FADE IN:
INT. - DAY. CAR.PARKING IN DRIVEWAY OF ORDINARY SEMI.
THE CAR SHOWS EVIDENCE OF SCRATCHING ON THE BACK AND A NUMBER OF DENTS IN THE BUMPER. ONE OF THE REAR LIGHTS IS CRACKED.
RICHARD E TURPIN (mid Thirties in a Smartly pressed but now worn, slightly, too-big suit). TURPIN finishes parking and switches off the engine. He looks behind and to the sides of the car. He frowns and takes hold of his briefcase while resting his hand on the door handle. He checks the rear view mirror and side mirrors. He sticks his head hard up against the window and searches the ground outside. In his nearside mirror he catches movement and smiles grimly.
CUT TO:
SAME PLACE SAME TIME.
We see the tips of the ears of a small dog behind a low wall. TURPIN checks around the car again and hesitates as he sees a young mother approaching on the pavement holding hands with two small children. They pass him by chattering and laughing. He nods, smiles and waggles his fingers at the mother and kids who all smile back as they pass.
An instant later ferocious barking breaks out accompanied by panicked screams from the children and mother. TURPIN wrenches open his door and leaps out. Flailing the briefcase as he goes, he legs it to the front door of his house and forces the key into the lock, leaps inside and slams the door closed. Grinning, he looks out of the window through the net curtains to see further down the road the mother pacifying her crying children. We see a small Jack Russell proudly running back into next door's garden. TURPIN grimaces and makes a gun with his hand and points at the dog. The dog stops and turns to look at him.
CUT TO:
DOG'S POV. THE NET CURTAIN ON THE WINDOW. SPOOKILY IT'S AS IF HE CAN SEE THROUGH IT
CUT TO:
INT. - DAY. HALLWAY SAME TIME.
TURPIN ducks immediately behind the wall. In the hallway hang pictures of TURPIN and a young woman laughing plus other family snaps. His gaze lingers on the one of himself smiling, receiving an award.
TURPIN
G! I'm home.
CUT TO:
INT. - DAY. LIVING ROOM
He enters the living room which is in semi-darkness with the curtains closed. The TV is on. On the sofa, covered in a quilt lies a woman (GWYNNETH, SIMILAR AGE TO TURPIN). She is lacklustre and depressed looking. She is in her dressing gown. He bends down and kisses her gently on her head. In her hand she has crumpled up Kleenex tissues. Her eyes are puffy.
TURPIN
Had anything to eat?
GWYNNETH
No.
TURPIN
You need something. I'll do chilli. How's that?
GWYNNETH shakes her head.
TURPIN(OPENING THE CURTAINS AND LOOKING OUT)
Sort of wish he'd get run over again. Be more peaceful. (CHUCKLES) That plaster cast with wheels was pretty funny, though. Remember, G? He used to go up on one wheel as he cornered? Could outrun him easily then.
GWYNNETH
If you'd taken more care that night, he'd not have had to wear it at all and he wouldn't now have that chip on his shoulder. Ted next door's had loads of complaints
TURPIN
It wasn't on purpose. You know that. Anyway, I was getting you to the hospital.
He sits next to her on the sofa. She moves her legs into the curling position. He holds her hand.
TURPIN
So.
GWYNNETH (SHRUGS)
So.
TURPIN
Rough day?
GWYNNETH
Not too bad.
TURPIN strokes her hair and she holds his hand against her face.
GWYNNETH(CONTINUES AND CRYING)
I'm so fed up. (beat)Loads of people miscarry. I'm pathetic.(beat)
And, you're so good.
TURPIN
In sickness.
He leans forward and takes her face in both hands and kisses her. She smiles bravely.
GWYNNETH
I love you.
TURPIN
Me too. I'll get tea on.(beat)And, you will eat something. Need to get back on your feet.
He leaves the room.
CUT TO:
INT. - DAY. KITCHEN. A LITTLE LATER
TURPIN is pulling plates from the cupboard and taking vegetables from the fridge. He moves several boxes of tablets out of the way.
TURPIN(RAISES VOICE)
Got more homework to do tonight. Compliance training - "know my customer" stuff. (beat)I know 'em alright. Twats! (MUTTERS TO HIMSELF)If I didn't know my customer I'd not sell anything would I? Bloody busybodies. (beat)(RAISES VOICE AGAIN) We now have to write about them and their circumstances to prove we've have done our ethical best for them.
GWYNNETH(FROM THE OTHER ROOM)
You always do.
TURPIN
Yeah.
TURPIN(CONTINUES)
Being honest doesn't deliver.
(HE GOES BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM WAVING A KNIFE)
I mean, how do they expect us to hit targets and tell the truth? "Oh, yes, we'll promise you the earth, Mr Customer, and when you're not looking we'll whack out the margins and steal your money. If you catch us out we'll just lie about it and drop the margin down again until you go back to sleep". (beat)
Even charities! Four percent they took on a 3 million pounds! Do you know how much that is?
GWYNNETH
£120,000.
TURPIN (CONTINUES)
(beat)Is it really?...(TUTS) Thanks. And now we're expected to claim our customer service is worth an extra premium. (HOLDS HANDS WIDE APART)
We're rubbish. Filled with incompetents and body-swervers whose only response to a customer complaint is to pass the buck to the sales manager. Got six to chase up myself! I should've stayed at DANES FX. (pause)I'd go for another job but... (TURNS AND HEADS BACK TO KITCHEN).
INT. - DAY. OFFICE MEETING ROOM. HALF A DOZEN MEN AND WOMEN IN SUITS ARE SITTING AROUND A TABLE.
We see, standing at the front, TURPIN. He is presenting using powerpoint. He is frazzled and sweating. A young woman with a sour face (HEIDI) sits pressing the keys of a calculator while TURPIN waits anxiously to continue. There is an air of expectation in the room.
HEIDI
RICHARD, just run those figures by me again. How do you get growth of 100% month on month when your prospects list is almost non-existent? Where will you get the customers from?
TURPIN (LOOKING AT THE PROJECTED SCREEN)
I'm sorry?
HEIDI
Who are you planning to sell to?
PETER PREFECT (SHARPLY DRESSED, YOUNG, SMART AND SLIMY)
You want some of my customers DICK?
Some laughter greets this. TURPIN reddens.
TURPIN
I'm sorry, HEIDI. I thought I had added them last night. Um..I have got my list somewhere. (HE RUMMAGES IN HIS PILE OF PAPERS).
CUT TO:
We see the others exchanging looks.
HEIDI
Move on! We haven't got time. We'll take this offline later.
CU on grinning PREFECT.
CUT TO:
SAME PLACE LATER.
Everyone is eating sandwiches and drinking tea in the meeting room. PREFECT is talking loudly with a couple of the group. TURPIN stands alone trying to wipe something off his mug and read his text messages at the same time.
PREFECT
I know, I know. I don't know how I do it. (LOOKS OVER AT TURPIN)How about you DICK? Any idea how I do it? (LAUGHS)
TURPIN ignores the comment and exits the room while reading a text message.
CUT TO:
CORRIDOR SAME TIME
.
HEIDI is watching as TURPIN steps into the lift.
HEIDI
RICHARD, where are you going?
TURPIN(HOLDING UP HIS PHONE)
Got to go, HEIDI. G's not well again. I really need to sort it out. Sorry.
Before she can respond the doors close. She is left fuming.
CUT TO:
INT. - DAY. A DIFFERENT OFFICE.
A man (BRYANT) sits looking at a form. Alongside him stands TURPIN, who is pointing to parts of the form.
RICHARD TURPIN
So, if you can just sign here and here, MR BRYANT, I'll get the trading line set up for you. That'll be an end to your problems. No more cock-ups or sleepless nights. No jargon or sharp practice. (beat)All with a level of customer support envied by the competition. (AS HE SAYS THIS TURPIN SCRATCHES HIS NOSE).
BRYANT looks up at him as he does so then frowns and nods.
And you are sure you make no hidden charges?
TURPIN
You have my guarantee, MR BRYANT. Once the initial period passes there is an adjustment so it will cost the normal fee only as we've already discussed (BRYANT NODS). But the margin will stay at 10 Basis Points as agreed.
BRYANT
Terms and Conditions. Any sneaky little clauses? Do I have to trudge through this? (WAVES PAPERWORK)
TURPIN
Just the usual stuff. Perhaps if you can't sleep one night you could read it. Shall I put it inside the folder?
CUT TO:
WEEKS LATER. INT. - DAY BUSY OFFICE. TURPIN'S DESK.
The desk is messy. Sitting at the side is a mug. On it is printed neatly "Richard E TURPIN". Someone has used indelible marker pen to score through "Richard" and changed it to "dick" and added "D" to the "E".
Photos of a younger, smiling TURPIN with GWYNNETH are stuck around the computer screen. Someone has added a felt-tip moustache to one of GWYNNETHO.
TURPIN picks up his phone and dials. When he speaks it is with a laboured attempt at a Scottish accent.
TURPIN
Halloo! Is that BEN? (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) (pause)RICHARD here......stand and deliver!(pause)RICHARD.....er DICK .........TURPIN.....the Turpster. 'Member me? (UNCERTAIN LAUGH)... You still got me "salesman of the year" plaque on the wall? (pause)Of course, BEN. Of course. We all move on. (beat) S'pose we're all under the cosh these days eh? Targets, bloody target. Tell me about it (LAUGHS) Miss the old days, though. Good times and bonuses.
(pause)
TURPIN (CONTINUES WITH LOWERED VOICE)
Well, yes. That wasn't good. Old JERRY dying so suddenly wasn't a fun thing and I know he was your mate. (pause)And he wasn't old. I know. Er...(pause)
Hang on, BEN. I didn't kill him. If anything it was all that sex! I never knew someone so, ...successful. (beat) And work. All his customers going crazy to trade at any price. All that money! He couldn't do anything wrong! (pause)
That's a little unfair, BEN. I was only given his business after...
(pause) If it had been you, you wouldn't have complained! I'm not the first to inherit a bonus. (pause)It's a dog eat dog world.
He glances around.
TURPIN
Anyway, I was just wondering how the old gang are getting on. Any openings coming up? (pause)No, no...but if I'm honest, I find this lot a little stuffy. Bit too American for my liking - Daleks on amphetamine. (pause)I know, I know. It's my fault for leaving but if one comes up, I'd appreciate a call? (pause)
Thanks anyway. Bye.
His phone rings as soon as he puts it down.
TURPIN
Hello, RICHARD TURPIN.
