First attempt at any sort of stand up

This was written in a 2 hour burst tonight. Don't expect the best grammar, its more of a stream of conciousness and is my first 'attempt' at any sort of 'stand-up' writing...

So I've got 5 minutes on stage with you tonight. This is my first time, I just hope it doesn't go as bad as my other first time, but the signs are looking good. I've already been doing this for 30 seconds and I haven't climaxed yet. Or started sobbing uncontrollably. Yet. But I'm quite nervous because people have told me that I stand weird or I stand awkward. I mean look at me now, I'm sure you'd agree I look awkward but what you people don't understand is this is just how I stand when I've defecated in my pants.

I suppose there's one thing you should know about me is that I have a massive ego. I actually think that if I went on Jim'll fix it I would have escaped. So you can imagine the crushing blow it was when my friend said to me "I think you should do stand-up". And my ego needed satisfying so I went fishing for a compliment, "oh I don't think I'm funny enough for stand-up" and I was expecting the response to be "Of course you are, you have me in stiches every second, of every minute of every hour!" but no. His response was "Don't worry, there's lots of unfunny comedians, you'll just be another of them". Such a striking vote of confidence!

So that's why I'm here. My ego went fishing for compliments and got slapped by a mackerel. I hate that expression by the way, fishing for compliments. Usually people fish for compliments on Facebook, like girls will upload a picture, the most perfect picture in the world with the tag 'LOL so ugly' which usually cues a load of comments saying 'Omg you're beautiful etc." and I'm there thinking No, enough is enough. So I was blind drunk one day, yes day, no I don't have a problem, and I found this picture, "I'm not going to give you a compliment just because you've called yourself ugly, you're right, you look atrocious and you will probably die alone you fat bitch". And ladies and gentleman, my mum hasn't spoken to me since.

Another phrase I find quite baffling is "he died doing what he loved" as if that's any sort of consolation and let's not forget some people love weird and slightly different things. You wouldn't get this at a funeral would you: "But at least he died doing what he loved... Heroin" "Here he lies forever after dying in a plane crash but at least he died doing what he loved, bringing Jihad to the infidels" , "my best friend died doing what he loved, my girlfriend", "Here lay Peter who died in car crash, but at least he died doing what he loved, giving a hand job to Father Peter". "At least he died doing what he loved, auto-asphyxiation"

People do find things sexy or erotic that other people just find baffling. I'm not talking about feet or anything like that. But in 2007, there was a wedding in America where a former 37 year old soldier called Erika got married... to the Eiffel Tower. Ooh la la. I'm was thinking, actually hoping that this is a marriage that was never consummated. But no! She went to France and actually sat on a portion of the Eiffel tower so it was consummated. I know there's some weird fetishes crawling around on the internet but this is one that confuses me but also makes me quite sad. It kind of raises more questions than answers the longer you think about it really. Her friends must be shitting themselves when they go on holiday to France. I mean, do you tell Erika how many people have been inside the tower in the short time they've stayed in Paris? Does Erika get jealous of people posing with the Tower? How does she handle it? In fact, if she gets bored of the Tower who does she cheat with? Did they meet through a lonely hearts advert? If so, what did Erika write? "Lonely woman seeking something that is tall, stable, glamorous, evidently not going anywhere in a hurry, and the ability to stay erect for a long time?. This news didnt provoke much of a reaction until Erika revealed that see the Eiffel Tower as a man at all; she thinks of the 324m erection as female and considers herself in a lesbian relationship, which one newspaper called 'perverse'. There you go Ladies and Gentleman, in America its more acceptable to be married to the Portland Building than be in a lesbian relationship!

To be honest, its very bad, I can't find very much constructive to say about it, I would suggest if your going to submit any more work you try and find a way of recording it, even if its locked in your room with your smartphone on the other side (please remember to record in landscape mode, nothing more annoying than someone who doesn't even know which why up to hold a phone when recording!),I say record it just because delivery can help with stand up and sometimes its better live than on paper, although I doubt this would be the case this time.
Your material is to thin and not funny, the comment about your mum could have been if the context and the story was better. never talk about jimll fix it!!!!! the shitting you pants was to obvious and not funny, the whole thing needs rethinking.

Sorry.

Sorry not humerous? a pondering on lifes weirder aspects?-factual- deplete of humour, or witty sarcasm?....

I didn't think it was that bad. Hard to judge stand up on the page though. There were a couple of bits in there I thought were funny. The Mum bit (although a bit obvious) and the "heroine" line. So I reckon if you did that stream of consciousness a few more times you might get 5 minutes out of it. Best of luck.

Ok can I be the one to say it, verbatim standup routines never, ever work.
You can write stories, jokes, little vingettes but if you're writing standup as you think you might perform it.
Then you're like a fat, bald bloke in a pub describing how you'd score 3 goals against Manchester or knock out Klitschco in the third round.
Standup is an organic beast, every gig different for every audience.
And writing in every so and um, is fetishising the imperfection. Like taking heroin to play more like Hendrix.

Otters by all means write this as a series of observations someone could weave into a routine.

Currently it reads like a ballet, about a sculpture that was about a play.

Soots is right.
Film yourself doing it.
There's stuff in there that, if delivered with panache, could raise a chuckle.
Keep at it.

I'm not going to go into a detailed critique for the reasons people have already given (i.e. it's often in the delivery) but I would say there's a lot in here which is about doing comedy, which is a bit of a bugbear of mine.

The only people who like comedy about comedy are the people doing comedy (and comedy critics).

The only other thing I would say is print that set out then go through it with a highlighter pen marking where you think the audience will laugh. If there are big gaps between the fluorescent marker bits then you need to put more "jokes" in there (and when I say "jokes" I mean things that will make people laugh even if they are not technically jokes e.g. a witty turn of phrase or even a mannerism or "act out").

Good luck with it though, no one is great first time out, try to enjoy yourself and be confident, that's half the battle.

Quote: Tony Cowards @ 3rd March 2014, 2:43 PM GMT

I'm not going to go into a detailed critique for the reasons people have already given (i.e. it's often in the delivery) but I would say there's a lot in here which is about doing comedy, which is a bit of a bugbear of mine.

The only people who like comedy about comedy are the people doing comedy (and comedy critics).

The only other thing I would say is print that set out then go through it with a highlighter pen marking where you think the audience will laugh. If there are big gaps between the fluorescent marker bits then you need to put more "jokes" in there (and when I say "jokes" I mean things that will make people laugh even if they are not technically jokes e.g. a witty turn of phrase or even a mannerism or "act out").

Good luck with it though, no one is great first time out, try to enjoy yourself and be confident, that's half the battle.

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I totally agree, although your more likely to get blood from a stone than get a compliment from Sootyj we also have to understand he knows comedy better than most of us! So I hope you can take what everyone has said! turn it around and make something better, please don't take it to hart or stop, just try again! we all get it wrong a lot more than we get it write! (the spelling mistake was intentional!)

Here lay Peter who died in car crash, but at least he died doing what he loved, giving a hand job to Father Peter.

This joke peters out.

I liked it. I thought the pacing was fine. I don't think the final bit about the tower wedding was strong enough, particularly to finish on, but if I were in the audience I'd have been laughing fairly consistently up until then.

Thought the Facebook part and the died doing what he love bit could both really work, the seeds of two very good ideas. It seemed to fade towards the end so I'd probably look to change that, but you have got something to work with there. Good luck with it.

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ 4th March 2014, 12:06 AM GMT

more likely to get blood from a stone

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You can't get blood from a stone, but if you're Miley Cyrus you can get jizz from a sledgehammer.
This is classic first-timer in my opinion i.e. there are plenty of ideas but they need focussing. Like the Facebook and 'died doing what he loved' plus the Eiffel Tower, but they need extensive sharpening / punching up. The 'mother' line was bound to get a groan from comedy writers cos it's formula, but could get a huge laugh from punters if it's quicker and less obvious. Give it a once-over, Sir.

If I had to pick one thing in this entire set to focus on, it would be the "died doing what you love" bit. You're bound to get quite a few decent one liners from that.

Defecating in your pants might not be the best thing to introduce yourself with. I just feel like there are certain jokes you should avoid until the audience gets to know you a little better, but that's just me and others might disagree. Even Jimmy Carr didn't start right off with rape jokes.

Beyond that, it's really hard to imagine what will or will not get laughs from an audience based on text. It's like how you can't always tell when someone is being sarcastic in a chat room unless there's an emoticon or some other context spelling it out for you. I can write out Macbeth's monologue, but no one can honestly tell me how well I delivered it unless I'm actually performing.

I totally agree, although your more likely to get blood from a stone than get a compliment from Sootyj

Damn. That makes me feel special.

For the record does "sitting down telling jokes" count as any sort of stand up?

Hey I'm very praising of good stuff.

There's just a lot of crap writers. Of which Otters isn't one, but this never works.

Not ever.