1: Thanks so much for answering our calls. I think we've truly created a high-class, personable hotel here, but we just can't balance the books. To be honest, your consultation might be a bit of a life saver.
2: Tish tish, it's my job to offer advice to the catering and service industry - and I must say I found your case quite intriguing. So, I've had a good look around, and I think there are lots of very impressive facets to the residential experience you offer.
1: I'm gratified to hear it.
2: Yes, there's a real air of quality about the place: mirrors on the ceiling, all that stuff. A bit chintzy, perhaps, a bit retro, but that brand of glamorous luxury never goes out of style.
1: We aim to balance panache with decadence, here at The Hotel California!
2: Lovely. But, there are a few areas in which the odd tweak might improve business. For example, there's the wine.
1: Oh, do you think so?
2: Yes. It is really really unusual for a hotel not to serve wine. And you've not served it for quite some time, I understand.
1: We don't have that spirit here.
2: Well, first up, it's not a spirit. This is pretty elementary stuff, I'm surprised you've not picked it up during your time in the trade. And secondly, champagne *is* actually a type of wine, and you have gallons of that.
1: Pink champagne.
2: Yes.
1: On ice!
2: On ice, quite. My first advice is to employ a new bar manager and/or sommelier. And, on a similar topic, the dining. I was present for Sunday lunch. Now, much as I admire the tradition of the Sunday roast, was it really necessary to let the guests slaughter an Aberdeen Angus in the dining room?
1: I just thought it was the next logical step from tableside flambes.
2: But you gave all the guests knives!
1: Steely knives.
2: I don't care what they were made of! Metallurgy is a moot point after you've filled the public with free mojitos and let them stab a heifer! The cleaning bill was gigantic, the meal was three hours late, and one customer lost a toe.
1: Alright, I'll consider reducing the stabbing.
2: Very wise. And finally, why, pray tell, is a 450 room hotel only one twelfth full.
1: Oh, well, we have to save the other rooms, in case the guests come back.
2: What are you talking about?
1: It's our motto - you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!
2: That's insane.
1: We're programmed to receive! Another motto.
2: That just sounds stupid - like an android gang bang. If you want to make money, stop this idiotic policy.
1: We can't possibly do that, it's the soul of the hotel. It would be like taking the Singapore Sling out of Raffles, or the cheese biscuits out of The Ritz.
2: In which case, I regret I cannot help you any further. I bid you good day; my invoice shall be in the post.
1: Oh, I don't think so.
2: What?
1: I'm sorry, Miss, but you can't leave. You can *never* leave.
2: What...what do you have there?
1: This? Oh, this is just my steely knife, Miss Portas. [Cackles]
2: [Screams to fade]
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