Hi All,
I'm a lurker who has tried writing a sitcom. If anyone could give any feedback it'd be much appreciated!
I've put it on Amazon Studios here if anyone cares to download. http://studios.amazon.com/projects/36366
I've go and do my bit now and critique some others' work.
Thanks!
Mike
I looked at the first ten pages, which is apparently what real script readers do, and it seems very long-winded, with too many characters. Try cutting the dialogue in half, and get rid of one of the characters - the Kuwaiti guy seems unnecessary. There's no need for those long descriptions, either.
You are far more likely to get feedback if you cut and paste a section here.
Hi Slownoris,
Good first attempt but like Beaky, I felt that I didn't get the idea of the sitcom right off the first 10 pages.
I hope you have a series concept developed with characters and visual look and feel all envisioned because while the dialogue is crisp and the action to dialogue bits are tight, I got lost in the whole massage thing.
My questions would be:
What setting/time period is this commune in?
Is this surrealist Mighty Boosh comedy? I ask only because the Dream Catcher guy's name is an unusual one for any regular joe character.
The format for writing a TV sitcom is not right. I believe the BBC Writer's Room has some examples you can download and refer to.
In the first 10 pages, the humour is massively subtle in terms of action but dialogue-wise, the Edgar, hard of hearing parts, I felt were not punchy or 'punny' enough. They made him come off a bit annoying really.
Hope that helped? I'm no expert but I do read and write a lot of scripts.
I read the whole thing because I'm procrastinating. I have to agree with beaky. It all seemed a bit confusing to me. I think maybe you've introduced too many characters in the first scene. I think the dialogue could do with being more characterful as well, to help make each of them more distinctive.
As for the story, it seemed a bit too fixated with massage. I think it might benefit the script if you added a B-story on a totally unrelated topic. There were some other things I didn't like. For instance, the gang learn about a massage contract at the government building, when Terry tells Allie that the bloke who had the original contract lost both his hands in an argument. That's a bit too contrived for me. The characters should be driving the plot and making things happen, nothing should be falling into their lap's. It's good that you introduce Grateful Fred as an obstacle to this goal later on, but we only ever hear about him in the script, he's never actually on screen. I think this makes the ending--and the gang's final victory--a bit weak. We really need to see him.
On the plus side, I liked some of the lines in there. Dream's "I get all the nourishment I need from watching others eat." Was particularly funny. I also think the concept is really good, and there's plenty of potential laughs in it.
Best of luck.