Newsjack one liner thread - series 10 Page 3

My first (unsuccessful) try. Here's my hil-heh-heh-arious offerings:

BREAKING NEWS:

1.Manchester Police, hunting thieves who dug a 100-foot tunnel to reach a cashpoint at a branch of Tesco's, have found several suspicious buttock-prints. Detectives are searching the store for mole-asses.

2.A lucky car mechanic, who last week had the good fortune to win £108 million on the lottery, said "Them's the brakes".

3.A Mafia boss known as "The Professor" has won his fight against extradition, and can continue living in Uxbridge - where he moved to 20 years ago, thinking it was a famous university.

COMING UP:

1.We'll be discussing Kate Bush's recently-announced gigs, her first since 1979. One of her middle-aged, slightly overweight male fans tells us he's thrilled after 35 years of beating off about the bush. Beating about the bush. That's what I meant to say.

2.We'll be considering Hanif Kureishi's controversial claim that studying creative writing is a waste of time, and asking "Howfore can this gag-show talk-script be done writ more goodly?"

3.We'll be reviewing "Not The Face, Not The Face, For God's Sake Not The Face", the hilarious story of Jeremy Clarkson's adventures as a dog whisperer.

LISTINGS:

1.In Saturday Live - Radio 4, 9am - Claire Balding will be discussing hair loss, Professor Stephen Hawking will be sharing his passion for hunting with birds of prey, and Alan Cumming will be testing the boundaries of public service broadcasting.

2.In tomorrow's Food Programme, Sheila Dillon reviews Heston Blumenthal's limited-edition Waitrose Easter egg - made with 65% cocoa, gold-top unicorn milk and the sugars naturally occurring in the tears of newly-hatched chicks. She asks, Is Waitrose doing enough to keep the riff-raff out of Fortnums?

3.In Monday's Woman's Hour, cosmetic podiatrist Hermione Pillock will be explaining why, for reasons of social embarrassment, she's changing her name to Sarah.

I really like a lot of the one liners on this thread I'm surprised they've not been used. Here are my rejected efforts this week.

BREAKING

Referee Andre Mariner to release version of Guess Who where all black people look the same.

Apollo Theatre collapse was caused by weak and old material, Michael McIntyre questioned by police.

15 flamingos murdered at Frankfurt zoo, but with no witnesses the police haven't got a leg to stand on.

COMING UP

Are users of comic sans doomed to spend eternity burning in Helvetica?

Rizzle Kicks and Professor Green in twitter potato row, fans hope for mash-up.

If you have Ants in your pants, is Dec up your jumper?

TV LISTINGS

Game of Thrones fans discuss the show's penchant for female nudity in Shame Of Bones.

American woman finds country singer's corpse in her loft, Cash In The Attic is at 9.

Kay Burley starts a detective agency and goes undercover as a teenage porn star investigating the erotic film industry in Burley Legal.

When Gwynneth Paltrow asked Chris Martin for a conscious uncoupling ... he thought about it and then politely withdrew.

(Ok have never sent anything in)

Someday I'll crack this...

BREAKING NEWS:

Law of gravity upheld in ball-throwing incidents everywhere.

David Cameron pledges to replace old Etonians with brand new ones.

Sellotape selfie craze continues, though sociologists struggle to identify the start.

COMING UP:

We speak to a biologist about bringing back the Woolly Mammoth, and what that would mean for the sheep industry.

We reunite the cast of Tomorrow's World, and make fun of all the things they got wrong.

We'll breakdown down the budget into the parts that are patronizing to ordinary folk, and the parts that are mindblowingly patronizing to ordinary folk.

LISTINGS:

Next on ITV2, Inspector Moyes, in which a bumbling Police Inspector tries to solve murders by finding an early lead, and then holding on to it in the desperate hope he won't get the sack.

Don't miss the new Sky comedy about a precocious toddler who's constantly driving his carpenter dad and stay-at-home mum right up the wall - that's "Jesus! Jesus" tomorrow at 7.30pm.

If you like "The Voice" you're sure to love "The Thumb", the new show where people compete to see who's got the best thumb.

BREAKING NEWS:

1.Apollo Theatre vows not to stage any more work by Andrew Lloyd-Weber after learning their ceiling collapse was down to old and weak material.

2.Long queue forms after a woman openly admits she kicked Max Clifford between the legs.

3.Missing plane thought to be in the same place as the careers of the Jedward twins.

COMING UP:

1.Following the recent ceremony in Poland commemorating The Great Escape, we ask, "Did they invite any old Tom, Dick and Harry?"

2.Lab-Lib. A potential 2015 political coalition, or amusing slang for a woman's naughty bits?

3.After being assaulted by a gang of youths whilst dining out, one half of Ant and Dec, Ant McPartlin tells us how he wishes he'd opted instead for a takeaway.

LISTINGS:

1.Straight after Newsjack on Radio 4 Extra, it's a new play about Twitter which features a huge cast.140 characters.

2.A spin-off show of Crufts, dogs learn to cook in The Great British Bark Off.

One Liners
Breaking News.

1. Soldier given special honour after surviving 17 bomb blasts, is blown away by the award.

2. Councillors who banned people from eating fish and chips with their finger face getting battered at the polls.

3. Minister bans prisoners from receiving books unless they were written by Jeffrey Archer.

Coming up.

1. We will the asking the chip shop owner who claims to have created a 10,000 calorie burger if he has been telling whoppers.

2. We will be asking an MP who spends £320 of taxpayers money on designer glasses if thinks he is being a little short-sighted.

3. We will be asking the man who has just set up a fashion label for dogs where he got all his leads from.

Listings
1. At 8 on 4 In 'Last of the Summer Swine' we will be paying a visit to River Cottage where Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall will be showing us what to do with leftover pork.

2. Very Loose Women on Channel looks at the dangers of laxatives addiction.

3. Tonight on BBC ONE we have more crime drama with the constipated detective in 'Not Shit Sherlock'

From 2 weeks back that I never posted, including my attempt to perpetuate the Russell Crowe thingy...

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

World population maintains surprise growing streak since 1350.

Researchers have discovered the best way to make people give up smoking is to bribe them with money. The geniuses involved suspect it may also apply to making them do manual labour or providing goods and services, but don't want to get ahead of themselves.

Last week we reported that Russell Crowe is an actual crow, which is obviously not true, as everyone knows that crows are black. This just in - Denzel Washington is a crow.

COMING UP:

I'll find out why "Five UK families are richer than 12.6 million Britons", though I suspect it's because they've got more money.

We'll chat with the person who does the fake voices for all the people who don't want to be identified.

The stars of the West End Musical 'The Full Monty' express their displeasure at having been cancelled so quickly - says one cast member "I can't believe the cheek of it".

LISTINGS:

Coming soon to C4 - "The Aftertaste" - an exciting new game show where TV critics compete to rubbish "The Taste" by using as many cooking puns as possible.

In this week's Dragons' Den, guest dragon George Osborne makes all the entrepreneurs feel like winners by taking half their cash away.

On BBC1 at 10, "Homes Under the Hammer and Sickle" looks at what happens to your house valuation when it suddenly becomes part of a neo-Soviet empire led by Vladimir Putin.

Breaking News:

Ant; decked.

A rise on the US currency market means a fist full of dollars is now worth a few dollars more.

BREAKING NEWS:
1."Locksmith put in headlock."
2."Arsonist joins fire brigade."
3."Plumber banned from tap dancing."

COMING UP:
1."Ten minutes of dead air."
2."We invent a new swear word."
3."Is the BBC ageist? We consult a bunch of old dears."

LISTINGS:
1."On E4 at nine, there's more extreme gambling in 'How I Bet Your Mother'."
2."Messrs Rotten and Depp are back in 'The Two Johnnies'."
3."On BBC One at ten, things get spooky in 'Crash in the Attic'."

BREAKING NEWS:

1.The average person in Britain who is admitted to A&E every fifteen seconds has just left hospital after making a full recovery. Oh, sorry, my mistake, he's back in hospital again.

2.Abusive man asking for directions is told where to go.

3.Coronation Street spoiler alert: Les Dennis is actually Mavis Riley returning to the soap after a sex change.

COMING UP:

1.With blockbuster movie Noah receiving poor reviews, we ask, "Is it because films like this went out with the ark?"

2.Tennis ball theft. A serious crime? Or would they throw it out of court?

3.If Scotland gets its independence, we ask, "What will that make Andy Murray? A miserable git or a miserable git?"

LISTINGS:

1.On Channel 4 at 8pm, a new cookery show, How To Cook Chinese Food. This is followed straight afterwards by Jamie Oliver's 30 Minute Meals as you're bound to feel hungry again in half an hour.

2.Following the release in cinemas of Noah, BBC4 is showing a documentary tonight at nine about how the ark was built using planks of two by two.

3.This Sunday on BBC1, Andrew Marr talks to Alistair Campbell about washing machines, but all he gets back is a load of spin.

BREAKING NEWS:
1.After finally vanquishing the Carthaginians the Roman Empire has invaded South America and started fighting with Brazilians, in what may become the Fourth Pubic War.

COMING UP:
1.Can a rich man enter the Kingdom of Heaven? We'll be asking a very small camel who says it may be easier than we thought.
2.Was the Royal Mail sold off to private investors too cheaply? We ask a Labour MP who says Yes, a Tory MP who says No, and a postman who gives us a card saying he's sorry we weren't in.
3.As the Japanese are finally banned from hunting whales we visit one of the few remaining locations where whaling is still permitted, Jerusalem.
LISTINGS:
1.Later on One, Messrs Wakeman, Stein and Astley come out of retirement on a naturist resort to investigate cold cases, in Nude Ricks.
2.A new in-depth documentary series on Sky Arts chronicles the increasingly unhealthy diet in Western society and whether this has caused widespread obesity and diabetes, in 'How Fat Is Your Mum?'.
3.Following a reinvestigation of the evidence, this afternoon's episode of Diagnosis Murder has been replaced by Diagnosis Well He Was Asking For A Heart-Attack With His Lifestyle.

They didn't use my Bevan gag? For shame...

ONELINERS

BREAKING NEWS:

Pound falls, gets back up again.

Kate Bush reaches top of hill.

Jeremy Clarkson show airs without controversy.

COMING UP:

Now that gay marriage is a fact, we'll examine the new battleground for equal rights, gay unconscious coupling.

I'll not talk to a mind reader, to see if she can answer my questions anyway.

We'll figure out which font to use to save us the cost of a pint.

LISTINGS:

On Channel 5 at 9pm, Simon Baker plays a psychic home brew enthusiast who solves crimes in "The Fermentalist".

Next on Film Four, the gripping psychological thriller about the struggles of the postwar Labour Party, "We need to talk about Bevan".

Coming up, Christopher Marlowe gets whacked on "Bardwalk Empire".

Coronation Street spoiler alert: Les Dennis is actually Mavis Riley returning to the soap after a sex change.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Selfridges opens a library of chocolate, and says they there'll be no talking inside - just Whispas.
2. Pope clarifies rules on life after death: you can take your wealth with you, but no liquids over 100ml.
3. The driver of an electric car has been arrested after attempting to outrun police. He was eventually released with no charge.

COMING UP:
1. Nick Griffin admits that the only reason he tried to prevent civil war in Syria is because he thought it was a civil partnership.
2. We look at the new Tate Modern exhibits made from cardboard, sticky tape and polystyrene, and ask if it's also art when it's delivered by Amazon with a toaster inside it.
3. We ask whether online news headlines are becoming too overblown... and you'll be AMAZED at what we find.

LISTINGS:
1. At 8pm, Channel 4 follow up their documentary "Nigel Farage: Who Are You?" with the more pertinent "Nigel Farage: Why Are You?"
2. On BBC Two later, Michael Portillo eats a disappointing cheese sandwich and is forced to take a replacement bus service from Crewe in "Crap British Railway Journeys".
3. And in half an hour, time for another hilarious look at the inept inner workings of the BBC: it's the News at Ten.

Well I suppose I'll catch up, having not posted anything since my week one failures...

-----------------------WEEK-TWO--------------------

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Vladimir Putin wrestles a lion to submission. Kremlin press officers blame mixup between Crimea and Narnia.

2. British MP disqualified from partially-sighted Paralympic event after it's discovered their lack of vision is only metaphorical.

3. International outrage after geometry exam asks Malaysian pupils to find a plane.

COMING UP:

1. One of Britain's partially-sighted skiers will be telling us how exciting winning a medal at Sochi was for both her and her guide dog.

2. Coming up soon is the seafood paella that didn't taste quite right but wasn't bad enough to stop me eating it for lunch.

3. A sweet old lady tells us why cats are her true friends.

LISTINGS:

1. On Channel 4 now, press the red button to watch the new series of Sexbox. Or stay tuned for "The Beginners Guide to Foreplay" if you're having trouble finding the red button.

2. On Living at 9, Tyra Banks struggles to smile with her eyes while removing surplus glue from her hands in America's Next Top Airfix Model.

3. Later tonight ITV2 joins the American singer, famous for 'If I could Turn Back Time", as she has her reading room painted bright red. That's Cher-Look Homes: My Study in Scarlet.

-----------------------WEEK-THREE--------------------

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Hollywood's Noah will now be shown in Bahrain on condition that it loses money, avoiding the Islamic taboo of films showing profits.

2. As anti-Russian temperatures rise, Ukrainian officials in Kiev say they're not chicken.

3. Formula One chiefs say Red Bull driver Daniel Riccardio was disqualified from Sunday's race after his car was found to have wings.

COMING UP:

1. The expert who claims Bob Marley liked his doughnuts with cream in them.

2. Does multiple personality disorder exist? We talk to an expert in two minds about it.

3. After the Clifford sex trial, we ask 'Is the PR industry a suitable place for Big Red Dogs'?

LISTINGS:

1. Later on Radio 4 "Just 5 more minutes - a history of waking up". Be warned that the show contains sounds some listeners may find alarming.

2. BBC 4's Conservative Party Night with Rory Bremner starts with "Rory's Tory Story", "Mory Rory's Tory Story" and then the film "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels".

3. On ITV DCI Jane Tennison looks for any numbers that divide into 2 billion 357 million 83,561 without leaving a remainder. That's 'Prime Suspect' at 7:13.

-----------------------WEEK-FOUR--------------------

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Police have said that the 1970s comedian who kept bursting into tears whilst making love will not face charges of hysterical sex abuse.

2. Ban on exporting paint to Moscow latest sanction against the Russian Banksy.

3. Researchers who found that activity levels in mums and children are directly linked have said their next project looks for any correlation between ursine habitat forestation and their resulting defecation habits.

COMING UP:

1. REMOVED AS I LIKE THIS ONE SO MUCH I'LL BLOODY WELL RESUBMIT IT TIL SERIES END...

2. Why the government culled Tuberculosis Badgers, but wants to vaccinate against Meningitis Bees.

3. Wanted dead or alive! Our appeal asks: Have you got another cat for Dr Schrödinger?

LISTINGS:

1. All the latest from the world of spheres, arcs and circles on John Craven's RoundNews.

2. Religious leaders ponder the effects of high-fibre diets in Fart for the Day.

3. All this week join BBC 2's Springwatch for an exciting look at the hidden world of coiled metal.

-----------------------WEEK-FIVE--------------------

BREAKING NEWS:

1. After French farmers take sheep through the Louvre to protest EU farming policy, a similar protest at Tate Modern has backfired when Damien Hirst arrived.

2. Skeletons unearthed by Crossrail found to be waiting for the 10:15 from Northampton.

3. Comedian who bought the entire audience a drink to apologise revealed as Jason Manford and not Romesh... London audience gutted.

COMING UP:

1. REMOVED AS I STILL LIKE THIS ONE SO MUCH I'LL BLOODY WELL RESUBMIT... I'M STUBBORN LIKE THAT

2. Should fast-tracked police recruits use flashing lights and sirens?

3. Writing radio comedy: Are cat-based puns purrfect?

LISTINGS:

1. Panorama exposes the doctors who tell patients to pull themselves together when they suffer serious mental health issues, such as delusions that they're a pair of curtains.

2. Tonight's "What Not To Wear" features knitted flares, sarongs and a small village in Dorset.

3. After nearly 16 years off air, John Stapleton returns with the talk show that tackles current affairs and cooking simple fish and herb dishes. That's "The Thyme, The Plaice" tomorrow morning on ITV.

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Phew! Bet you're glad that that's over!!