Comedy Sketch feedback required

I am a young-ish stand-up comedian but I am more interested in writing comedy than performing it. I have just started writing a few sketches for radio and I am eager to gain feedback and advice on anything to do with my writing.

This is a sketch to do with the passengers of the mayflower trying to distance themselves from England.

CAPTAIN:
Okay everyone, can you all crowd around. Right the journey on the mayflower has been long, dangerous and at times deadly. But we will go down in history as the first settlers here in the New World. From this day we are no longer English we are Americans... And with that being said does anyone have any ideas on how we can distance ourselves from the English?

CREW #1:
We could start a new language.

CAPTAIN:
Good idea. We'll do that now. So the word 'the' will now be...

FX - PEOPLE MURMURING

CREW#2:
Maybe we should, to save time, use the English language as a template and just change some of the words?

CAPTAIN:
Yes that's a much better idea. So does anyone have any really important words in particular they want to change?

CREW#1:
I never liked the word 'bins' as in put the rubbish in the bins. It sounds a bit like 'beans' and I think it's confusing.

CAPTAIN:
Bins? If you could change one word in the English language it'd be bins?

CREW#1:
Yeah you don't know how many times I've eaten baked rubbish instead of baked beans.

CAPTAIN:
Has that ever happened?

CREW#1:
Well not yet but it could happen to anyone and slash or everyone.

CAPTAIN:
(annoyed) Nobody has ever made that mistake! You've just been on-board a ship, with a lack of food for months, to escape England just so you no longer have to say bins? What do you want to call them instead?

CREW#1:
Trash cans?

CAPTAIN:
Okay someone write that down and let's move this forward. Has anyone got any other problems they have with the current language?

CREW#2:
I've never liked the way we spell colour. I'm just going to put that out there.

CREW#1:
Yeah I agree. Colour with a 'u'? What gives with that?

CAPTAIN:
(angry) What? Are you kidding me? That's what you want to change ahead of anything else. You want to get rid of the 'u' so it now says col-or?

CREW#2:
Honestly that'd make up for the fact I lost my husband on the journey here.

CAPTAIN:
(sarcastic) Fine. Let's do that then. We came here to start a new culture, a new beginning for us all, a chance to distance ourselves from the English, and well I guess we've achieved that now we've got rid of the 'u' in colour and got a new word for bins. Well done everyone. One final thing actually, what do we want to call this part of the country?

CREW#1:
New England?

CAPTAIN:
Whatever, I'm going to bed

I really like it. It's a good premise and there are good laughs in there. There are a couple of areas to look at. It's got some unnecessary words in it, e.g. the captain's opening sentence. We know he is addressing people by what he says so you don't need him to get them gathered round. Anything you can do to get into the sketch quicker, you should, and trim any other fat. I also wonder if the general language (not the specific new words) is too modern. There's potential for the sketch to lose focus if the language jars the listener. Overall though it's a really nice sketch. For radio, you could add an ATMOS - BOAT AT SEA at the start to set the scene. It would've fitted the recent BBC Show What You Wrote opportunity very well - hopefully you heard about that and sent it off.

One more thing - no need to tell us what it's about before you start. It should all be apparent from the sketch, and it is.

I'm with Badge, good premise! I feel like there's room for a lot more humour out of this (or is it homor?) I'll also second B's modern language point. I didn't feel like I was on the Mayflower or witnessing a scene from it. Olde ye up a bit!

But overall, good start!

I like it.
I just wonder wether you need to be a bit stricter with yourself over a couple of things.
Agree with the previous poster - make sure there isn't too much modern language and idiom in there - don't go all Chaucerian on us, but just be aware.
That way the 'Whatever' at the end has more power.
And perhaps clarify the roles.
The first speaker is obviously a leader - he, more than anyone else, wants to turn his back on England.
i think the rest should be a little more ambivalent - they quite liked it, weren't sure about coming in the first place - hence there inability to think of much they'd want to change - apart from a few bits of spelling.
This friction between the leader and the crowd is what leads to his frustration.
(I'm pretty sure this was your intention - but could be made clearer).
And I think you could do with one more silly change - and perhaps trim how long you go on about the trash one.
Overall though it made me laugh - the punch is lovely.

I agree with the rest of them - neat idea, well executed with a coupleo fo dead or uncertain lines, and a slight loss of tone in phrases like "What gives with that?"

For a 1st effort, that's very strong.

Thank you all for the feedback. I was expecting a lot of 'that's not funny' responses but I am pleased you all liked it. I am also grateful of the feedback you've given and I have been told I can add the odd unnecessary line. Also the lack of old time speak is purely down to a lack of research I did, and also that's just how I speak and thought it'd be funnier if people in the olden times spoke like teens today (Armstrong and Miller - RAF sketches)

Again thanks for taking the time to read it and providing feedback and I will try to work on your criticisms.

You could have won the skit-comp this week; the theme was "country". Missed opportunity!

Quote: Dave C @ 4th March 2014, 8:20 PM GMT

Also the lack of old time speak is purely down to a lack of research I did, and also that's just how I speak and thought it'd be funnier if people in the olden times spoke like teens today (Armstrong and Miller - RAF sketches)

View original

In most historical sketches it wouldn't matter about modern dialogue, and might even make things funnier, but I think in this sketch, which is all about the birth of US English, it dilutes the effect if random anachronistic phrases are just floating about.

As Shirl says, why not join the Skit Comp next week, we're alwasy looking for more players.

How about a third example besides trash and colour - something like ass, that's always good for a laugh.

The concept was good but it was nonsensical. nothing funny about changing bin to trash

Quote: JessGreek @ 9th March 2014, 1:35 PM GMT

nothing funny about changing bin to trash

View original

That's why it's funny.

Nice idea, just needs tweaked.

Liked the punchline and it's a fun sketch, but must admit that it was sort of ruined for me by knowing that they didn't chose to start a new language and that many Americanisms are as they are as they stem from the British English spellings and vocabulary from the time of the Pilgrim Fathers...

Yeah - most people either wouldn't know that or wouldn't let it ruin the sketch for them, but it was a near-OCD niggle in the back of my mind.

But a good sketch, especially for a new writer - look forward to your next one.

Again thanks for the responses and feedback. I agree that it would probably need a bit of tweaking and changing a few sentances to make it better. And Dave (I hope I can call you Dave) I apologse for the historical inaccuracies but it was just my interpretation on how and why the Americans felt like they needed to change the language ever so slightly.