Skit Comp 22 - 29.1.14

Thanks for another awesome skitcomp and congratulations to GAPPY for winning. Please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject for next wank.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
5 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Playfull

Your new subject: MAFIA (chosen by Playfull).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Scooby Doo.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 29.1.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 31 - Stonked
2 - 26 - Gappy
3 - 25 - Playfull
4 - 20 - Jakob Jensen, Tursiops
5 - 12 - Otterfox
6 - 11 - Carlos Manwelly
7 - 5 - Sootyj, Stephen Goodlad, Mr Sunshine
7 - 1 - Charleywolf

So Marlon Brando
Is only in the first one.
How weird is that?

Never try leaving a mafia pool party without telling anybody.

Every time you think you're out of it, they'll pull you back in.

BONASERA: I stood in the courtroom like a fool, and those two bastards, they smiled at me. Then I said to my wife, "For justice, we must go to Don Corleone. Justice for our poor, battered daughter"

DON: We've known each other many years, but this is the first time you ever came to me for counsel or for help. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife is godmother to your only child. You should come to me in friendship.

BONASERA: I apologise. Godfather. [Kisses DON's hand]

DON: Good. I shall help you. Consider it a gift, on this, the day my daughter is to be married. What would you have me do?

BONASERA: Give me your daughter.

DON: Is this a jest, Bonasera?

BONASERA: We don't have a daughter - or, at least, not one that's nice to look at - so I sort of thought we could have yours. That's justice.

DON: That is not justice.

BONASERA: Sure it is - I lost a daughter, so I want another one: can't get justicer than that. And, anyway, today you're gaining a son, so far as I understand it, so overall you'll still be quids in. Wait, dollars, I meant. As we're American.

DON: You walk on thin ice, Bonasera.

BONASERA: Or, alright, not have have. You could just give us a loan of her. Like, every second Wednesday.

DON: I will not entertain this travesty.

BONASERA: But you did just promise, Godfather. Consider it a gift, you said. Not much of a gift if you try to take it back half way through. That's a rubbish gift. I'd rather have vouchers.

DON: No, but...look, I might have said that, but I didn't exactly mean -

BONASERA: You don't want to look dishonourable, do you? You don't want all the other Godfathers saying, "Ooh, that Corleone, wouldn't know honour if it bit him in the tagliatelle", do you? Think about it, Godfather, the most important thing: honour! That's honour without a U, obviously, as we're American. You believe in honour, right?

DON: Yeah, sure I do but -

BONASERA: There you go, then. Give us a go on your daughter and we'll be golden. I mean in a nice paternal way, not like...she's a married woman, for Christ's sake. Nearly. And, tell you what, in return I'll let you be my friend, seeing as you're obviously so desperate for it. I'll invite you round for like, loads of coffee.

DON: Well, that does seem quite, err, reasonable.

BONASERA: Sure it does, old son. I'll pick her up on Wednesday, make sure she's ready. Oh, and chuck a crate of Lambrini in as well, eh, be a pal. See you, then, Goddy.

[Exit BONASERA]

DON: I tell you what, Mario, I didn't know these so-called wedding presents were so intense.

MARIO: Yeah, I know, boss; It's a pain in the arse.

[DON turns and shoots MARIO]

DON: You mean ass. After all, we are in America.

DON

OI! I'm the boss of this smelly little outfit, understand!?

HENCHMAN

Yes, don cologne.

[Young couple walking through the woods walk into an unusual clearing straight into a group of Cub scouts, three step forward- Frankie, Woggles and Badges.]

Man: Oh hey! What are you lot up to then?

Woman: How adorable!

Frankie: Nuthin Mr , just er................

Woggles: Road safety!

Frankie: Yeah er Road safety, in the...er...woods. [gives Woggles a stare]

Badges: [in Frankie's ear] You need me to wack 'em boss?

Woman: Wack?

Woggles: Quack!

Frankie looks over to Woggles: quack?

Woggles: That works? Ducks ?

[everyone mumbles and nods in agreement for a second]

Man: Is that a young Beaver over there, I didn't know they trained with cubs?

Woman: He looks like he's sewing

Frankie: So?

Man: He's tied up?

Frankie: He likes to keep a busy schedule!

Man: No I mean he's tied to that table with all the badges on!

Badges: He's practicing knots, You ever seen a noose Mr?

Woman: Noose?

Woggles: Moose!!!

[Everyone looks at Woggles]

Woggles: erm, Chocolate.....?

Woman: That poor beaver looks exhausted,

Frankie: Funny, that's what the boss keeps saying about Miss Finnican the head Beaver, So that's what it means, tired.

[the cubs shrug]

Man: er what 'Boss' anyway? Where's your adult gone? Wacked him have you?

Frankie: Arkela, the cub leader. He's off taking care of the Beaver business with Misses Finnican at scout hall, but don't worry he'll be back before you can say 'Don Roberto Baden-Powellini' and we need to have this er 'merchandise' ready to go.

Man: I've heard of angry woodland badgers before but this takes the home-baked brownie! What kind of scam is this, why does he have to sew?

Frankie: 'Because I say Sew' , Is the name of this particular scheme, you may have heard of it. And WE are the Dyb dyb dyb, dob dob Mob.

Badges: Not to be confused with the Ging gooley gang, those good for nuthin poo heads!

Frankie: You kiss your mother with that mouth Badges? There are ladies present!

[woggles giggles coyly]

Frankie: NOT..YOU..Woggles! We really need to talk about this..... another time.

[turns back to couple] So we were thinkin' maybe yous two's grownups are gonna help us get these badges ready for shipment, erm parade, I mean?

Woman: What? We're not getting involved in this, crazy cub cartel, I refuse to take orders from someone who still needs Velcro shoe-straps and could do with a good comb!

Man: yeah what you gonna do? Bake us a dangerous flapjack? Help me across the road..... poorly? ha ha ha!

[Frankie looks angry and shakes head]

Frankie: ok, you wanna play rough........? SAY HELLO TO MY LIL FRIEND!

[Frankie pulls out a mouse, Woman shrieks]

[Badges pulls out a spider, Man shrieks]

[Woggles pulls out a hanky, Woggles shrieks, everyone looks at Woggles]

Woggles: What? I thought it was a ghost!

Man: Look I'll do anything you say! Just don't put the spider on me!

Woman: Mice make me faint! I can sew!

[Cut to disheveled looking man and woman sewing badges next to a happy Beaver who no longer has to do the sewing]

Woman: Next time I suggest a healthy walk just remind me Bake-off is on telly!

Man: Shhh, don't let them hear you. I still want to get my outdoor activity badge and if I'm lucky I'll get the sewing badge and do they still do the tea-making badge? I can make tea! I just need to find a kettle!

Godfather 3 is actually pretty good...

SEVERALSHADOWY FIGURES ARE SEATED AROUND A TABLE IN A DIMLY LIT ROOM.

ITALIAN: I call to order this extraordinary meeting of the Mafia high council.

AMERICAN: Eyyyy About frickin time. Badaboom Badabing!

MEXICAN: Why have we been summoned here? I am sure we all have 'business' to attend to at home.

ITALIAN: You are right of course Patron. But this meeting has been requested by the member to my left. His organisation is questioning the right of the ancient Sicilian chapter, which I of course represent, to continue as the head of the family of families.

THERE ARE GASPS OF DISBELIEF AROUND THE TABLE AND MUTTERINGS OF 'SHAME'.

AMERICAN: Dis is an outrage, our Sicilian cousins founded our honourable brotherhood and the Cosa Nostra has always sat at the head of the table. Capish!

MEXICAN: I agree with my stereotypical Italian American Mafia cousin. This arrangement has always worked well for all of us. Who is it that dares to challenge the accepted order?

THE FIGURE NEXT TO THE ITALIAN IS SITTING BACK AND IS IN SHADOW. SLOWLY HE MOVES FORWARD AND LEANS ON THE TABLE. WE SEE HE IS DRESSED AS A CARDINAL.

MEXICAN: I didn't expect the Spanish inquisition...

ITALIAN: The Cardinal is here as representative of our cousins the Holy See.

JAPANESE: The Holy who?

AMERICAN: The Catholics, Bada Bing...

RUSSIAN: (MENACINGLY) And why do the Holy See think the Sicilians are no longer suitable to lead us?

JAPANESE: (BANGS FIST ON TABLE) We the Yakusa agree with the Russian Mafia. Where is your evidence that our Sicilians cousins are no longer fit to sit at our head?

CARDINAL: Berlusconi.

JAPANESE: Fair Enough.

EVERYONE AROUND THE TABLE MURMRURS AGREEMENT

ITALIAN: Be warned brothers these are treacherous and unchartered waters we enter now. Never before has the Sicilian supremacy at the head of the families been questioned. But as our American friend might say 'It is what it is'. We now need to choose quickly a new family to lead us all peacefully into a new and profitable era, or risk a lifetime of warring and bloodshed that will destroy everything we have built.

RUSSIAN: We of the Russian Mafia should lead. With our power base in beautiful mother Russia we are strong, rich and...

AMERICAN: And all living abroad! How can you control your Russian business from the football boardrooms of the UK? Let alone control the Mafia high council.

MEXICAN: I agree. That is why we of Mexico's La Eme should head...

JAPANESE: Head? If La Eme get their way we would all lose our heads. We of the ancient order of the Yakusa are the...

AMERICAN: Are the idiots who tattoo themselves with details of every crime they commit. That must make it real difficult for the police when you are a personal walking confession. Talk about 'Give it a name'.

AFRICAN: If I may, I represent the new families now operating out of Africa. I would just like to say It is a privilege to sit here amongst the representatives of such illustrious and powerful families and that I have an Uncle who has sadly recently died, he was a General in the Ugandan government and has left $126,000,000 in an account which I urgently need to transfer to a third party account. If one of you gentlemen would like to give me your account details...

THE ITALIAN MAKES A SUBTLE HAND GESTURE TOWARD THE AFRICAN WHO IS BODILY LIFTED FROM HIS CHAIR AND SHOUTING PROTESTS, REMOVED BY UNSEEN HANDS. WE HEAR A SHOT.

AMERICAN: As I was about to say, we are the only true successors to our Sicilian cousins we are directly descended from them and have always followed the same code of honour.

CARDINAL: You are weak! You have been hunted down by your FBI until you now only own Vegas and Disney. Do you even know who shot Kennedy?

AMERICAN: No...

THE JAPANESE LOOKS SHIFTY AND LOOKING AT A TATTOO ON HIS ARM DISCRETELY ROLLS HIS SLEEVE DOWN

AMERICAN: And what are the Holy See's claims, such that they might rightfully lead us?

CARDINAL: For two thousand years we have plotted and schemed to build our organisation. We have survived wars, diseases and natural catastrophes. We have placed kings and emperors on thrones and removed them as it suited us. We are the richest organisation on earth and if needed could raise an army of over a billion soldiers of God. Who would dare to deny us?

THERE ARE NOISES OF AGREEMENT AROUND THE TABLE

MAN: (SAT BACK IN SHADOW) And how do you control all this wealth and all these soldiers of God?

CARDINAL: Through our network of Bishops and Priests.

MAN: And who do these Bishops and Priests owe true allegiance too?

CARDINAL: The head of our family, the Holy Roman father.

MAN: I think not. I think you will find they are all ours.

CARDINAL: And who are you?

MAN: The most powerful and influential family of all...'The Gay Mafia'. (HE LEANS FORWARD INTO THE LIGHT AND WE SEE HE IS DRESSED VERY FLAMBOYENTLY A LA QUENTIN CRISP)

CARDINAL: Bugger...

Quote: playfull @ 28th January 2014, 9:23 PM GMT

SEVERALSHADOWY FIGURES ARE SEATED AROUND A TABLE IN A DIMLY LIT ROOM.

ITALIAN: I call to order this extraordinary meeting of the Mafia high council.

AMERICAN: Eyyyy About frickin time. Badaboom Badabing!

MEXICAN: Why have we been summoned here? I am sure we all have 'business' to attend to at home.

ITALIAN: You are right of course Patron. But this meeting has been requested by the member to my left. His organisation is questioning the right of the ancient Sicilian chapter, which I of course represent, to continue as the head of the family of families.

THERE ARE GASPS OF DISBELIEF AROUND THE TABLE AND MUTTERINGS OF 'SHAME'.

AMERICAN: Dis is an outrage, our Sicilian cousins founded our honourable brotherhood and the Cosa Nostra has always sat at the head of the table. Capish!

MEXICAN: I agree with my stereotypical Italian American Mafia cousin. This arrangement has always worked well for all of us. Who is it that dares to challenge the accepted order?

THE FIGURE NEXT TO THE ITALIAN IS SITTING BACK AND IS IN SHADOW. SLOWLY HE MOVES FORWARD AND LEANS ON THE TABLE. WE SEE HE IS DRESSED AS A CARDINAL.

MEXICAN: I didn't expect the Spanish inquisition...

ITALIAN: The Cardinal is here as representative of our cousins the Holy See.

JAPANESE: The Holy who?

AMERICAN: The Catholics, Bada Bing...

RUSSIAN: (MENACINGLY) And why do the Holy See think the Sicilians are no longer suitable to lead us?

JAPANESE: (BANGS FIST ON TABLE) We the Yakusa agree with the Russian Mafia. Where is your evidence that our Sicilians cousins are no longer fit to sit at our head?

CARDINAL: Berlusconi.

JAPANESE: Fair Enough.

EVERYONE AROUND THE TABLE MURMRURS AGREEMENT

ITALIAN: Be warned brothers these are treacherous and unchartered waters we enter now. Never before has the Sicilian supremacy at the head of the families been questioned. But as our American friend might say 'It is what it is'' We now need to choose quickly a new family to lead us all peacefully into a new and profitable era, or risk a lifetime of warring and bloodshed that will risk destroying everything we have built.

RUSSIAN: We of the Russian Mafia should lead. With our power base in beautiful mother Russia we are strong, rich and...

AMERICAN: And all living abroad! How can you control your Russian business from the football boardrooms of the UK? Let alone control the Mafia high council.

MEXICAN: I agree. That is why we of Mexico's La Eme should head...

JAPANESE: Head? If La Eme get their way we would all lose our heads. We of the ancient order of the Yakusa are the...

AMERICAN: Are the idiots who tattoo themselves with details of every crime they commit. That must make it real difficult for the police when you are a personal walking confession. Talk about 'Give it a name'.

AFRICAN: If I may, I represent the new families now operating out of Africa. I would just like to say It is a privilege to sit here amongst the representatives of such illustrious and powerful families and that I have an Uncle who has sadly recently died, he was a General in the Ugandan government and has left $126,000,000 in an account which I urgently need to transfer to a third party account. If one of you gentlemen would like to give me your account details...

THE ITALIAN MAKES A SUBTLE HAND GESTURE TOWARD THE AFRICAN WHO IS BODILY LIFTED FROM HIS CHAIR AND SHOUTING PROTESTS, REMOVED BY UNSEEN HANDS.

AMERICAN: As I was about to say, we are the only true successors to our Sicilian cousins we are directly descended from them and have always followed the same code of honour.

CARDINAL: You are weak! You have been hunted down by your FBI until you now only own Vegas and Disney. Do you even know who shot Kennedy?

AMERICAN: No...

THE JAPANESE LOOKS SHIFTY AND LOOKING AT A TATTOO ON HIS ARM DISCRETELY ROLLS HIS SLEEVE DOWN

AMERICAN: And what are the Holy See's claims, such that they might rightfully lead us?

CARDINAL: For two thousand years we have plotted and schemed to build our organisation. We have survived wars, diseases and natural catastrophes. We have placed kings and emperors on thrones and removed them if it suited us. We are the richest organisation on earth and if needed could raise an army of over a billion soldiers of God. Who would dare to deny us?

THERE ARE NOISES OF AGREEMENT AROUND THE TABLE

MAN: (SAT BACK IN SHADOW) And how do you control all this wealth and all these soldiers of God?

CARDINAL: Through our network of Bishops and Priests.

MAN: And who do these Bishops and Priests owe true allegiance too?

CARDINAL: The head of our family, the Holy Roman father.

MAN: I think not. I think you will find they are all ours.

CARDINAL: And who are you?

MAN: The most powerful and influential family of all...'The Gay Mafia'. (HE LEANS FORWARD INTO THE LIGHT AND WE SEE HE IS DRESSED VERY FLAMBOYENTLY A LA QUENTIN CRISP)

CARDINAL: Bugger...

View original

Nice punch AND topical, nice work

HACKIN'

(tune: 'We Like Trucking', Not The Nine O'Clock News)

We like hacking, we like hacking,
We like hacking and we like to hack.
We like hacking, we like hacking,
If you don't like hacking, tough luck.

On the phone, you're all afraid and silent,
On the phone, 'cos we listen to your wireless,
On the phone, you get taken for a ride,
You've no ruddy place to hide.

The greatest kick in hacking comes from stalking footie strikers,
A Spice Girl or a TV star, don't even have to like 'er,
You're chatting on that mobile phone, I'm sitting by your side,
I said that I don't listen - surprise 'cos I lied.

I like hacking, I like hacking,
I like hacking and I like to hack.
I like hacking, I like hacking,
If you don't like hacking, tough luck.

Perhaps the greatest hack of all, that makes this shite worthwhile,
Is David Beckham and his wife, or that Simon Cowell,
Or Cheryl Cole and Prince William, that naughty little toad,
And when I hear Miley Cyrus, I shoot my little load.

On the phone, you are a poof and tool-less,
And the rumours that you're straight are truthless,
On the phone, we've all gone out of control,
Like Nicki Minaj's hole.

Her behind, Nicki Minaj's massive great behind,
On my mind, tits and assholes on my mind.

We like hacking, we like hacking,
We like hacking and we like to hack.
We like hacking, we like hacking,
If you don't like hacking, you're f**ked.

EXT. REMOTE COUNTRY COTTAGE SET IN EXTENSIVE GROUNDS
A MAN STEPS FROM A JCB DIGGER (JCB) AND KNOCKS AT THE FRONT DOOR
THE DOOR IS OPENED BY THE MAN OF THE HOUSE (MOH)

JCB
Morning. Mafia gardening services. Need any holes dug?

MOH
No thank you.

JCB
You sure? You've got a nice big garden. You must need a hole dug somewhere. How about under that apple tree? Nice secluded little spot. I could easily get three or four in there. Five at a push.

MOH
No. I don't want any holes dug, thank you. Ridiculous idea.

JCB
I'll fill them in again.

MOH
No.

JCB
Tell you what, seeing as you're a new customer, I'll do you five holes for free. Can't be fairer than that.

MOH
I don't want any.

JCB
Alright, I'll pay you.

MOH
You'll pay me?

JCB
Yeah.

MOH
For letting you dig five holes and then fill them in again?

JCB
Yeah.

MOH
How much?

JCB
Hundred quid. Five holes, over there, by the tree.

MOH
I don't want to be left with an unsightly mess. Perhaps some flowers? That would look nice.

JCB
No. Definitely no flowers. Sorry. We don't do flowers.

MOH
How about a little stone border? Or an urn with a vase? Oooh - or - how about a winged cherub - now, that would be nice.

JCB
No. We only ever do unmarked holes. Cherubs and urns are likely to attract unwanted attention. When we do a hole, we like it to merge in, so nobody will ever know that it's there.

MOH
Oh, alright, then. But I'll want payment in advance.

JCB
Fine. Here we go. Five twenties.

MOH
Right. So, er - when will you be coming round?

FX - FIVE SHOTS RING OUT

JCB
I'll get started right away, if that's OK.

END

AL PACINO OPENS HIS FRONT DOOR AND SEES A SCULPTOR PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON A STATUE OF MARIO PUZO.

AL PACINO

Hey - what the hell do you think you are doing?

SCULPTOR

I'm making you an author you can't refuse.

Playfull just ahead of Gappy.

Some really interesting stuff this week. I liked PLayfull's cavalcade of stereotypes, and I enjoyed Danphobic's little scene, but the winner by a hair is Stonked: funny idea that, although it went on a bit too long after I'd fathomed it out, made me chuckle.

Enjoyable reading everyone's this week, though - kind of interesting to have one liners and a haiku to mix it up!

Some nice ones and some that have a lot of work involved, which is great and is also why I feel bad saying Blobster for me, it just made me smile. And I liked Supermanc's though I think it should be in make an unfounded claim...