Ficees the Gleerak goes to School SKETCH Page 2

Though are beats not a narrative. And your description of a narrative is a vague sentence that goes no where.

Your skit resembles someone attempting to advertise their restaurant by photographing the bowel movements of their customers after eating there.

I'd say you'll look back and laugh at this, but laughter and this sketch are diametrically opposed.

It's too comedy as beating your wife to death with a brick in a sock is to happy marriage.

Fundamentally you can't write comedy, you can windily defend it in a manner that does little more than proclaim your inabilities.

Yeah, I gathered you weren't a fan.

So did anyone like anything about the sketch? Or have anything constructive to say? I'd quite like to know which bits are difficult to follow or feel disconnected... if your argument holds up to scrutiny I'll thank you for it, honest!

It's not for me as it is not written for broadcast

The premise has potential but you have tried to be too clever with the writing.
Trying to go over the audiences head with acronyms and binary is not a good idea. (unless they are explained and found to be comical)

If it is for radio, the characters have to be visualized by the audience. I couldn't make out whether they were human or robots or something from another planet. And what is worse, towards the end, I didn't care.

I didn't understand the story. Was it a robot goes to the wrong class and gets trapped because he has been given security information?

As I said the premise has potential but with an almost complete re-write.

And by the way, any 'geek' reading it would certainly check your binary numbers and find they are meaningless.

I know it's early in the year, but I think we have a strong contender for the 2014 "WYEFL" Stumbly.

WYEFL is that Welsh or something.

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 27th January 2014, 10:11 AM GMT

The premise has potential but you have tried to be too clever with the writing.
Trying to go over the audiences head with acronyms and binary is not a good idea. (unless they are explained and found to be comical)

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Well, the joke is that the binary 'spells' "clone" and goes on too long. The only acronym I think I used was the name of a gene, which it's explained was used to teach Cantonese.

If it is for radio, the characters have to be visualized by the audience. I couldn't make out whether they were human or robots or something from another planet. And what is worse, towards the end, I didn't care.

Yeah, the character of Arnold is a robot (an ex-weather satelite), the main character is a species of Alien called a Gleerak, and the rest are (human) clones. I think you're right that it's not clear from the get-go that Arnold is a robot in the script, though on the radio you would know from the voice.

I didn't understand the story. Was it a robot goes to the wrong class and gets trapped because he has been given security information?

The alien joins the wrong station and gets trapped because he's been "imprinted" with proprietary information relating to tactical deployment.

As I said the premise has potential but with an almost complete re-write.

Thanks.

And by the way, any 'geek' reading it would certainly check your binary numbers and find they are meaningless.

Well it's supposed to "spell" out 'clone' and then 'cun...'. I looked up the binary for the letters and stuck them together, so assuming the site I looked at was legit, I don't think they're meaningless.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. I appreciate you offering a genuine critique. I wasn't trying to write 'clever' at all, if anything I was trying to be broad.

Japi if a meal is disliked it is pointless explaining the recipe.

Ah, you would be using the ASCII method of translating binary to letters which takes in all the symbols possible with a standard keyboard, whereas 1 to 26 would be a better representation of the English alphabet (and much shorter binary)

Quote: Marc P @ 27th January 2014, 11:39 AM GMT

Japi if a meal is disliked it is pointless explaining the recipe.

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We're discussing the recipe. The cooked meal would be an audio file in showcase. If a recipe is disliked, well, then the chef disliking it should be able to offer a reason why he thinks the final product will taste shit, and the chef coming up with the recipe should be able to disagree with the assessment of his peer. This is after all a recipe submitted for feedback, not a three course meal for a specific clique of anonymous judges to hold up signs of "yay" or "nay" on the tastiness of said menu.

JaPi, Marc's comment was pithy, witty and pertinent, qualities you would do well to emulate.

Quote: JaPi @ 27th January 2014, 12:25 PM GMT

a specific clique of anonymous judges

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Quote: Nogget @ 27th January 2014, 12:48 PM GMT

JaPi, Marc's comment was pithy, witty and pertinent, qualities you would do well to emulate.

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I do apologise.

The clue as to this sketches potential is not just in our critique, but also the BBCs reluctance to use it. I'd just chalk it up to experience and move on.

But Ben they didn't use either of our sketches and surely the fault lies with them in that.

I was just offering some general advice to JaPi. He needs to stop trying to find people who like his rejected sketch and move on.