A DRUNKEN THUG STAGGERS ALONG A CITY STREET ON A SUNNY AFTERNOON
HE MEETS A SMARTLY-DRESSED YOUNG MAN AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE.
THUG:
Wanker!
HE STAGGERS ON UNTIL HE MEETS AN ATTRACTIVE GIRL, WHOM HE PUNCHES IN THE FACE
THUG:
Slag!
STAGGERING ONWARD, EVER ONWARD, HE MEETS A SCHOOLBOY IN UNIFORM WHOM, YOU GUESSED IT, HE PUNCHES IN THE FACE
THUG:
C**t!
HE BEGINS TO MOVE AWAY BUT RETURNS AND KICKS THE BOY AS HE LIES ON THE PAVEMENT
THUG:
And that’s in case you can play the piano or something.
I would have liked there to be a twist in this so the thug gets what he deserves. Punching in the face a bit violent for me but the piano line made me laugh out loud 
It's a laugh but c word is a bit strong. Did make me laugh out loud so it's good.
Maybe after kicking kid, he looks up see's himself in a mirror. Says "smart arse," and punches himself?
Quote: sootyj @ February 20, 2008, 9:45 AMIt's a laugh but c word is a bit strong. Did make me laugh out loud so it's good.
Maybe after kicking kid, he looks up see's himself in a mirror. Says "smart arse," and punches himself?
Yeah that would be good
Quote: FoxyBox @ February 20, 2008, 9:26 AMA DRUNKEN THUG STAGGERS ALONG A CITY STREET ON A SUNNY AFTERNOON
HE MEETS A SMARTLY-DRESSED YOUNG MAN AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE.
THUG:
Wanker!HE STAGGERS ON UNTIL HE MEETS AN ATTRACTIVE GIRL, WHOM HE PUNCHES IN THE FACE
THUG:
Slag!STAGGERING ONWARD, EVER ONWARD, HE MEETS A SCHOOLBOY IN UNIFORM WHOM, YOU GUESSED IT, HE PUNCHES IN THE FACE
THUG:
C**t!HE BEGINS TO MOVE AWAY BUT RETURNS AND KICKS THE BOY AS HE LIES ON THE PAVEMENT
THUG:
And that’s in case you can play the piano or something.
Think there’s far too much descriptive material here.
No need to emphasis SUNNY AFTERNOON.
Young man doesn’t need to be SMARTLY-DRESSED
Girl doesn’t need to be ATTRACTIVE.
How about removing all of the descriptive padding?
this leaves you :-
THUG:
Wanker!
THUG:
Slag!
THUG:
C**t!
THUG:
And that’s in case you can play the piano or something.
Unfortunately you’re now left with 75% of a “Two Pints of Lager” script and you’ll be sued for plagiarism.
You know it makes sense, can I claim my £5?
I liked it. Keep the c**t in if you want to, or change it for f**ktwat or cock or something. I mean all this about "ooooooh, bad words, so naughty, ooooooh". I swear, everyone I know swears, even the majority of old ladies I used to care for swear. Especialy in a context like this sketch. You are not going to punch someone, then say "Cup of tea mate".
Not bad at all, but as 2K points out it is seriously overwritten in the directions.
Quote: sootyj @ February 20, 2008, 9:45 AMMaybe after kicking kid, he looks up see's himself in a mirror. Says "smart arse," and punches himself?
That would make it into a very different sketch indeed.
Better? Possibly.
Worse? Possibly.
Neither better nor worse? Possibly.
Funny? Definitely.
Thanks for all feedback, fellow funny folk, whether genuine and intelligent, jealously malicious or well-intentioned but ill-informed.
Any more? 
Would I be right in thinking this Foxy character is the 'Eat My Shirts' mammal who used to troll these parts?
I think now is the right time and place to ask:
David Bussell, will you ever license any David Bussell dolls?
Quote: David Bussell @ February 20, 2008, 7:10 PMWould I be right in thinking this Foxy character is the 'Eat My Shirts' mammal who used to troll these parts?
All I'm saying is I was the first of the gang with a gun in my hand, the first to do time and I'll be the first of the gang to die.
And you're standing on my streets.
Hector? Is that you?
FOXYBOX HIGH-FIVES WINTERLIGHT.
Quote: Charley @ February 20, 2008, 3:52 PMeven the majority of old ladies I used to care for swear.
Why - did you abuse them you vicious woman?
I was actually seeing this as the kind of semi-humourless but foul-mouthed sketch that some forum members of the past have objected to.
I didn't laugh. But thanks for trying. Hard.