Hi Guys
Would appreciate your thoughts on this character improv. It's actually part of a bigger project (we had actors come in and just improvise characters) but this one seemed like a self contained story. There is a definite arc to the story but I reckon I could do with losing a couple of minutes. Would be interested in hearing where you think it could be trimmed/gets boring etc.
Cheers
Newmski
I think you have the basis of quite a powerful piece.
Personally, I would take the improvised script as a first draft and really hone it down - make every line count.
Think a modern take on Alan Bennet's Talking Heads or Rob Brydon's "Marion & Geoff".
I think the world has had enough of Mockumentaries - turn them into tight little monologues.
Could be trimmed by 50% at least IMHO.
I agree its a little long, otherwise its funny entertaining and held my attention.
Thanks for taking a look. I agree it needs butchering. The main project is made of short little snippets from many different characters but thought I could maybe make something from this footage. I'll have another look at the edit. Thanks for your comments.
Newmski
Its a strong character and a strong performance, so you can lose some of it
also the ending is a bit predictable and sudden, you've lead us to exactly where we expected to be, I think a twist would be.
If this was all improv it's pretty impressive. It reminded me of MadTV's Lowered Expectations and I think if you made it shorter, you could do a number of similarly styled dating videos using your various characters. Maybe like a list of "budget" dates because all of the good ones were taken if that makes sense.
Also the dating video has a built in weakness it's been done over to the point of cliche.
I mean Smack the Pony had a running sketch on crap dating videos and infact dating videos, are pretty funny themselves.
I think it needs a big twist I was thinking
1 He's killed his wife and serves her butchered on rice as sushi
2 He used to be a lady
3 He kidnapped his son 3 years ago and is infact his gay sex slave
4 He was the 3rd one out of the Proclaimers but they kicked him out because he could sing
5 It's actually a martydom
6 It's one of those commit suicide with me videos
Also the dating video has a built in weakness it's been done over to the point of cliche.
I mean Smack the Pony had a running sketch on crap dating videos and infact dating videos, are pretty funny themselves.
I think it needs a big twist I was thinking
1 He's killed his wife and serves her butchered on rice as sushi
2 He used to be a lady
3 He kidnapped his son 3 years ago and is infact his gay sex slave
4 He was the 3rd one out of the Proclaimers but they kicked him out because he could sing
5 It's actually a martydom
6 It's one of those commit suicide with me videos
"He was the 3rd one out of the Proclaimers but they kicked him out because he could sing"
Haha! I like it!. I know what you mean about the cliched idea but the trouble is I'm kinda stuck with the footage I have. Would be something of a mission to re-shoot and probably not really worth it. Going to do a harsh edit and see what I'm left with.
Newmski
If you get it really sharp it probably won't show, its a good character and all
I thought this was very good and very well acted mixing comedy with pathos. I did think that it was in places a tiny bit slow but the petulant slapping of the wooden board when his karate fails was brilliant. I also enjoyed the woman holding the board's inability to stop laughing as well.