Newsjack one liner thread - series 10 Page 2

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ 14th March 2014, 12:18 AM GMT

Are you talking about the thread or the show?

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Sorry, The show was poor. The rejected gags are much better.

Week One Rejects:

BREAKING NEWS:

1.Philip Seymour Hoffman's death has drawn attention to the fact that there are as many as 70 million Americans taking mind-altering drugs, however some feel that these figures could be more than a little high.

2.The Ukrainian Rear Admiral Denys Berezovsky has defected, leaving the NAVY for the RED army

3.Obama's 'Iron Man' quip about the robotic technology with a military application has sparked a quick response from David Cameron as he announces the Tories 'Iron Lady' initiative. However the party has requested that it lacks the capability of turning.

LISTINGS:

1.Later on BBC ONE Jonnie Irwin goes house hunting for a Ukrainian family who are looking to move to the Bolshoi region, that's in Escape from the Country.

2.Things take a sinister turn for Hugh Dennis as he finds himself in a Ukrainian Army Base, that's Outnumbered at 21:00 on BBC ONE.

3.BBC THREE looks at the return of an old 'Giant Virus' that has once again shown its capacity for destruction. Tune in for 'The unveiling of the statue of Tony Blair' at 19:30.

Week 2 Rejects

Breaking News:

1.Uproar at the RoboCop premiere and once again Andrew Mitchell has been thrust into the spotlight in what is already being called 'RoboPlebgate'

2.Talking about his latest film, 'Noah', Russell Crowe said he really enjoyed the feel of the wood. He's a big fan of the Arkitexture..

3.Scientists in the US are combining deer and greyhound DNA. Thoughts are they're trying to make a quick buck.

COMING UP:

1.Coming up we'll be asking 'Where is my script? Seriously, I don't have my script! For the love of God, someone get me a spare or something!' so that's something to look forward to!

2.I'll be displaying my limbo skills, lets just say I set the bar pretty high.

3.We'll be chatting with some A.W.O.L soldiers who left puddings in the Sahara in our section Deserters desert desserts in desert.

LISTINGS:

1.On BBC 1 tonight, FILM 2014 looks at the film 'The Muppets; Most Wanted' and why Ricky Gervais is a no-brainer for the starring role.

2.With the announcement that BBC 3 will no longer be broadcast after September 2015, BBC 2 asks the question what next; in 'Cull The Midwife?'.

3.*WARNING* The following program, planet earth, contains geographic scenes.

Some of these I had already tweeted. (@catstrey)

Week 2's in the bin!

BREAKING NEWS:

1. TV licence dodgers will no longer be prosecuted if they refuse to pay. Instead, offenders must wear a pointy hat and sit on the CBeebies Naughty Step.

2. Florence Cameron has a new nanny. But Downing Street denies hiring cheap 'fictional' labour despite only interviewing Mary Poppins, Nanny McPhee and Snarf from ThunderCats.

3. In New York, thousands of Scratch 'n' Sniff Tour Brochures are being recalled after Rehab Centres found patients snorting pages 2, 5, 9... (... AD LIB NUMBERS & FADE)

COMING UP:

1. JK Rowling conjures up a Banishing Charm to combat evil trolls on the Royal Family's facebook page.

2. Apple unveils their controversial "iPhone Stun" - is this one upgrade too far? We talk to the Greater Manchester Police who plan to retaliate with Star Trek phasers and sonic screwdrivers.

3. New CBE Michael Crawford reveals the Queen personally scooped the poop when (FRANK SPENCER VOICE) "a corgi did a whoopsie on the carpet ... ooooh, Lizzie!"

LISTINGS:

1. At midnight, CHANNEL FIVE investigates sensory deprivation and follows a family going TV-cold-turkey in "Channel Off Air".

2. Tomorrow, YESTERDAY looks at bric-a-brac through the ages, in an afternoon of themed shows: "Spot It... Blog It... Prod It... Drop It Down The Bog It... Sod It... so might as well Flog It...!"

BREAKING NEWS:

1.Kim Jong-un's popularity continues to plummet as the North Korean leader received only 100% of the votes in a recent national election; this figure is down 312% in comparison to 2009's voting statistics.

2.New reports have suggested that there is a possibility there are more Russian troops stationed in Crimea than originally suspected, as a video of Russian soldiers of decreasing size being placed one inside the other has surfaced.

3.London has been chosen to trial new 'smart zebra crossings' in a bid to tackle the recent introduction of 'dumb pelican crossings' which now have a flashing purple light which urges you to 'run if you think you can make it'.

COMING UP:

1.We show you how it's now possible to burn through your entire internet data cap in 17 minutes using the recently announced 5G internet plan.

2.We trial the new gas powered cigarette that is becoming all the rage in hipster circle's throughout Britain.

3.We talk to a man who is unhappy with his body's battery life and what he is hoping for in God's 1.2 human patch update.

LISTINGS:

1.Sky News host a special 'Snowden Hour' from 9:30 in which they bring you all the texts, tweets and phone call reactions to Edward Snowden's recent conference, days before they're due to be released.

2.Channel 5 at 9pm, a one-off look at Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 - A gritty exposé in which they consider the possibility that the Bermuda Triangle has returned and then come to the shocking conclusion that it most definitely has.

3.BBC 2 takes an in-depth look at the recent shortage of NHS nurses and what the government can do to alleviate the issue in 'NHS: The Return of the Green Goddesses'.

Breaking News: New dementia test flawed as sufferers forget the results.

I'm thinking I should just post my efforts here now.

Breaking News:

After years in the doldrums the pound rallied sharply today and is now worth half a kilogramme.

Disappointment today for those convinced the moon is made of cheese. Further analysis proves it's rock. Multiple samples were found to have the word Backpool running through them.

COMING UP:
1.We'll be asking 'Shakespeare: Genius, or just a little bit crap?'

My first attempt at NJ (failed).

BREAKING NEWS:
1.Science teacher sacked for using tattooed breasts in an explanation of Solar System. Fortunately she was stopped before getting to Uranus.
2.Scotland agree deal to get pound on weekends
3.British winner of £108million euro lottery prize will put their haul towards a one-bed flatshare in Hackney.

COMING UP:
1.We take a look at David Moyes through the ages and track his actions from the last days of the Roman Empire to his ownership of Woolworths.
2.We launch our appeal to re-house abandoned pints of Guinness, [beat] it's called "if you don't like it, don't bloody buy it in the first place, you're not impressing anyone, in fact you're wasting everyone's time - drink your lager and be happy you conforming blarney!"
3.We decide whether a seflie of three or more people should be called a groupie.

LISTINGS:
1.Nigel Farage reviews his contribution to British Politics in Nothing to Declare at 9 on BBC2.
2.Later on UK Gold we've got a special Only Fools and Horses marathon to celebrate the fact it's Tuesday.
3.Coming up at 7pm on BBC Two members of the public compete to be slightly better at a thing.

BREAKING NEWS:
1."Bossy lady bans the word 'bossy'."
2."Gellar bends spooning couple."
3."Non-doms given free condoms."

COMING UP:
1."We frolic naked whilst talking backwards."
2."We meet a clown who gives himself nightmares."
3."We ask whether impotence can improve your sex life."

LISTINGS:
1."On ITV1 at one, the lady executioners are back in 'Noose Women'."
2."Up next on Five, there's pus galore in 'Strictly Come Lancing'."
3."At ten on BBC Two, it's 'Jools Holland Live... from the Netherlands'."

BREAKING NEWS:

Ukraine has reiterated that it doesn't recognise Crimea. Russia, on the other hand, insists that the false moustache and glasses aren't fooling anybody.

Earth visible from space!

Obama and Abbas have concluded secret talks. A spokesman for the president said, disappointingly, there was no likelihood of an imminent reformation of the Swedish Supergroup.

COMING UP:

Still to come we'll be discussing President Putin's plans to annexe Crimea. Apparently he's considering upgrading the broadband infrastructure and installing a wet room with Jacuzzi.

BREAKING NEWS:
1.We've just received verification that the turnout in the Crimea ballot was 96.94 per cent. That's very nearly one whole person.
2.In an attempt to defuse the tensions in Crimea the Russian authorities have invited the Ukraine people to play a new game with them. It's called Russian Ballot. It's like Russian Roulette, only all the chambers are full.

COMING UP:
1.Later on, we'll be looking at the sanctions applied to high status Russians due to the crisis in Crimea. Personally, I'll be looking on eBay in the hope of picking up two cheap tickets for Chelsea's next home game.
2.As Newsjack pays it respects on the passing of Clarissa Dickson Wright, we'll be looking at details of the last project she was involved in. Apparently, she was to spearhead the latest NHS publicity campaign against female obesity - 'No Fat Ladies.'

Oh well...

My TV listings this week:

1.On Channel 4 at 8pm, Kirsty Allsop helps reformed burglars get on the property ladder in Probation, Probation, Probation.

2.On BBC1 at 9pm, we dress sick people in smart but comfortable clothes, in Casual-Tie.

3.On ITV1 now, it's Ant and Dec's new celebrity dance show, Let's Get Ready To Rumba.

BREAKING NEWS:

1.UKIP claim Nigel Farage's affair is a result of his morals being hijacked by unknown individuals and deliberately taken off course.
2.Complaints in Edinburgh that a phone box has been taken out of action in order to host the Scottish Conservative Conference.
3.Alex Salmond proposes an independent Scotland shares the pound with the rest of the UK. The pound is said to be looking forward to going to the zoo every other weekend.

COMING UP:

1.If you've been affected by any of the issues in tonight's Eastenders, here's a picture of Dale Winton with some kittens. Is that better? The orange man and the little kitties...
2.Next on KGBTV: Crimeawatch. Remember, we're watching how each and every one of you votes in referendum, comrade.
3.Next on BBC Two. Three middle-class white men employ casual racism and a sense of superiority to belittle ancient civilisations. It's new Top Gear.

LISTINGS:

1.Tonight on Channel 4, "Educating Essex". Stephen Hawking explains to Joey Essex how they get the bread under the melted cheese for cheese on toast.
2.Next week on The Voice, six more tuneless karaoke puppets get dragged closer to the obscurity that has enveloped the last two winners.
3.Next year on BBC3: Jack Whitehall in "Signing On".

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Astronaut Tim Peake has finally chosen a name for the first British ISS mission: Operation "popping into space for a bit".
2. 95% of Scots have voted to leave the UK and join Russia, claims Vladimir Putin.
3. Schrödinger's cat found dead in a wheelie bin.

COMING UP:
1. We talk to Kermit the Frog about his 40 years of campaigning against racial discrimination, and ask why it's still not easy being green.
2. We hear from a scientist who's discovered that reading The Daily Mail causes cancer.
3. Our intrepid reporters find out what happens when you try to give a bus driver a £50 note.

LISTINGS:
1. On Channel 4 at 8pm, proof that humans can still learn from the great apes, as a chimpanzee shows Joey Essex how to use basic tools.
2. At 9pm Channel 5 go head-to-head against ITV drama with their stirring tale of love, heroism and heavy discounting in Mr Aldi.
3. And at 4am on BBC2 it's Much Much Later With Jools Holland, in which a stoned Paul Weller tries to explain conspiracy theories to KT Tunstall, Florence and The Machine get off with Mumford & Sons, and Jools passes out on his piano.

Quote: AndyGilder @ 20th March 2014, 10:10 PM GMT

LISTINGS:

1.Tonight on Channel 4, "Educating Essex". Stephen Hawking explains to Joey Essex how they get the bread under the melted cheese for cheese on toast.
2.Next week on The Voice, six more tuneless karaoke puppets get dragged closer to the obscurity that has enveloped the last two winners.
3.Next year on BBC3: Jack Whitehall in "Signing On".

View original

I liked these ones.

BTW, I tried a Crimeawatch gag for the first episode.

BREAKING NEWS:

World population maintains surprise growing streak since 1350.

Researchers have discovered the best way to make people give up smoking is to bribe them with money. The geniuses involved suspect it may also apply to making them do manual labour or providing goods and services, but don't want to get ahead of themselves.

Last week we reported that Russell Crowe is an actual crow, which is obviously not true, as everyone knows that crows are black. This just in - Denzel Washington is a crow.

COMING UP:

I'll find out why "Five UK families are richer than 12.6 million Britons", though I suspect it's because they've got more money.

We'll chat with the person who does the fake voices for all the people who don't want to be identified.

The stars of the West End Musical 'The Full Monty' express their displeasure at having been cancelled so quickly - says one cast member "I can't believe the cheek of it".

LISTINGS:

Coming soon to C4 - "The Aftertaste" - an exciting new game show where TV critics compete to rubbish "The Taste" by using as many cooking puns as possible.

In this week's Dragons' Den, guest dragon George Osborne makes all the entrepreneurs feel like winners by taking half their cash away.

On BBC1 at 10, "Homes Under the Hammer and Sickle" looks at what happens to your house valuation when it suddenly becomes part of a neo-Soviet empire led by Vladimir Putin.