New sitcom - 1st 10 pages Page 2

Quote: sootyj @ 19th January 2014, 7:28 PM GMT

Isnt the US model more that a couple of writers come up with the overall story and each lead character has their own writers, who write their stories.

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No. There might be someone in the room more in sync with a certain character, so will keep on eye on what they're doing, but the script isn't handed out in slivers for different writers to work on, that would be a bit tricky!

The room tosses ideas around, 'breaks' the story so it's all planned out. One person writes the draft. Then that draft goes back into the room and is worked on again. It's along those lines.

Oh dear, we have hijacked this thread. Sorry.

It's not high jacking it's informing and relevant to the OP

I think you can calm the humour down a bit, let the character interractions give the laughs. Garth's entrance is very nicely played, even if it's not the most original. There's a good feel to this script, I think just calm it and keep the language naturalistic.

As an editor I would cut it down to natural. Letters cost money you know.

I haven't read the script but can't the piece speak for itself, no matter how many people wrote for it. If he didn't mention the multiple writers, would you know that THAT was where he/they were going wrong?

It did speak for itself which is I commented.

Quote: Marc P @ 19th January 2014, 7:46 PM GMT

As an editor I would cut it down to natural. Letters cost money you know.

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Natural language is the language of nature, rustling of trees and hooting of gibbons, your script would just be gibberish.
You sir no nothing of script writing, naturalism or I suspect life.

Quote: sootyj @ 19th January 2014, 7:51 PM GMT

Natural language is the language of nature, rustling of trees and hooting of gibbons, your script would just be gibberish.
You sir no nothing of script writing, naturalism or I suspect life.

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It's not badly written, and it's easy to read, just not that funny. For me, Lindy's line in this bit was the funniest line in it:

DANIEL
That car was his pride and joy. Mind you, I did go nuts in it. Did wheel spins three times round the pitch, ran over the club mascot and left him at the bottom of the swimming pool.

GARTH
He must have been livid?

MAC
His wife more so. She'd gone into labour and was lying across the back seat at the time.

(Silence)

LINDY
Never mind. Water births are all the rage these days, carry on-

Obviously, the biggest challenge when trying to create the frist ten pages of a sitcom has been introducing all characters and trying to get their personalities across whilst also trying to get sufficient gags in at the same time.

The "multiple writers" thing evolved mainly through a mutual love of comedy and a "hey, why don't we give it shot?" kind of thing.

The feedback has been useful and has given us something to work on.

Cheers.

I'm not sure if it is the multiple writers or not, but I think you have ended up with something that is technically fine but feels a bit bland and formulaic. It seems to be a bit of a compromise to me. Why don't you write something alone and see what happens?

I liked "A mint? A bit harsh to get arrested for that."

I like the setting, nice group of characters, except for Mac who is too much of a psycho, surely. I like Daniel best and Denzel best. There are too many to really get to know at this stage.

Its hard to balance the jokes with the character development. I empathize.

If you get your character, so they're real living breathing people you don't really need to introduce them.

Quote: Jamie McLeish @ 19th January 2014, 9:27 PM GMT

Obviously, the biggest challenge when trying to create the frist ten pages of a sitcom has been introducing all characters and trying to get their personalities across whilst also trying to get sufficient gags in at the same time.

The "multiple writers" thing evolved mainly through a mutual love of comedy and a "hey, why don't we give it shot?" kind of thing.

The feedback has been useful and has given us something to work on.

Cheers.

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Never mind 'hey let's give it a shot' mentality. Write something you believe in