Skit Comp 23.4 - 2.5.14

Thanks for another phwoarsome skitcomp and congratulations to GAPPY for winning: please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject for next wank. Mixing my metahors.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Stonked

Your new subject: EGGS (chosen by Gappy).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except bin Laden.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 2.5.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 46 - Gappy
2 - 45 - Stonked
3 - 20 - ShirlTheWhirl
4 - 5 - Gregmweir, Supermanc, Michael Monkhouse
5 - 1 - Otterfox, Nick81

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

Quote: Supermanc @ 24th April 2014, 2:17 AM BST

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

View original

I thought only original work allowed? Pretty sure that's not your joke.

EGG STATIC

STUDIO. PRESENTER and CONTESTANT:

PRESENTER An eggstremely eggstra-special evening my eggsteemed audience, and you, and I'm megga eggcited and eggsilerated to eggs - sorry, INtroduce my first guest - nearly an anagram of eggs - c**testant Mr Dick Burns!

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

PRESENTER How eggstraordinarily eggstatic to eggstracate you from our eggstravert eggstras.

DICK (shy) Hello.

PRESENTER And wegg - sorry, welcome to the eggstra bonus round - round of eggs? - sorry, I'm eggsagerating - are you reaggy?

DICK Mmm.

PRESENTER You have to guess what's up my jacksie. And I'll egg you on with the eggsy, pegsy, leggon sqeggsy eggsentials: It's something you have boiled for breakfast.

DICK (thinks) Tea?

PRESENTER In the eggsclusive veggnacular of Samuel Beggett, nog! I mean, no, I eggsclaim. And Dickie, I'd be eggseedingly eggshausted and eggsruciated if you eggsacerbate your eggseptional eggspertise. You'll egg - sorry, end up with something all over your face! So, another eggscluive eggsperimental clue: You have it fried with ham.

DICK Tomato?

PRESENTER Bugger. I mean, not eggactly eggsellent, Dickie boy. So don't eggasperate me, another eggsemplary clue: Fill in this eggspression, you good egg: Don't put all your - in one basket.

DICK Clothes?

PRESENTER For f**k's sake, you eat it after it comes outa a hen's jacksie, you eat it with bacon, you eat it scrambled, poached, hard-boiled, soft-boiled, any-which-way-but-loose-boiled, sunny-side-up, in a burrito, in a quiche, in a f**king hurry, curried, you eat the white, the yolk, the f**king shell if you want, it's a f**king egg.

DICK I'm a vegan.

PAUSE.

PRESENTER I think you mean veggan.

BOLDEN:Now, Peterson, I must say we're very pleased with your work on the new range.

PETERSON: Thank you very much.

BOLDEN:You've taken some old classics, given them your own spin, and added some truly ingenious models of your own: I think this could quite possibly be the best batch of Kinder Egg toys we've ever produced.

PETERSON: Oh, you flatter me...but I confess I was quite pleased with the Beaver Ballerina collection.

BOLDEN:The Beaver Ballerinas! Oh, they are exquisite, so finely designed! Such wry personas! - I have a Pas De Deux Dam-Dancer on my bedside table. Yes, all one hundred of your Kinder toys are truly wonderful. There's only one slight concern I have.

PETERSON: What's that?

BOLDEN:If you put them all together, they make a gun.

PETERSON: Are you sure?

BOLDEN:I'm quite sure, Peterson. Collect the whole set, shove them all together in the right order, and you effectively get a high-powered assault rifle. The Beaver Diva acts as the bullet.

PETERSON: And you think this is a bad thing?

BOLDEN:I do. I've been in the toy slash confectionary slash surprise industry a fair while, and whilst public opinion has changed over that time along certain parameters, it's still considered bad form to supply children with functioning firearms. It's just one of those no go areas for toys: same with drugs and fanny.

PETERSON: US or UK fanny, sir?

BOLDEN:I was thinking UK, but US is a pretty close second. Not a good angle for a plaything, the erogenous zones...but still better than ballistic weaponry.

PETERSON: It is an infuriating coincidence. But surely most children will never find out that the toys make a gun?

BOLDEN:Well, I did. I was just carrying the toys over to the window - to get a better look at the adorable wink on Frilly Tutu Capybara - and I slipped on one of those little plastic egg things and dropped the whole lot. When I picked them up, hey ho, a sizable gun. If it happened to me, it could happen to a child.

PETERSON: I could change one of the toys.

BOLDENon't you dare! I will not see a single one of these masterpieces altered in any way! I'd far rather find a method of minimising the chance of equipping kids with the tools of instant death than destroy true art.

PETERSON: Here's an idea - why don't we make the chocolate so unpleasant that it would be impossible for anyone to eat enough to get all the toys?

BOLDEN:More unpleasant than the chocolate we use now? The one that tastes like rotting sugary edam?

PETERSON:I see your point, sir. Well, we could put in a note.

BOLDEN:A note to stop children realising they can put all the toys together to make a gun?

PETERSON: Yes.

BOLDEN:Interesting; what might it say?

PETERSON: "You can't put all the toys together to make a gun"

BOLDEN:[BEAT] Yes, that ought to do it. Little kids should understand that, and, if I know children, they'll definitely take that at face value and won't wish to investigate any further. Congratulations, Peterson, your toys will take their place in the special display cabinet, with all the toys in the Kinder Corporation's glorious history.

PETERSON: Oh, that would be an honour, sir. Will mine go on this top shelf here? Who-ooops!

[SFX: HUGE CRASH]

PETERSON: Sorry, sir, all your toys have landed in a pile.

[SFX: WHIRS AND CLICKS]

ROBOT:I AM EGGRAX, THE DESTROYER. PERISH, PUNY MEAT CREATURES!

[SFAX: LASER BLASTS]

BOLDENh, what were the chances, eh? [DEATH RATTLE]

INT. A SEMI-DETACHED BUNGALOW IN TYDD GOTE
A MARRIED COUPLE IN THEIR EIGHTIES
BILL IS SITTING AT A TABLE, READING AN ARTICLE DISPLAYED ON A LAPTOP
PENNY IS SITTING IN AN ARMCHAIR, KNITTING A SWIMMING COSTUME

BILL
Well I never. It says here, Pen, that efficient egg production depends largely on the chicken's inherent ability to count.

PENNY
I had absolutely no idea, Bill.

BILL
It's true, Pen. Listen: (READS FROM THE SCREEN) The hen is driven by the basic desire to lay a clutch of several eggs for incubation, and she will keep on laying eggs until she reaches her desired number. If her accumulated eggs are removed, the hen feels compelled to keep on laying, in pursuit of her dream of motherhood.

PENNY
Oh, that's just awful, Bill. All those poor, innocent little hens in enforced servitude, literally laying egg after egg after egg, and all totally unaware that thieving humans are exploiting their innate numeracy.

BILL
Absolutely, Pen. It's a global scandal.

PENNY
No more eggs for me, Bill. I'm not going to be a party to man's cynical manipulation of the chicken's intuitive counting abilities.

BILL
I'm right behind you, Pen.

PENNY
I feel better already for making a stand.

BILL
Same here, Pen.

PENNY
Shame though. I was looking forward to dipping some soldiers in a couple of soft-boiled eggs for my tea.

BILL
Me too, actually, Pen. But it would be ethically inconsistent. We'd be hypocrites.

PENNY
But would we, though?

BILL
I'm listening, Pen.

PENNY
We wouldn't be hypocrites if we only ate eggs laid by chickens who are rubbish at counting. That wouldn't be exploitative.

BILL
I'm liking the sound of that, Pen. But how could we ever be sure that we were eating only innumerate chickens' eggs?

PENNY
Google it, Bill. Say "how can you know if an egg is laid by an innumerate chicken?"

BILL (TYPES WITH ONE FINGER)
Google says No results found for "how can you know if an egg is laid by an innumerate chicken?"

PENNY
That's very disappointing, Bill. Try it with something simpler. Just say "innumerate chickens".

BILL (TYPES WITH ONE FINGER)
Google says No results found for "innumerate chickens". That's pretty conclusive, Pen. There's no such thing as an innumerate chicken. We're stymied.

PENNY
But are we, Bill? Do a Google for "numerate chickens".

BILL (TYPES WITH ONE FINGER)
Well, well. No results found for "numerate chickens" Would you credit it, Pen. There's no such thing as a numerate chicken, either.

PENNY
And thusly the whole question of chicken numeracy has been rendered an irrelevance. Sanity has been restored to tea time. Go and put the eggs on, Bill, there's a good boy.

END

Really enjoyed Stonked's search engine bit, but Michael just sneaks it this week.

I was torn, and nearly resorted to "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe" but thought better of it. In the end it was the lunacy at the end of Michael's piece which edged my vote Michael's way.

Loved Gappy's as always but Stonked just edges it this week!

Gappy - loved the whole sketch, and particularly liked, "perish, puny meat creatures".