A CAR COMES TO A HALT AT THE TOP OF A LONG, GRASS TRACK, RUNNING ALONGSIDE A WOODED AREA, OFF A QUIET COUNTRY LANE
INT. THE CAR - A MAN AND A WOMAN, BOTH IN THEIR MID-FORTIES
NORMAN
OK, Betty. It's time for you to put on your camouflage scarf.
BETTY
I don't like it. I think it looks silly.
NORMAN
How do you know? You haven't even tried it on.
BETTY
I don't need to. Look at it. (WAVES THE SCARF AT HIM) It's silly. Frankly, I wouldn't be seen dead in it.
NORMAN
It doesn't matter how silly it looks. We're in the countryside. The back of beyond. The worst that can happen is we'll meet some furtive, bushy-browed, hairy-eared country hermit who'll mistake you for the Queen and toss you a dead pheasant. But more importantly, Betty, much more importantly - you'll be safe from the eagles.
BETTY
What are you talking about?
NORMAN
Eagles, Betty. Majestic but deadly birds of prey that silently swoop down and carry off uncamouflaged women for use as nesting material.
BETTY
I didn't know that. Why haven't I heard anything about that?
NORMAN
If you spent more time browsing the masterfully crafted ads on eBay and less time with your head stuck in books you'd be better informed about all manner of things.
BETTY
I'm still not wearing it. In fact, I probably won't even get out of the car.
NORMAN
Sometimes I think you do these things just to annoy me.
BETTY
What things?
NORMAN
These things. Annoying things. All I'm asking is that you wear it once, out in the open - where you'll be at risk from eagles. Then, regardless of how it turns out, I'll at least have some meaningful feedback for the seller.
BETTY
I'm not going to wear it. And please stop looking so disappointed.
NORMAN
I am disappointed. I'm very disappointed. I've invested a lot of emotional energy into this outing.
BETTY
It's only a silly scarf, Norman. Get over it.
NORMAN
I'm not talking about the scarf. I'm talking about Hammy. I wanted this outing to serve as a tribute to Hammy. Hammy would have loved the countryside. But little Hammy never even saw grass, or ate grass, or even knew it existed.
BETTY
That's terrible. Who was Hammy?
NORMAN
My horse. When I was a child.
BETTY
You had a horse called Hammy when you were a child?
NORMAN
You sound inordinately surprised to learn that I had a horse when I was a child?
BETTY
No. It's more a case of my being inordinately surprised to learn that you had a horse called Hammy. Hammy strikes me as an inordinately unusual name for a horse.
NORMAN
Unusual, yes, but also inordinately relevant, because Hammy was a very unusual horse. I was particularly captivated by the unusually cute way he stuffed his little pouches full of sunflower seeds.
BETTY
That is unusual.
NORMAN
Yes. It was unusual. But not sad. The sadness came later, when I realised that I would never be able to ride him.
BETTY
Can I ask why? Or should I just quietly reach my own conclusions?
NORMAN
Poor little Hammy only had three legs, you see. He started out with four, but lost one while still a foal, while galloping over-enthusiastically on his little wheel. Sadly, the accident severely stunted his growth and I couldn't obtain a saddle small enough to fit him.
BETTY
Can we go home now, Norman? I'm getting cold.
NORMAN
Allow me a brief moment to reflect, please, Betty. Hammy would have loved it here. Look at the splendid straightness of that track. What little horse could resist galloping up it? "Go on Hammy", I'd say. "Run free".
FX - A HORSE CLIP CLOPPING
BETTY
I can hear a horse clip clopping.
NORMAN
Betty. Do you mind. Since you've shown yourself to be so unreasonably intransigent with regard to wearing the camouflage scarf, I think I can be entirely justified in asking you to please stay out of my reverie. And for your information, that clip clopping didn't sound anything like my Hammy.
BETTY
Of course it didn't.
NORMAN
No. Hammy's gait was distinctively uneven - on account of his three legs. It was more--
FX - CLIP CLOP (BEAT) CLOP
NORMAN (CONT'D)
Yes ... that's it. Precisely. Bang on. Clip, Clop, then miss the Clip, and finally Clop.
BETTY
Norman? There's a man--
NORMAN
Hammy would rear up on his hind leg and reach out with his two little front feet and I'd give him a sunflower seed and then another one. But there always came the time when I'd have to say "I'm sorry Hammy, I haven't got another one. But I can get you some more tomorrow".
BETTY
Norman. There's a man waiting--
NORMAN
And then he'd turn his back and ignore me until I turned up with more seeds. (HE SIGHS) You know, on reflection, I'd have to say that Hammy was always more fond of the sunflower seeds than he was of me. Horses can be so unloving.
BETTY
Norman? Please? We're blocking the track. (TURNS AND POINTS TO THE REAR WINDOW) There's a man waiting to come up here with his horse-drawn carriage.
NORMAN (TURNS ROUND AND SEES THE HORSE'S NOSE AND FLARED NOSTRILS PRESSED AGAINST THE REAR WINDOW)
Aaagh! Eagle! Give me that! (HE GRABS THE SCARF AND QUICKLY HOLDS IT IN PLACE ON HIS HEAD) Well? Is it working? Am I invisible?
BETTY
You're not invisible.
END
