Skit Comp 7 - 15.3.14

Thanks for another phwoarsome skitcomp, especially as there are shitloads of opps at the mo so this usually gets the shitty end of the sphincter. Congratulations to GAPPY for winning: please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject for next wank. Mixing my metahors.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - ShirlTheWhirl, Supermanc

Your new subject: LOST (chosen by Stonked).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except bin Laden.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 15.3.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 20 - Stonked
2 - 11 - Gappy
3 - 10 - ShirlTheWhirl
4 - 5 - Supermanc, Michael Monkhouse
5 - 1 - Otterfox, Nick81

My sister spent 7 years in India trying to find herself. I said, Aren't you on Facebook?

How did Manu get on?

I lost my mood ring

I just don't know how to feel about this...

"Why are those people on that beach apologising to us, Captain?"

"I don't know. What's stranger is they're using text-talk. Anyway, let's hurry back to port."

(I should have written this 10 years ago, probably. Never mind).

ANNOUNCER: [US VOICE] This fall, on The Pacific Network...

[Fade up on dishevelled MAN IN SUIT, his eyes flicking around wildly]

ANNOUNCER: Become ensnared in a new drama.

[MAN IN SUIT stumbles in a bare, dim room. Cut to MAN IN SUIT peering behind broken mirror, throwing faded baroque clothes from an old trunk over his shoulder]

ANNOUNCER: Uncertainty.

[Cut to MAN IN SUIT pushing a single, unshaded 60w bulb dangling from the ceiling back and forth]

ANNOUNCER: Rage

[Cut to MAN IN SUIT scrabbling madly at dusty floorboards, and screaming]

ANNOUNCER: Fear

[Cut to MAN IN SUIT looking shocked, gasping as he discovers HANDSOME RAKE behind a motheaten Chinese screen]

ANNOUNCER: A place where nobody is what they seem

MAN IN SUIT: You seem like you could be a gambling man.

HANDSOME RAKE: I'm not.

MAN IN SUIT: Oh.

ANNOUNCER: 15 people. One room. And a whole lot of confusion. And a Scalextric

[Cut to HANDSOME RAKE trying to put broken Scalextric track together]

HANDSOME RAKE: I don't understand! Is it a puzzle? [Scream] What do you want from me?!

[Cut to LITHE TOMBOY, poking at a nearly bare fake Christmas tree]

LITHE TOMBOY: How did we get here?

[Cut to CHEEKY CHAPPY kicking a pile of mildewed Reader's Digests]

CHEEKY CHAPPY: Are we trapped?

[HANDSOME RAKE's hand comes into shot and picks one up]

HANDSOME RAKE: Reader's Dig Est? It's latin. It's a clue. In latin.

ANNOUNCER: Enter a world of mystery. Albeit really quite a small world.

[CUT to MAN IN SUIT ion his knees shouting no at a camera shooting from above. Cut to CHEEKY CHAPPY weeping onto KINDLY WOMAN's shoulder. Cut to all these and many others all shouting simultaneously, whilst pointing at the scattered mixed pieces of Mouse Trap and Buckaroo on the floor in front of them]

ANNOUNCER: Prepare for...Loft!

[Orchestra crash, fade to black, with large white capitals spelling "loft" . Fade up on MAN IN SUIT, crouching in front of camera, the rest of the cast in a semicircle in the semi-darkness behind him]

MAN IN SUIT: I found a hatch...

A CAR COMES TO A HALT IN A QUIET COUNTRY LANE

INT. THE CAR - A MAN AND A WOMAN, BOTH IN THEIR EIGHTIES

LILIAN
Why have we stopped again? Don't tell me we're lost again. How could we be lost again?

ROY
Calm down. Of course we're not lost again. I recognise that tree over there.

LILIAN
I knew it. We are lost again. That's the tree where you had a big pee when we were lost the first time.

ROY
You're right - it was a big pee. And that's on account of two hours beforehand it was a big, delicious mug of hot coffee which I brought to you in bed this morning.

LILIAN
Do what? I didn't get a delicious mug of hot coffee in bed this morning.

ROY
No, I know you didn't. Ultimately it looked so delicious I decided to drink it myself. And I thoroughly enjoyed it while sitting on the toilet and reading the insertion instructions on a box of tampons.

LILIAN
A box of tampons? Where on earth did they come from?

ROY
I found them in a parked trolley at Tesco the other night. Somebody must have left them there by mistake. I'm guessing it was a woman.

LILIAN
You should have left them there. What use are tampons to the likes of us two?

ROY
I thought they might come in handy, but that was before I read the insertion instructions. I now realise there's no way I could fit one of those things in my ear.

LILIAN
Really?

ROY
Totally out of the question. But for all that, the instructions made fascinating reading. I'm still undecided about whether it's better to insert while sitting down or standing up. No - I take that back. It's just hit me. Start off standing, position the tampon at the tip of the index finger and then sit - one simple movement does the job for you. Easier than I at first imagined. How did you used to do it?

LILIAN
In private. Can we get started again, now? Please? (CHECKS HER WATCH) But then again, why bother. We're already too late.

ROY
Oh, who cares. I'm sure they'll be pleased to see us, late or otherwise.

LILIAN
No. I'm not turning up late. It wouldn't be right.

ROY
What then? You want to go home?

LILIAN
What else can we do? We can't go now. He'll be buried before we even get there.

ROY
Buried? Who's getting buried? I thought we were going to a wedding?

LILIAN
Well, think of it as a lucky escape. At least you've been spared the embarrassment of being the only mourner to turn up with a carnation in his button hole and confetti in his pocket.

ROY
Why? Why would you do that? You watched me wrap that fondue set, last night. You even made me wash it up first. Why didn't you put me right last night?

LILIAN
I didn't see the point. I knew we'd never get there.

END

NAOMI - 'Right Lisa? As it's your birthday we thought we'd go to Scoff Unlimited tonight.

LISA - The all-you-can-eat buffet? But I'm on a diet.

NAOMI - You told me yesterday that you'd lost 5 pounds. You're supposed to give yourself little treats when you're losing weight.

LISA - Yes, like one little square of chocolate.

NAOMI - Well I've told Hayley now. Just because it's an all-you-can-eat buffet, it don't mean you have to pig out.

LISA - So I'm going to eat a lettuce leaf while you and Hayley re-enact the entire series of Man Versus Food in front of me.

NAOMI - You could have a bit of cucumber as well. Oh cheer up my little chunk-a-lunk.

LISA - Oh go on, rub it in that I'm fat.

NAOMI - What?

LISA - Calling me chunk-a-lunk!

NAOMI - It's a term of endearment.

LISA - I never hear you calling Hayley chunk-a-lunk.

NAOMI - Well she's a skinny minny.

LISA - See, you've just proved my point.

NAOMI - Oh come on Lisa, it's your birthday. (SINGS) We're gonna party, like it's your birthday!

LISA - Never mind my birthday, you don't want me to lose weight, cos then people will notice that you're a bit of a lard bucket yourself.

NAOMI - Are you calling me fat?

LISA - Yeah!

NAOMI - Well have your birthday by yourself, loser!

LISA - Fine! You're a rubbish probation officer anyway!

Enjoyed Shirl, and Michael's was a nice little line, but I'll vote for Stonked - tampon part was a bit overstretched, but the meat of it was very nice.

So difficult - I like them all this week - even though I didn't get a couple of them straight away! Liked Stonked's, but it was a bit too drawn out, so between Gappy and Gregmweir. Going for Gregmweir - think it would be really funny if it was filmed.

I feel like I'm flying blind, here - I've never watched Lost and I've never sent or received a text.

I like the idea behind gregmweir's castaways, but I've been unable to find any reference to SOS meaning sorry (SOZ?), which sort of spoils it. But then, what do I know.

Shirl's chugged along nicely but lost its oomph at the end.

Michael and supermanc strayed nicely into zen.

Another40winks clearly doesn't support ManU.

All I know about "Lost" is that it was about the survivors of an aeroplane accident - and I'm not even sure about that - so my enjoyment of "Loft" owes nothing to whatever clever interplay of ideas Gappy might have carefully woven in. I simply liked it for itself, so Gappy gets my vote.

Quote: gappy @ 16th March 2014, 12:27 PM GMT

tampon part was a bit overstretched, but the meat of it was very nice.

View original

Yuk. Unless it's Melanie C's of course.
You never know who your friends are. Unless you're on Facebook, there's a list.
Going for Gappy again.

Stonked... very "One Foot in the Grave"...

Quote: stonked @ 16th March 2014, 6:01 PM GMT

my enjoyment of "Loft" owes nothing to whatever clever interplay of ideas Gappy might have carefully woven in

View original

I can assure there was nothing of the sort Just a dumb play on Lost/Loft. I guess the last line required knowledge of the TV show, but otherwise it was simply a godawful pun

Quote: gappy @ 18th March 2014, 3:38 PM GMT

I can assure there was nothing of the sort Just a dumb play on Lost/Loft. I guess the last line required knowledge of the TV show, but otherwise it was simply a godawful pun

View original

Dear Mr Monkhouse,

I wish to protest most strongly at the abysmal lack of carefully woven interplay in the sketch "Loft" by Gappy.

Yours in disgust

Outraged of Tunbridge Wells