Why thank you.
Tell us a joke Page 22
Why shouldnt you share a joint with an Operation Yewtree copper
Because they can't hold onto the roach.
I sent Bill Roache a nice bottle of Glenlivet, after I heard him say he fancied celebrating with a 12 year old...
A talent scout for Liverpool Football Club hears about this young Iraqi lad who according to rumours is the most naturally talented football player anyone has ever seen.
Keen to see this lad for himself, he boards the first available plane to Iraq.
On arrival the scout is so impressed with this young lad he signs him on the spot.
The lad has only been in England a few days when Liverpool have their first important match of the season. The Manager explains that he will be on the bench as a reserve but might get a chance to play later in the match.
Well at half time Liverpool are losing 2-0 and nothing is going right for them, with only 25 minutes to go the manager substitutes their main striker for the new lad, Keen to make a good first impression the lad scores his first goal after only 5 minutes.
The crowd go wild and everybody is amazed at the young lads talent.
Then after another 10 minutes the lad scores again to equalize, everybody is cheering and clapping their new player and he is having the day of his life.
With only 60 seconds left on the clock and just as it looks like the game will be a draw the young lad takes the ball and shoots from the halfway line catching the goalkeeper by surprise and landing the ball in the back of the net.
The Ref. blows the final whistle and the crowd are clapping and cheering, his team mates are all congratulating him and the manager tells him he is being promoted to the main team striker.
Overwhelmed with emotion he can't wait to tell his Iraqi parents how his debut day went, he phones home and tells his mother how he scored a hat trick, how the fans love him, how the team love him, and how the manager loves him.
"So you had a good day playing football did you?" his mother says " well good for you, but let me tell you how today has been for your family you seem to have forgotten about! Your brother has got in with a bad gang and is now wanted by the authorities for gang violence, Your father was shot on the street outside by some thugs just for being there, And me and your sister where attacked on the way home from the market, and after being assaulted the thugs run away with our shopping whilst the locals all just watched and did nothing, Oh! but you had a nice day playing football, well maybe you should spare a thought for how tough it is for your family!"
The young lad is saddened by the news, "Mum, I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry this has happened, I feel terrible,", " Oh, your sorry" his mother says, "Mum it's not my fault this happened to you!" he says defensively, "Not your fault"! Screams his mother "Not your fault! Remember, you where the one that made us all to move to Liverpool!!!!!!!!!!!!"
why bother posting such an old joke it's not even a good variant
Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ 8th February 2014, 2:43 PM GMTA talent scout for Liverpool Football Club hears about this young Iraqi lad who according to rumours is the most naturally talented football player anyone has ever seen.
Keen to see this lad for himself, he boards the first available plane to Iraq.
On arrival the scout is so impressed with this young lad he signs him on the spot.
The lad has only been in England a few days when Liverpool have their first important match of the season. The Manager explains that he will be on the bench as a reserve but might get a chance to play later in the match.
Well at half time Liverpool are losing 2-0 and nothing is going right for them, with only 25 minutes to go the manager substitutes their main striker for the new lad, Keen to make a good first impression the lad scores his first goal after only 5 minutes.
The crowd go wild and everybody is amazed at the young lads talent.
Then after another 10 minutes the lad scores again to equalize, everybody is cheering and clapping their new player and he is having the day of his life.
With only 60 seconds left on the clock and just as it looks like the game will be a draw the young lad takes the ball and shoots from the halfway line catching the goalkeeper by surprise and landing the ball in the back of the net.
The Ref. blows the final whistle and the crowd are clapping and cheering, his team mates are all congratulating him and the manager tells him he is being promoted to the main team striker.
Overwhelmed with emotion he can't wait to tell his Iraqi parents how his debut day went, he phones home and tells his mother how he scored a hat trick, how the fans love him, how the team love him, and how the manager loves him.
"So you had a good day playing football did you?" his mother says " well good for you, but let me tell you how today has been for your family you seem to have forgotten about! Your brother has got in with a bad gang and is now wanted by the authorities for gang violence, Your father was shot on the street outside by some thugs just for being there, And me and your sister where attacked on the way home from the market, and after being assaulted the thugs run away with our shopping whilst the locals all just watched and did nothing, Oh! but you had a nice day playing football, well maybe you should spare a thought for how tough it is for your family!"
The young lad is saddened by the news, "Mum, I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry this has happened, I feel terrible,", " Oh, your sorry" his mother says, "Mum it's not my fault this happened to you!" he says defensively, "Not your fault"! Screams his mother "Not your fault! Remember, you where the one that made us all to move to Liverpool!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That's older than me mate. I thought this section was for jokes people have written themselves.
Your a cock Nick!
Sorry bet you've heard that one before as well!!!! lol
For what reason?
Because I've asked why you're copying and pasting jokes?
No need for abuse when even Sooty pointed out that a) it's an old joke and b) not even yours.
I think this version which is on display written on papyrus in the British library might actually be a copy of an earlier Sumerian story.
A talent scout for The School of Gladi Ludus Magnusators hears about this young lad from Britannia who according to rumours is the most naturally talented trident chucker anyone has ever seen. Keen to see this lad for himself, he boards the first available cart to Camulodunum. On arrival 4 months later the scout is so impressed with this young lad he signs him on the spot.
The lad has only been in Rome a few days when Gladi Ludus have their first important tournament of the season. The Manager explains that he will be on the bench as a reserve but might get a chance to fight later in the games.
Well at half time they are losing and nothing is going right for them, with only 25 minutes to go the lanista substitutes their main retiarius for the new lad, Keen to make a good first impression the lad kills his first opponant after only 5 minutes.
The crowd go wild and everybody is amazed at the young lads talent.
Then after another 10 minutes the lad kills a lion to equalize, everybody is cheering and clapping their new retiarius and he is having the day of his life.
With only 60 seconds left on the candle and just as it looks like the tournament will be a draw the young lad throws his trident over 30 cubits taking out two Christians at once.
The final horn is blown and the crowd are clapping and cheering, his fellow gladiators are all congratulating him and the lanista tells him he is being promoted to lead retiarius.
Overwhelmed with emotion he can't wait to tell his Britannic parents how his debut day went, he sends a message home and tells his mother how he absolutely killed them, how the fans love him, how the team love him, and how the lanistra loves him.
"So you had a good day slaughtering did you?" his mother messages him back "Well good for you, but let me tell you how today has been for your family you seem to have forgotten about! Your brother has got in with a bad gang and is now wanted by the authorities for gang violence, Your father was clubbed on the street outside by some thugs just for being there, And me and your sister where attacked on the way home from the market, and after being assaulted the thugs run away with our shopping whilst the locals all just watched and did nothing, Oh! but you had a nice day slaughtering, well maybe you should spare a thought for how tough it is for your family!"
The young lad is saddened by the news and messages back "Mum, I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry this has happened, I feel terrible,", " Oh, your sorry" his mother messages, "Mum it's not my fault this happened to you!" he messages defensively, "Not your fault"! Screams his mother (by messenger) "Not your fault! Remember, you where the one that made us all to move to Rome!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That is a wonderfully mad effort very funny
Hear, hear 
Hear about the priest with two penises? Puts the willies up choirboys.
I'm just surprised that Copenhagen Zoo didn't release the giraffe into the New Forest so Prince Phillip could hunt it.
I admire Prince Phil's bravery in taking part in a wild boar hunt, he must have been target number one.
Visitors to Longleat are advised to steer clear of the "steak" pie for a while, although the Lion Bars in the shop are believed to be ok.