ROBOT INTROIn 2026, soon after gaining independence, Scotland went to war over the spelling of whisky. The use of atomic weapons turned Ireland into a radioactive wasteland and guaranteed that whisky would never again contain the letter 'E'.
MICHAEL(shouting) Dawn! I'm home. You'll never believe the tailback on the hyperloop tonight.
DAWNWe've been waiting for you. The Flanagans, new people in number 2457, have popped round to say hi. Go on through - I'm just getting drinks.
MICHAEL(Cheerily) Well hello new neighbours!
AIDEN(Buzzy & Irish) Alright there. I'm Aiden and this is my wife, Branna.
BRANNA(Buzzy & Irish) Pleased to meet you. Michael isn't it? We've heard all about you.
MICHAELOh Michael. Yes. Err I didn't know you're...err... err... what are you?
BRANNAOh the accent - Irish. Aye - I don't s'pose you get many of us 'round here.
MICHAEL(apprehensive) No. No we don't. But I don't think it's the Irish throwing me. Aren't you both -
DAWN(calling from the next room) Michael love, can you come and give me a hand with the drinks?
MICHAEL(calling to DAWN) oh err of course.
FX: Michael walking in, cups of tea/coffee being stirred
MICHAEL(quietly so the neighbours can't hear) The new neighbours are -
DAWN(quietly) Cockroaches. Yes - I'd noticed.
MICHAELWell what are roaches doing in our house? You know I can't stand insects.
DAWNOh don't make a scene Mike. They've only just moved into the area and they're really nice. Take a minute to look beneath the skin and they're just the same as us.
MICHAELThe same as us? But they're roaches! Filthy dirty roaches.
DAWNCockroaches are people too. They're just like us. Say it - they're just like us. (BEAT) Say it!
MICHAEL(quiet and grudgingly) They're just like us.
DAWNGood. Now give me a hand with these.
FX: Clinks of cups/mugs being picked up and carried into the next room.
MICHAEL(sub voce) Just like us. Just like us. Just like us.
(normally) Your drinks - tea white five sugars?
AIDENCheers. Nice and sugary - how I love it.
DAWNAnd here's yours, Branna. Can I get you anything to go with that, any biscuits or cake?
MICHAEL(sub voce) Just like us. Just like us. Just like us.
AIDENOh I'm fine thanks.
MICHAEL(sub voce) Just like us. Just like us. Just like us.
BRANNAYou wouldn't have any rotting meat would you?
FX: MICHAEL Screams
END