I thought I'd give this critique thing a go. Here is one of my submissions for 2525. Enjoy.
A cold war is brewing between the largest planet and "smallest planet". Lead by two equal goons, tension and chaos is amplified. Their assistants are the only people on either side capable of making the decisions.
INTRO V.O: After centuries of searching, it turns out Jupiter and Pluto had life on them after all, well who knew? For the past 200 years tensions have mounted between the two planets and today the cold war reached fever pitch.
FX: Ominous music - (Pluto)
Zod (Squeaky High Pitch Voice A): General Zin, wake up. A Jupiter surveillance ship is orbiting around us as we speak
Zin: (Squeaky High Pitch Voice B): That is It, I'm pressing the doomsday button today Zod If you like it or not. I've had enough.
Zod: That's the spirit sir
Zin: Bring me the button! And some jam on toast, while I get my bearings
FX: Ominous Music (Jupiter)
Pin (Low Deep and menacing tone A): Our surveillance ship has gathered Intel on Pluto Admiral Pod; it appears Pluto are finally mounting an attack on Jupiter.
FX: ZUMBA MUSIC
Pod: (Low Deep and menacing tone B): Captain Pin, I am trying to do my Zumba can't this wait until after my 11 o clock brunch with the Supreme Chancellor of Earth, Aled Jones' Head.
Pin: I'm afraid it can't Sir, its serious this time General Zin has ordered Captain Zod to... get the button. I think he means it; he's going to press it.
Pod: Aww but Pin! I don't want to attack them they are so small and cute, I want to go to my meeting with Supreme chancellor Jones it's more important, he's bringing his moon boots and we're going walking in the air first and building space snowmen after lunch.
Pin: Admiral Pod Podrell the Third of Jupiter, get your normal boots on and your uniform and stop the Zumba. Meet the council on the bridge, General Zin is about to press the button on his device and you are the only one who can stop him.
Pod: Don't Say device you make it sound kinky.
FX: Ominous music (Pluto)
Zod: Here you are sir
Zin: Thank you Zod, it's time to teach all these planets a lesson, you don't declassify Pluto to a dwarf planet and get away with it.
FX: Loud Button press
FX: Zumba music
Zin: What is this; you have brought me the button for the stereo
Zod: Sorry Admiral, maybe it's a sign we shouldn't attack today
Zin: Maybe you're right, pass me the phone, I'm going to ring Aled and see if he will lend me his moon boots. He's just a floating head in a jar, what use has he got for them?
Zod: Here you go, sir.
Zin: Zod this isn't the phone, it's Jam on toast, and it's an hour late.
FX: Ominous music (Jupiter)
Pod: See Captain Pin it pays to have a brother working for the other side
Pin: Yes sir, I believe it does.
FX: GUNSHOT
FX: ZUMBA MUSIC TO FADE.
END.
