NJ WEEK 4: Village Shop Machine

Village Shop Machine

1. SARAHLondoner) Small village communities have been losing shops and essential services for years. I'm here to talk with inventor Ivor Nadir who thinks he's found the solution.

2. IVOR:That's right, Sarah, I've created the Vendatron 5000, a vending machine that uses voice recognition and basic artificial intelligence to provide the authentic village shop experience. Try it - just speak into the mike here.

3. SARAH:Hello Vendatron 5000, can I buy a packet of chocolate digestives please?

4. VENDAmachine with Derby/Notts female accent) Hello ducks. I ain't seen you round here before - you just passing through?

5. SARAH:Well, yes, I suppose. I'm just here to do an article on vending machines.

6. VENDAh we have one of them in't village. They're very good. Now what can I gets you?

7. SARAH:A packet of chocolate diges-

8. VENDA:Y'know, old Tom, with the golden retriever, well he was here t'other day. Raving about the vending machine. Made it a regular stop on walkies he 'as.

9. SARAH:That's very interesting, and I'd love to talk, but do you have those chocolate digestives?

10. VENDA:You townie's! Always in a rush ain'ts ya? You're not in that London now y'know, calm down an' you'll be sorted before you know it. Digestives you say?

11. SARAH:Yes, chocolate.

12. VENDA:That'll be £1.50 please.

13. IVOR:You're paying with a twenty pound note? Just pop it in the slot, like so...

14. FX:Mechanical whirring & clunks as the vending machine delivers

15. IVOR:And there's your biscuits.

16. SARAH:That's very good. But where's my change?

17. VENDAh sorry ducks, I ain't got no change. Since they closed the village post office there's nowhere to get change unless I go to town. An' the buses only run once a week so getting there's awkward. An' well, I'm a vending machine ain't I? Getting anywhere's awkward.

18. SARAH:The idea's good in principle, Ivor, but it's not going to catch on if it costs £20 for a pack of biscuits. That's a real problem.

19. IVOR:It's not really an issue, watch. (clears throat) Hello Venda.

20. VENDAh hello Ivor, not seen you for a day or two - you well?

21. IVOR:Yes thanks. Can I get a 2nd class stamp please? Though I'm afraid I've only got a tenner.

22. VENDA:Course you can, love. I've plenty of change, or you can owe me til next time. Y'know I 'ad one of those ruddy townies here earlier. Told 'er I didn't have no change, din't I. That'll teach 'em to think they're better than us country folk.

23. IVOR:As I said, it gives the authentic village shop experience.

24. END

Enjoyed this one (and remember the real story).
laughed out loud at:
"An' well, I'm a vending machine ain't I? Getting anywhere's awkward."

As a person from Derbyshire I would just like to correct some of the slang. We do say 'duck' as in 'Ay up me duck' but we do not say 't'other' that's a bit too far north.

It was just bugging me. Although I did enjoy the sketch.

Quote: Dave C @ 7th April 2014, 9:49 PM BST

As a person from Derbyshire I would just like to correct some of the slang. We do say 'duck' as in 'Ay up me duck' but we do not say 't'other' that's a bit too far north.

It was just bugging me. Although I did enjoy the sketch.

View original

Ah sorry Mr C!

I had actually been torn between having a very strong single accent (and as the actual machine is in Derbyshire Derby/Notts seemed appropriate) or having the machine using a mishmash of strong regional accents so that one machione voice was local to every village...

In the end I knew it wasn't quite right, but figured I could probably get away with using Ducks mixed with generic Northern as them daft southerners won't know the difference...

Glad you enjoyed it despite my dialect cockups!

Here's my version of the same story!

1. ROMESH: A village in Derbyshire has just replaced their corner shop with a giant vending machine. But can it really provide the same basic human comforts as a real shopkeeper, who for many of us represents the longest conversation we will have on a Sunday - besides the three hour phone call from our mums. And can you still shop there in your pyjamas? Well, we've brought the machine here to check it out.

2. FX: MACHINE WHEELED IN

3. ROMESH: So let's have a look. "Select a conversational mode". 'Inappropriately Familiar', 'Utterly Indifferent' or 'Friendly but Incompetent'. I guess I'll go for 'Friendly but Incompetent'.

4. FX: PUSHES BUTTON

5. MACHINE: (DIGITAL) Thanks mate. So much for global warming, ey! They should sack the lot of them. Why won't this bloody till work? Please select your product.

6. ROMESH: Er, yeah. I just want some cigarettes. Give me C2.

7. FX: PUSHES BUTTONS - WHIRRING

8. MACHINE: Selection confirmed. Cheers mate. What's Wenger playing at?

9. ROMESH: Hold on, you've selected C1. I wanted C2.

10. MACHINE: Oh yeah. Sorry mate. Here you go. Nice weather we're having.

11. ROMESH: No that's D4! I want C2. Look, it's right there.

12. FX: WHIRRING

13. MACHINE: Over here mate?

14. ROMESH: No, the one above that.

15. MACHINE: This one mate?

16. ROMESH: No. The one that's right there! Left a bit. Down a bit. Down a bit. Why are you going up?

17. MACHINE: Selection made. Here you go mate.

18. ROMESH: But that's - oh, forget it, they'll do

19. MACHINE: Total price: £4.50. Please insert currency now mate.

20. ROMESH: Okay, so I guess I put my £20 in this slot.

21. FX: WHIRRING

22. MACHINE: (SIGHS)

23. ROMESH: Excuse me?

24. MACHINE: Don't you have anything smaller than that mate?

25. ROMESH: What do you care? You're a machine. You just have to turn a bunch of cogs or something.

26. MACHINE: (SIGHS)

27. FX: LABORIOUS TURNING OF COGS. COINS DROP ONE BY ONE.

28. MACHINE: Here you go mate. Releasing purchase now.

29. FX: THUD

30. ROMESH: Right, it's stuck in the chute.

31. MACHINE: Thanks mate. See you later. Going anywhere nice this summer?

32. ROMESH: What are you talking about? Give me my cigarettes!

33. MACHINE: If you ask me mate, I reckon China shot it down.

34. ROMESH: Stop making small talk! I just want my fags! Bloody machine!

35. FX: SHAKING AND KICKING MACHINE. SETS OFF SIREN.

36. MACHINE: Alright mate. Just doing my job. Alright mate. Just doing my job...

37. ROMESH: Get it out of here! I knew I should have gone for 'Utterly Indifferent'.