Skitcomp 1 - 8.4.14

Thanks for another phwoarsome skitcomp, especially as there are shitloads of opps at the mo so this usually gets the shitty end of the sphincter. Congratulations to SHIRL THE WHIRL for winning: please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject for next wank. Mixing my metahors.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Shirl The Whirl
1 - 5 - Gappy
Special mention - Michael Monkhouse

Your new subject: BENEFITS (chosen by Stonked).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except bin Laden.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 8.4.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Stonked
2 - 26 - Gappy
3 - 20 - ShirlTheWhirl
4 - 5 - Gregmweir, Supermanc, Michael Monkhouse
5 - 1 - Otterfox, Nick81

Most people have 32 teeth. Most people at the Job Centre have 6. It's simple meth

WOMEN'S RITES

OFFICE.

A SUITED GENT greets a nice young GIRL:

GENT Good morning Fiona.

GIRL Good morning Sir, and thank you for being my Careers Advisor.

GENT Not at all, with a candidate like yourself it's a pleasure: twelve A-levels, grade A; double starred first from Oxford in Modern and Ancient Literature; keen to work in Harvard's European Linguistics Research Department... So have you considered sucking off a politician in a villa?

GIRL I don't understand.

GENT It's quite simple. Some twat gets you pissed as a tart, he drops his panties, you go gobble-gobble-gobble while he sings 'F**k the recession, that's amore.'

GIRL Why on Earth would I want to do that?

GENT Why? Well apart from the ten million TV appearances, six billion dollars in a Swiss bank account and eighteen Scandinavian boyfriends hung like baboons...

GIRL But I want to do something academic.

GENT Oooh ain't we posh? Slurping away on one of Europe's most potent heads of state not good enough for you eh? Gotta go swanning round College Chapel, ooh just translated the entire Virgilian corpus and it's only just time for elevenses, he wrote 'Of arms and the man I sing,' only he quoth thus in Latin of course, may've been a genius but I hardly believe he could quote the English vernacular ten centuries before its very inception, Gosh aren't I witty as well as brainy?

GIRL Well I think there's a great future for a gifted girl graduating from Cambridge.

GENT Tell that to Sylvia Plath.

GIRL Okay. So what else have you got?

GENT Well with your knowledge and expertise we've organized a interview.

GIRL That sounds encouraging.

GENT With FHM.

GIRL I am not getting my tits out for a lads' mag.

GENT You don't have to, a couple of ass cheeks will suffice.

GIRL It amounts to the same thing.

GENT I think you'll find it doesn't. Would Sam Fox've been so successful baring merely an anus? 'Touch me, Touch me, I wanna feel your body - just the tush though, yeah let's all pretend I ain't got a popping pair of party hooters that'll make me more wonga in a minute than Virgil made in a frigging life-time'?

GIRL Well really!

GENT I'm only trying to help. That's my job... Okay. Next opportunity. Sharing your experience, ideas and input in an elite club...

GIRL That's interesting.

GENT ...Founded by the late great Paul Raymond.

GIRL I will not be a stripper.

GENT You won't be a stripper... You'll be cleaning the bogs after the show.

GIRL Right I'm leaving.

(She gets up)

GENT No don't...

(She slams the door)

GENT Yes, and bloody STAY OUT!

Enter OLD MAN.

MAN What's wrong with her?

GENT Bleedin' women - never satisfied are they? They get all these great opportunities and just throw 'em back in your face.

MAN Oh my... Now Sir, I'm getting on and fear my pension won't suffice.

GENT Ever considered sucking off a politician in a villa?

STEVE: How you been, gran?

GRAN: Oh, you know, not so bad, considering. So nice of you to come and see me, Steve, sit down. Oh, but take your coat off.

STEVE: It's not a coat, gran, it's a hoody.

GRAN: If it's got a hood, it's a coat. Now, get it off, or you won't feel the benefit when you get outside.

STEVE: Of course I will, gran. I'll feel the benefit in here - where it's pretty chilly, I have to say - and then I'll feel the benefit outside. It'll be a benefit festival of the first water.

GRAN: Don't be cheeky. Come on, take it off for your old gran.

STEVE: Oh, all right.

GRAN: There isn't that better?

STEVE: It's certainly colder.

GRAN: Don't answer back. Now, what about them glasses?

STEVE: What about them?

GRAN: Take them off too. There's not much worth seeing in my kitchenette, is there?

STEVE: What are you on about, gran?

GRAN: Take them off, or you won't feel the benefit later when there's something worth looking at.

STEVE: Like what?

GRAN: Like what, he says. God, you younguns have got no imagination. Like anything worth a good long stare: a sonnet, a chaffinch, a coyly proffered nipple.

STEVE: And you think I won't enjoy those if I've glanced at your slow cooker first, do you?

GRAN: Course I do. Stands to reason. Everything's relative, isn't it, lad? Like Einstein said.

STEVE: I don't think he was talking about coats.

GRAN: Coats, jackets, speed of light, all the same thing when you boil em down.

STEVE: You don't half have some funny ideas, gran.

GRAN: Funny? Funny?!

STEVE: Sorry, gran, I didn't mean-

GRAN: Don't be using the word funny when you're not laughing! Save it till you're giggling so much you dampen your undercarriage. Ee, you kids, you simply have no conception of feeling the varying benefits of different situations and their relative merits.

STEVE: Hang on, gran - aren't you wearing your glasses and two cardigans? What about your benefit?

GRAN: Makes no difference, does it? Poor, frail old lonely woman like me - I don't leave the house, do I? I've got nothing to look forward to. Where's my chaffinch, eh? Where's my gusset-wetting chuckle? No, that's for the young, I can't go out much no more, life's used up all it's tricks on me. I'll just stay here, alone, on me rickety bones...

STEVE: [Sigh] Do you want me to pop down and get your groceries for you, then, gran?

GRAN: [Bruightening] Thought you'd never ask, boy! Yes, get me some tuna, and a loaf. Oh, and a couple of bottles of Beefeater.

STEVE: Yes, gran.

GRAN: You are a good lad. Oh, and whilst you're there, let Mr Tiddles out, would you?

[She tosses him a bundle of fur. Enter a pissed off looking hairless cat]

EXT. DAY. MIDDLE AGES.

MAN (TURGAN) IN RAGS PULLING A CART BEHIND HIM WALKS BY THE WALLS OF A VILLAGE.
ANOTHER MAN (FLIT) APPEARS AT THE GATES OF THE VILLAGE.

FLIT:
Hi! Hi you there! Perchance are you a Taddleward?

TURGAN:
I don't know what that is but yes, yes I am.

FLIT:
Oh praise be... we're saved! We have a lot of lame animals and all the Taddlewards are dead, plague, black death, deadly death. Some of them are barely even still alive.

TURGAN:
How can I be of use?

FLIT:
You are a Taddleward, you can fix our animals.

TURGAN:
Oh I see. You think that I'm a Taddleward so I can fix the animals.

FLIT:
Yes. You are a Taddleward aren't you?

TURGAN:
Who me?

FLIT:
Yes you!! The person that I've been speaking to for the last 30 bloody minutes!

TURGAN:
Ah it's hardly been 30 minutes. That's a huge exaggeration now. I don't like that.

FLIT:
Look, we have dogs with shin splints, horses with cracked shins, pigs with faulty shins and cows with shin hurt.

TURGAN:
Ah you need a shin expert then. What are they called, a..... Taddle-ward I think. You won't find many of them around. They're all dying out.

FLIT:
I know! Now can you help?

TURGAN:
Bring me a dog immediately.

FLIT COMES OUT WITH A SMALL DOG.

TURGAN:
What the hell is that, some kind of bison?

FLIT:
It's a terrier. He has a stone lodged in his shin.

TURGAN REACHES INTO HIS BAG.

TURGAN:
Ah I have just the thing. A brand new shin with a brand new stone in it.

FLIT:
What we're trying to accomplish here is the removal of the stone completely.

TURGAN:
How strange. Right-o. Bring out the rest.

MONTAGE OF HIM DILLIGENTLY WORKING ON VARIOUS ANIMALS. THE TOWNSFOLK CHEER AND PRAISE HIM AS HE FINISHES HIS WORK.

TURGAN NOW STRUTS AWAY FROM THE VILLAGE SINGING AS HE GOES.

TURGAN (SINGING):
Oh all the Taddle-wards are dying
I'm reaping the benefits
My business is flying
'Cos I've got a shin that fits.

IN THE BACKGROUND ALL THE ANIMALS COLLAPSE.

END.

Jackie - What's up hun?

Cheryl - Oh, men!

Jackie - Would that be one called Steve?

Cheryl - Might be.

Jackie - Come on, tell your Auntie Jackie.

Cheryl - He said he wanted us to be friends with benefits. So I thought he wanted lots of no-strings sex.

Jackie - And?

Cheryl - Well, he said he wanted no-strings sex. Then he went and tied me up!

INT LOUNGE OF A SMALL SUBURBAN BUNGALOW
A COUPLE IN THEIR LATE EIGHTIES ARE SITING IN ARMCHAIRS AT OPPOSITE CORNERS OF THE ROOM.
A LARGE FISH TANK EXTENDS ALONG HALF OF ONE WALL

REGINALD
When I die, Reggie, I want my ashes to be added to the gravel in the fish tank.

REGINA
Is that a good idea, Reggie? The fish do their poos in that water. And their pee. You don't want to commit yourself to an eternity of fishy effluent.

REGINALD
But it won't make any difference to me, Reggie. Poo, pee, whatever. I'll be able to handle it. That's one of the benefits of being dead.

REGINA
Is being dead really a benefit, though, Reggie? Which is to say, do benefits even extend into the afterlife, or are they solely in the realm of the living? Is there even an afterlife? I'm not sure that there is. In short, Reggie, is there an afterlife and are benefits accrued therein?

REGINALD
I don't know, Reggie. But just think of it - if my ashes are mixed in with the gravel at the bottom of the fish tank, you'll be able to see me whenever you like. You'll be able to give me a wave and say "Hello Reggie". Now, that's a real benefit.

REGINA
Is that really a benefit, Reggie? I mean, it's not as if you'll be able to wave back. And that's just sad. And don't forget the fish - the fish will be forever sucking you in and spitting you out as they forage for food particles. Is that really what you want, Reggie? You'll get no peace whatsoever. How will you rest in peace with all that going on? Ask yourself, Reggie - is resting in peace possible in a fish tank?

REGINALD
I could have my own tank.

REGINA
That would work.

REGINALD
You could put some fish in it.

REGINA
What a lovely idea, Reggie.

END

Between Otterfox and Stonked, both pretty bonkers. I'll go Stonked, just because I can't quite visualise the final scene of Otter's.

And it's Stonked for me. Great ending.

Another strong and varied collection. I liked them all. But ultimately it was the somewhat unpleasant mental image of a weird old lady, a bundle of fur and a pissed off hairless cat that elbowed its way to the fore. So, Gappy gets my vote.

Gappy. It was a bit weird that the granma wanted him to take his glasses off, but still loved it. Especially the chaffinch.

Gotta go Gappy!

Good stuff all round but Stonked by a hare.