Hi,
Myself and 2 friends have spent the last year writing a 6-part sitcom entitled "Amateurs", about a group of misfits who run a local Am-Dram society. The first ten pages are below and any feedback would be appreciated.
Cheers,
Jamie.
AMATEURS
Episode 1
Action!...In Diana Jones
EXT: A street leading to the entrance of a small local theatre - NIGHT
DANIEL, 19 years old, is tentatively approaching the theatre. Camera pans past him as he enters the door, resting on a poster which says "New Talent Wanted - Open Castings Tonight!"
INT: A theatre green-room - NIGHT
The room is empty apart from several members of the theatre; LINDY (attractive married female, mid-30's); BLANCHE (domineering female, late 50's); DENZEL (male, black, in his late 30's, handsome & arrogant); EVE (female, early-20's, beautiful but conceited, daughter of Blanche) and MAC (male, in his 40's, caretaker).
LINDY
I respect your point of view Denzel, but I must say you're an absolute fu-
The room goes quiet as DANIEL walks in on the group. He is in his early 20's and looks sheepish.
BLANCHE
Oh, hello...
DANIEL just stands there.
LINDY
Well don't just stand there young man, let the dog see the rabbit.
MAC (to Lindy)
Bet you've got a rabbit?
LINDY
Not now Mac.
MAC
My ex had something similar. Spirit of Shergar she called it.
EVE
Pervert.
BLANCHE (to Daniel)
Yes? Can we help you?
DANIEL
Er, yeah. Well, I was just er, I came for the reading...the open casting thing.
He is beckoned by EVE who jumps up and almost pulls him into the room.
EVE
Hello! Come on in. Fresh meat! Everybody's welcome.
DANIEL is almost dragged in by Eve and pushed into a seat.
LINDY(to Daniel)
Hiya.
DANIEL
Hi.
DENZEL
Soooooo - you lookin' to join up eh?
DANIEL nods.
LINDY
You're the only person to turn up so it looks like you're in luck.
BLANCHE
We'll have to run it by Garth first, if he ever shows up.
DANIEL
Garth? Who's that?
EVE
Our director.
There is a noise of a door opening off-screen as Garth arrives.
BLANCHE
You can find out for yourself, here he is now. A word of warning though, he's touchy about people poking fun of his surname.
DANIEL
What for?
BLANCHE
He gets a lot of stick from the kids at the school where he teaches. They're always making Star Wars jokes about him.
DANIEL
What is his surname then?
BLANCHE
Vader.
DANIEL
Garth Vader?
BLANCHE
Garth Vader.
DANIEL
Garth...Vader...?
BLANCHE
Mmm.
The room goes silent and the only sound is that of deep, cavernous breathing a la Darth Vader. Garth's silhouette is cast on a wall - it is roughly the shape of a helmeted Darth Vader figure. Daniel looks horrified. After a few seconds a short bespectacled man appears, wearing a cycling helmet and shorts. He takes a big puff on his asthma inhaler.
GARTH (booming deep voice)
Hello-
(coughs - voice heightens dramatically)
Hello everyone. How's it gone tonight then? Any new meat for the slaughter?
DENZEL (Raising his fist)
Let the black man speak. Yes, we have one new recruit. Garth, this is Daniel.
GARTH walks over to DANIEL and shakes his hand.
GARTH
Pleased to meet you Daniel.
DANIEL does a little curtsy.
DANIEL
And you...my lord.
GARTH
You acted before Daniel?
DANIEL
No, no never.
GARTH
Not to worry, as long as you can walk and talk at the same time I'm sure you'll fit in no problem. We're not exactly drowning in Oliviers or Redgraves here.
DANIEL looks at him blankly.
GARTH (to the group)
Right. I've been thinking about what we should put on next. As we all know, our last production was Othello - very poorly received, unfortunately.
DENZEL
Well your casting wasn't very good was it? I would have thought I was ideal. Nobody swallowed Mac as Othello.
GARTH (ignoring Denzel)
So, that was the Blacks covered, who's next? Eve...?
EVE
Disableds? Queers?
GARTH
We'll have to think about it. Now, it's gone quarter to, so I don't think we'll get anybody else. How about we do (dramatic pause) THE CREEPING DEATH!
GARTH looks directly at BLANCHE and grimaces.
GARTH
Er, not you.
LINDY
We all know each other! There's only one new person.
GARTH
Mmm. Maybe we could-
EVE
Let's start with me! I'm gonna be a S.T.A.R. Mummy tells me every day. But for now I'm working part-time at the mini-mart at the petrol station. I get ten-percent off a Ginster.
LINDY
Sounds interesting. Does Simon Cowell like Ginsters?
EVE (defensive)
Well it is interesting actually. Like, last week it was totes-amaze! We had a robbery!
GARTH (excited)
Ooh! Tell us more!
EVE
It was all a bit of a blur really. Two men burst in wearing ski-masks, threatened me with a rolled-up copy of Heat magazine and demanded money.
GARTH
How exciting! And did they get any?
EVE
Not money, no. The tills were empty as the Security Guard had just been to bank the takings. They were obviously disappointed but determined not to leave empty handed. In the end they made off with Westlife's Greatest Hits on CD, two spicy Pepperami and three dark chocolate Bounty bars.
DENZEL
The taste of paradise.
EVE
Well, the paramedics thought otherwise.
LINDY
Paramedics?
EVE
Yeah. Before they legged it there was an argument as one of them preferred milk chocolate, see. As they struggled with the bars one slipped on the Heat magazine and dislocated his shoulder.
DANIEL
Did the other one get away?
EVE
He ended up in hospital too. He was treated for acute gastroenteritis. Apparently he ate the Pepperami before the police arrived.
DENZEL
As long as they didn't take anything of yours.
EVE
No, I lost my virginity years ago.
Everybody else looks embarrassed.
GARTH
Random! (To Daniel) Young...handsome...boy-
DANIEL
Daniel.
GARTH
Mmm. Daniel. Lovely, lovely Daniel.
DANIEL
I might as well come clean straight away. I'm on Community Service and my Probation Officer thought it'd be a good idea for me to find something to do to keep me out of trouble on a night.
MAC
Trouble eh? So, you want trouble son?
MAC pounds his fist into his palm and breathes deeply through his nose.
DANIEL
Er, no.
MAC
Oh, my mistake. Carry on.
LINDY
Wow, a bad-boy eh?
DANIEL
Not that bad. Not really.
LINDY
Come on...what did you do?
DENZEL
That wasn't you at the Mini-mart was it?
DANIEL
It was all to do with my lifestyle. Oh, and I broke into Manchester United's training ground, stole a polo from Ryan Giggs.
GARTH
A mint? A bit harsh to get arrested for that.
DANIEL
That car was his pride and joy. Mind you, I did go nuts in it. Did wheel spins three times round the pitch, ran over the club mascot and left him at the bottom of the swimming pool.
GARTH
He must have been livid?
MAC
His wife more so. She'd gone into labour and was lying across the back seat at the time.
(Silence)
LINDY
Never mind. Water births are all the rage these days, carry on-
DANIEL
I guess I've never really been given a chance, what with never having a Dad and everything.
GARTH
He died?
DANIEL
No, I just never met him.
LINDY
Maybe you could try and find him.
DANIEL
I don't know anything about him.
EVE
Didn't your Mother ever tell you about him?
DANIEL
Kind of.
GARTH
So who was he?
DANIEL
Some soldiers.
EVE and DENZEL snigger.
DANIEL
Erm, I have managed to find something useful for myself though. I'm a glass collector-
MAC (interrupting)
That's a shit hobby!
DANIEL
No, I-
MAC
You want to take up my hobby.
DANIEL
What's that then?
MAC
Wanking.
GARTH stands up enraged.
GARTH
MAC! Enough! I don't want any more of your muck thrust down my throat tonight!
DENZEL (smooth)
I apologise for my colleague. (Holds out his hand to DANIEL) Denzel Loveshank. Pleased to meet you.
DANIEL
Love-
DENZEL
Loveshank by name-
LINDY
Arsehole by nature.
GARTH (to DANIEL)
Have you got anything with you to audition with? I'd like you to get your tongue round something.
DANIEL
Well, I...
BLANCHE (curt)
Have you not got anything prepared?
DANIEL
No, no, sorry. I thought you might have something.
MAC reaches into a bag by his feet and brings out a sheet of paper.
MAC
'Ere, no-one's read my work. Have a bash at this son.
MAC hands DANIEL the piece of paper. DANIEL looks nervous as all eyes are on him. The room goes silent. DANIEL clears his throat.
DANIEL
ODE TO KYLIE - by MAC MONROE
Cute, fresh, bouncy little Kylie,
You're ever so pretty and ever so smiley,
You're full of life and ever so dinky,
I bet underneath your incredibly kinky.
(The rest of the group groan)
Your hot-pants hug you nice and tightly,
I'm in a conundrum like Richard Whitely.
You sparkle in silk, satin, or hessian,
Oh Kylie, I really wish you were lesbian.
Please let me pleasure you with my rabbit,
And dress you up in a nun's habit.
You must believe me, I'm really canny,
And my only desire is to see your-
LINDY
DANIEL!
The group laughs at Daniel as he realises he's the butt of the joke.
DANIEL (pointing to Mac)
Dannii... 'see your Dannii'
MAC
Well done lad, sit down.
As DANIEL sits, MAC stands to leave.
MAC (CONT'D)
Right. Back to the bogs for me.
MAC picks up a bucket and mop and exits, whistling.
DANIEL
I thought he was the writer?
GARTH
No, he's the janitor.
DANIEL
Did I read it ok though?
BLANCHE
Awful, worst we've had all night. However, as you're the only one who turned up I suppose you'll do. Such a waste of an evening. All those flyers through letterboxes. And I spent a fortune of the petty cash on decorations for the foyer. £5 for a bag of balloons!
DENZEL
It's the price of inflation.
EVE (to DANIEL)
What kind of medium do you think you're best suited to?
DANIEL
How d'you mean?
EVE (derisory)
Come on, you know...what genre of acting do you prefer?
DANIEL looks blankly.
EVE (sighing)
What do you enjoy? What's your favourite film?
DANIEL
Oh. Schindler's List. I saw it in a double bill with Mrs. Doubtfire. Two and a half hours of slapstick-
EVE
Followed by Mrs. Doubtfire.
