Don't get too hung up about Easter. Copyright Leon Russell 1970.
Tell us a joke Page 38
How do you get a philosopher of you porch?
Pay him for the Pizza
What is the difference between a philosopher and a park bench?
The bench can support a family.
Quote: Chappers @ 18th April 2014, 4:39 PM BSTDon't get too hung up about Easter. Copyright Leon Russell 1970.
As long as you do not become too cross on easter everything will be OK
A magician friend of mine was telling me about a new trick he's working on where he transforms a Chinese couple into a cocaine sniffing 1980's snooker player. When I told him that it would never work, he asked why, so I said 'everyone knows two Wongs don't make a White!'
Did you hear about the dyslexic who got arrested at the cheese counter in Tesco? Apparently he was asking if they had any paedophilia.
The first one is ancient I don't get the second one
I'd never heard the first one before. Maybe I'm just younger. I suppose after a few thousand years of language almost everything's been said before at some point.
The second one. Philadelphia. I don't live in England any more, do they still sell it or is that ancient too?
Quote: sootyj @ 19th April 2014, 11:09 AM BSTThe first one is ancient I don't get the second one
Your gag:
I saw her impersonating a garden tool at BQ
Sorry guys she ain't nothing but a hoe.
And mine is ancient?
A ship full of Aliens suffering from leprosy just landed on my lawn, when I went out to greet them they said "we come in pieces"
I know, I know, someone else cracked a similar one earlier on this thread. This is better though. And, yes I'm sure it's ancient too. 
I went to my bank manager for a loan so I could create an invisible engine, he turned me down, said he couldn't see it working.
Ok I applied the Google test to both of our jokes, none of mine turned up on page 1 or 2.
Your's filled up page 1, went into page 2 and was infact an infamous racist remark by an Australian politician.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arthur_Calwell
Sorry it's most likely an coincidence happens with jokes all the time.
But the joke is also forced as is paedophilia/philadelphia you'd have to try something more leading like.
What does Gary Glitter like on his begels, lox and paedophilia
still not a great joke
Quote: Paul Chisholm @ 19th April 2014, 11:52 AM BSTI went to my bank manager for a loan so I could create an invisible engine, he turned me down, said he couldn't see it working.
nice one
(True story, but topical with this thread!)
Back in 1998, I was unfortunate enough to find myself doing Community Service, (Thanks mostly to a mistaken Identity and a very old get away car!) whilst on Community Service we were required to do gardening in some of the open park areas around my town. one day we were sitting having lunch when one of the not so bright amongst us steps on a rake that is laying on the ground, as he steps on the metal part the handle springs up and hits him, holding his head the guy comes over to all of us sitting around and shouts "That rake just hit me in the face!" and as quick as anything, without ever hearing the saying before I replied "That's because you called his sister a Hoe!"
I've been telling this true story once in a while ever since.
Quote: Paul Chisholm @ 19th April 2014, 11:52 AM BSTI went to my bank manager for a loan so I could create an invisible engine, he turned me down, said he couldn't see it working.
Should be:
I went to my bank manager for a loan so I could manufacture my invisible engine, he turned me down, said he couldn't see it working.
And there endeth the thread, in a flame war over the age of jokes and grammar pedantry.
Quote: AndyGilder @ 19th April 2014, 5:33 PM BSTAnd there endeth the thread, in a flame war over the age of jokes and grammar pedantry.
No my comment wasn't grammar. The original implied a non-existent invisible engine, I revised it to imply that it existed and he took it tp the bank for the manager to 'see'.
After spending thousands on Radio Advertising,
I'm disappointed to admit my Hearing Aids Business still has not attracted any customers.
Same for all my TV adverts for new White Sticks.
Since being banned from Snooker Stephen Lee has said he really misses it.
It's not known yet if he missed it on purpose.
David Moyes shouldn't worry about getting another job.
After receiving £4 million for being a complete failure, he'll be running a bank in no time.