career.
When Sam actually gets to speak and make jokes, they're very good indeed.
I especially like him assuming the daughters being fired.
So I'd say take an axe to this, hack out all the filler and assume you're idea is good enough without spoon feeding it.
A final thought, every bit of advice on writing a sitcom I've got has included this.
Never write the pilot, write the second or third episode it'll show your stories strong enough to survive past episode one.
I feel like I have read this before too. Only scanned it, but I would cut pages 1 - 4. All unnecessary.
My fear would be that a producer would read that and simply think that you don't understand sitcom, as those scenes don't belong in a sitcom. "High fiving a monkey?" Not on a TV budget you don't.
Cheers for the feedback so far. I've definitely taken both of your comments on board. And sooty, about writing the pilot, I think it was done so we could establish the whole scenario in our own minds as much as anything else.
cheers again, anymore comments are appreciated.
If your ideas are only clear enough to write a pilot, then you've a lot more work to do.
well you have to do 1 thing at a time and generally starting at the beginning is the thing to do. I'd rather build from square 1 than start at square 4 and figure out how I got there.
Quote: Jennie @ 29th April 2014, 8:13 PM BST"High fiving a monkey?" Not on a TV budget you don't.
On this basis you might also want to ditch the scene where an old lady drives a BMW 5 series through the show room window 
... ah f**k it. let the producer worry about budgets.
Just read this and on the whole enjoyed it. It had quite a good overall feel to it and some funny lines and ideas. Some of the random silly bits silly bits made me laugh like "Andy sitting in a chair throwing sweets at an old man"
I agree with the others about the voice over. I think you should seriously re think whether you need this or not. It is a useful tool at the beginning as it gives a lot of the back story but in the second half you don't really use it... because you don't need it?? I did like the Welsh V.O guy though and it did make a neat ending ... However, this cannot be the reason to keep the V.O !! Kill your babies etc..
Also, whilst there were some funny ideas here and some good scenes, I didn't feel like it held together very well as an episode. Ideally each scene needs to tell part of the story (or stories) and the end of one scene should be a springboard to the next...this keeps the reader/viewer interested. Most of your scenes were just ways of crowbarring in your funny ideas at the expense of a story.
Another thing I noticed that you do is have a line that doesn't really fit (because you couldn't think of anything else) but get round this by having another character acknowledge that what they just said didn't make sense. I'm not certain but I think this might be a rookie error. The reason I think this, is because I do it all the time but am trying to stop.
I think this a great starting point and as I said, some funny stuff... I would suggest coming up with a couple of story lines for the main characters (you can still incorporate some of the stuff you already have) and plot them out bearing in mind 3 act structure (Beginning Middle and End) before you start writing any scenes.
Good luck
Quote: Mattytheswan @ 30th April 2014, 12:10 PM BSTOn this basis you might also want to ditch the scene where an old lady drives a BMW 5 series through the show room window
Yes and no. Of course, if it is funny, you can put it in and let a producer cut it out later.
However, sitcom is traditionally a low concept genre, dealing the minutiae of life. Scenes are relatively long and are generally focused on the interaction between characters rather than stunts.
My problem reading this script is that it all felt too film-y - too many scenes, stunts (like the monkey) and screenplay language (e.g. "we see", the use of the V.O.).
If you are trying to sell the idea, or indeed sell your own credentials as a writer in this genre, I think you have to have one eye on production issues.
Oh, and I agree with Soots and Matt - I think this is a great starting off point, and you now have a full grasp on your characters. But I would write a different episode before I sent it anywhere. Good luck
Quote: Jennie @ 30th April 2014, 12:25 PM BST
My problem reading this script is that it all felt too film-y
Yeah, I thought that too actually, especially the first 15 pages or so.
Thanks for that feedback Matt. Can definitely understand a lot of your points. There are quite a few imperfections with this and the whole out of budget feel that it has in some places are due to us feeling that a good idea can be altered later in the process if it's a little over flamboyant. I can't remember the last time I saw a monkey in anything. Saying that, how much can it cost to get a little midget in a monkey suit?
The last animal I saw in a sitcom was an emu. Bet that cost more than a monkey.
I don't get the issue with a sitcom script coming across like a film script. TV is the new cinema after all.
Anyway, I had a look at the first ten pages or so. I liked the start. Thinking the daughter has been disowned was a good gag. I was imagining Dennis from 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'. I don't if that's just because that's all I've been watching for the last week, but it's a strong beat to have in the opening minutes.
Thanks Japi, I've actually never seen 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'. Style wise, I think Eastbound and Down was a bit of an influence and that also has quite a cinematic style to it.
Appreciate the comments that we've received so far