Strong rumours that the queen is to abdicate at the end of this year
Alzheimer's has set in and she now believes that she is a small Yorkshire terrier called Skip
Also Lord Rennard announced today that he is a gay man
The (completely made up) News Thread
French PM stays in on a Saturday night and has a wank.
In local news, the BCG has announced that it will start paying for funny posts.
An un-named ex Coronation Street star has tonight been questioned by police after allegations he once touched the arse of the ginger cat that used sit on the roof at the start of the program
The cat , now retired , claims the star tempted her with chicken legs and warm milk
In more news. Justin Bieber denies the allegation's that the eggs thrown at his neighbours window we're actually from his period.
Britain today relaxed it's restriction on smoking in pubs, de-restricted it's laws on private gun ownership and forced BBC news to hire female reporters who were easy on the eye.
This bold action immediately raised Britain from 'That country full of commies, queers and uggos' to 'F**k yeah, totally boss, the UK rocks!' in the space of a few minutes.
And finally today in lighter news - Thatcher is still dead.
Quote: lofthouse @ 20th January 2014, 10:50 PM GMTAn un-named ex Coronation Street star has tonight been questioned by police after allegations he once touched the arse of the ginger cat that used sit on the roof at the start of the program
The cat , now retired , claims the star tempted her with chicken legs and warm milk
I believed you right up until the part you said the ginger cat was female. 
Margaret Thatcher alive and well and running a food bank for the needy in Surbiton.
Quote: Oldrocker @ 21st January 2014, 12:15 AM GMTMargaret Thatcher alive and well and running a food bank for the needy in Surbiton.
History was made today when a thousand members of BCG stormed the Apollo shouting
"We want SootyJ, We want SootyJ".
"We want SootyJ, We want SootyJ".
"We want SootyJ, We want SootyJ".
It turned out that they wanted to hang him
by the feet and have him
perform his Stand-Up routine while upside down.
SootyJ was captured by Police mounted on Zebras
and brought to the Apollo
where he performed his act with gusto
despite the fact that the crib sheet on his Nexus pad
had got mud splattered and also
kept turning the text the right way up
which was upside down to SootyJ so
he had to learn to read upside down dirty jokes.
~~~~~~~
The Comedy section of the Evening Standard has hailed this performance as the beginning of a new genre of Comedy and speculates that The Hang-Down Comedian will replace The Stand-Up Comedian in our comedy clubs.
Nicolas Anelka has issued a statement strongly denying he is anti-Semitic. He says some of his best friends live in semi's and one even lives in a bungalow...
Inspired by Danphobic thought I'd have a go at News Thump what do you think of my effort
apologies for poor taste
Further embarrassment today for beleaguered Lid Dem leader Nick Clegg when it was revealed that his minister for women, was in fact notorious Serial Killer Peter Sutcliffe. Nick had been in unaware for the last 30 years the Liberal Democrats senior policy officer for women's rights and gender equality;
had been murdering female sex workers all across the Yorkshire area then serving an extended period of incarceration in a maximum security mental hospital. Whilst speaking to our reporter Nick said;
I must confess to some disappointment that Peter didn't attend any of the Parliamentary debates on key issues, including our recent white paper on replacing the word the; with the word she on all government documentation to make them less sexist.
It was also highly inconvenient discussing confidential party internal politics in the visitor's room at Broodmor whilst Peter was strapped to a restraint bed and 6 staff stood by in full riot gear.
Nick first became aware of issues with Peter Sutcliffe 's possible lack of suitability for the post after; reports of wearing inappropriately phallic ties, enjoying the sexist humour of Benny Hill and killing the central office tea lady with a fire extinguisher.
How did an infamous mass murderer work his way into the very heart of the Liberal Party?
Nick's only response, it was 30 years before I took power look you can't honestly expect me to know what all the Lib Dem cabinet ministers are upto, there's literally a dozen of them. And some of them aren't even on the sex offenders register. Though there is a rumour that Peter was mistaken for exBeatles drummer Stewart Sutcliffe.
Though some might consider it 30 years to late Nick has promised a full and frank investigation into the allegations against Peter Sutcliffe. Once Nick can find a QC who doesn't respond to his phone call with;
Is this a windup are you Chris Evans or something.
updated thanks Playfull
TV News; EastEnders is to take on, an as yet unnamed, very attractive female actress. Sources from the show have said 'if she is as pretty as they say, she won't be made welcome here. We do have standards to uphold'.
Quote: sootyj @ 21st January 2014, 1:26 PM GMTFurther embarrassment today for beleaguered Lid Dem leader Nick Clegg when it was revealed that his minister for women, was in fact notorious Serial Killer Ian Brady. Nick had been in unaware for the last 30 years the Liberal Democrats senior policy officer for women's rights and gender equality;
had been murdering female sex workers all across the Yorkshire area then serving an extended period of incarceration in a maximum security mental hospital.
That my friend deserves a double booyah! I'd say send it into Newsjack, but you already know that it's too funny, satirical and clever to appear on that show.
Anyways, back to the news -
The BBC announced today that in order to save money they will be combining all of their upcoming productions into one show and are quite excited about Arthur Conan Bronte's Victorian Lady Village Inspector Goes To War. Starring Olivia Coleman and Peter Capaldi - as everyone and everything - this lavish costume drama is an imaginative retelling of every single plot and character you've seen on BBC dramas for the last six years.