2525 Crop Rotation

Hi All,

This is my first of two sketches that I sent in. This is my first post, only joined today but been checking out the site for a while now. Here it is, be nice to me cos it's my first go.

Furry 1961

2525 Sketch
CROP ROTATION
by Geoff Matthews
ANNOUNCER
Meanwhile in the Bevis household, 23 Acacia Gardens, bottom of the garden, 25 feet down, in the nuclear fallout shelter hastily constructed by Mr Bevis just before the doubree hit the watsit in 2507, leading to a semi permanent nuclear winter set to last for a thousand years.
Cut to bunker with father sat in chair, son walks in.

BEVIS JR (approx 13 years old)
I'm bored.

MR BEVIS
Very funny, have you done your homework yet?

BEVIS JR
What homework is that then?

MR BEVIS
You know very well what homework I'm referring to. The agricultural crop rotation system homework I gave you yesterday that's what homework.

BEVIS JR
Oh that, I didn't see any point in doing it.

MR BEVIS
Didn't see any point!! How are you going to ever learn anything useful if you can't see the point.

BEVIS JR
What exactly are crops anyway?

MR BEVIS
Food!

BEVIS JR
You mean re-arrange the pills again?

MR BEVIS
Pills, what pills. What are you talking about boy?

BEVIS JR
You know, the protein pills, reds first, then greens, yellows and...

MR BEVIS (cuts in)
Not the provisions boy. Crops, potatoes, carrots... that sort of thing.

BEVIS JR
We've got some tins of potatoes in there somewhere but mum says best not use them cos they've got dents in them.

MR BEVIS
Not tins boy, real crops, growing in the ground crops.

BEVIS JR (puzzled)
The ground is concrete Dad.

MR BEVIS
Good grief, not this ground. I mean real ground, earth, up there ground.

BEVIS JR
Can you grow food from tins?

Mrs Bevis enters from another room carrying a basket.

MR BEVIS
Mavis, can you tell Billy to do his homework?

MRS BEVIS
What homework is that dear?

MR BEVIS (irritated)
The crop rotation homework!!

Billy Bevis sneaks out.

MRS BEVIS
Is there any point dear?

MR BEVIS
What do you mean?

MRS BEVIS
Well, you know, he's not exactly going to get any hands on experience down here is he?

MR BEVIS
That is not the point. He'll need to know won't he (hushed tone) to pass it on... down the line.

MRS BEVIS
Arthur, for goodness sake try to get some perspective dear. We've been down here for 17 years now and have got on quite well without crops rotating haven't we?

MR BEVIS
Rotation!

MRS BEVIS
Rotating, rotation, what's the difference. Anyway I'm just popping next door to check on Mrs Willis.

MR BEVIS
Mrs Willis, what for?

MRS BEVIS
You know, her Vitamin D deficiency on account of the lack of natural light.

MR BEVIS
Give her some carrots then.

MRS BEVIS
I can't do that dear.

MR BEVIS
Why not?

MRS BEVIS (as she exits through a door marked "Next Door"
We've only got dented ones left.

MR BEVIS (to himself)as he turns round to talk to Billy
They're not the only things dented around here. (louder) Billy would you...

Realises Billy has left the room.

(shouts) BILLY....

BILLY BEVIS (pops his head around the corner)
Wot?

MR BEVIS (starts talking to Billy unawares that Mrs Bevis has re-entered the room)
Am I the only person in this household who cares about the future? I mean what about...

(interrupted by MRS BEVIS) who says
The future.. you don't want to worry about that, we're quite alright as we are aren't we? No mortgage or bills anymore are there. It's quite relaxing really, and so quiet, remember all those noisy lorries and buses eh!! All that carbon dioxide harming the environment. If you ask me we're all a lot better off...

(Interrupted by MR BEVIS, who shouts)
BILLY!!
BILLY BEVIS
Yes Dad.

MR BEVIS
Pop and get me one of those orange pills will you?

BILLY BEVIS
The ones marked' anti depressant'

MR BEVIS
That's the one, I can feel another dent, I mean headache coming on again.

EXIT

It's a radio show, you've given directions as if it's for TV. Just mentioning the fact. It seems rather long, perhaps if it was shorter it'd work better.

I enjoyed that, nice little family dynamics going on and good continuing joke with the rotation thing. It did meander a bit and agree with Beaky was a bit long but nothing that couldn't be fixed.

An interesting premise but I am afraid it doesn't really go anywhere for me and took too long in not getting there. It really needs more jokes. I would look back at it and mark everywhere you think there is a laugh. I mean a real laugh not just an interesting idea.

I did really like the idea of people who are short of good, real food, still not using tins with dints in...

This is my other offering

LIFE ON EARTH 2by Geoff Matthews

ANNOUNCER
Meanwhile on Earth 2, formerly known as Mars. The Brown's are looking around their prospective new home accompanied by the estate agent android Peachy Des Res.
Cut to entrance hall.

PEACHY DES RES (in very robotic voice)
Behold.. No. 234156799B... The property enjoys spacious accommodation... front aspect to..

Interrupted by MR BROWN irritated
Yes thank you, we've got eyes!

MR BROWN to his wife
What do you think dear?

MRS BROWN
It's not very... homely, is it!

MR BROWN
Homely?

MRS BROWN
Yes, you know. It's all a bit contemporary for my taste. No beams or anything.

PEACHY DES RES
What is beams?

MR BROWN
Nothing.

Then quietly to MRS BROWN

You know very well that organic material is not used in buildings on Mars, I mean Earth 2. It costs too much to import the stuff.

MRS BROWN
I know that but... well... can't we have anything that's a bit more................... you know!

MR BROWN
No, I don't know. A bit more what exactly?

MRS BROWN
Well, a bit more earth-like, like.

MR BROWN (irritated)
Not that old chestnut again. We've been over this already. You can't have real things anymore.

PEACHY DES RES
What is real things?

MR BROWN
Nothing, thank you. We're just discussing the er... details.

MRS BROWN
But I like real things. All this, put these perceptive glasses on and have a look. I mean, it's not real is it!

MR BROWN (to himself)
The pain in my neck is real enough.

MRS BROWN
What dear?

MR BROWN
Nothing. This is the best we've looked at isn't it. Under the circumstances, all things considered, we could do worse.

MRS BROWN to robot
What do you think Mr Res.

MR BROWN
It's not good asking him is it. He's programmed to give you a preset answer to any question.

MRS BROWN
If he's got all the answers, how come he didn't know what beams were.

MR BROWN (through gritted teeth)
Keep your voice down! You can get into trouble talking about beams and real stuff. It's all virtual up here so you better get used to it. Now then, what about this place eh., shall we go for it?

MRS BROWN in a resigned manner
Do I have a choice? We're stuck up here so I suppose it's better than that holding bay we've been living in since we docked.

MR BROWN (quietly)
OK then, leave this to me. I'll see if I can negotiate a bit on the price. Remember no more mention of real things, anything relating to old Earth stuff. It's a brave new world up here and we've got to push on and make the best of it. OK?

MRS BROWN (resigned)
I suppose so.

MR BROWN to PEACHY DES RES
As it happens, we are interested in this one. How much is it?

PEACHY DES RES
The purchase price of this dwelling is 15 million 403 credits.....(pause)....including stamp duty!

MR BROWN
Shall we say 10 million credits for a deal now then?

PEACHY DES RES
The Vendor has instructed me to accept no less than 13 million credits.

Pause then

MR BROWN
OK, I think we can go along with that. You have a deal, Mr Peachy, I mean Res. That is..Mr Res.

MRS BROWN interrupts
Wait a minute, don't I have a say in any of this?

MR BROWN
13 million credits is quite reasonable dear. I think we should...

MRS BROWN quietly
No, let me talk to him. Give him a bit of the old flirt. Bat my eyes at it, er him and see if I can get the price down a bit more.

MR BROWN (reluctantly)
Alright but remember, no real stuff talk.

MRS BROWN (irritated)
I know, I know.

MRS BROWN turning to PEACHY DES RES
How much is it if we pay in Euro's?

MR BROWN
Oh! Good grief.

THE END

This was very bland, you don't seem to have especially funny, setting, characters or lines.
Now at one point it all sparked to life and that was when the Browns mentioned how they were desperate having been stuck in holding.
And the idea of an android programmed to be an estate agent has potential.
Otherwise what you're writing isn't really funny.

Thanks for comments all, these were literally my first attempts at writing comedy. Will try and hone my skills, watch this space. :-)