Hi all,
I would appreciate some feedback and comments on my first short film.
It's titled Dirty Laundry. The film is an inquisitive look at interaction between opposite sexes, in a way that challenges both the stereotypes and facts of communication.
Hope you enjoy it.
Frank
Very slick, professional, well-filmed, well-acted, with a "twist" that I didn't see coming... On the downside, it's not funny, and your description, "an inquisitive look at interaction between opposite sexes, in a way that challenges both the stereotypes and facts of communication" made it sound incredibly dreary. If you described it as quirky pseudo-porn you'd be nearer the mark, and you'd probably get more viewers.
Thank you for taking the time to view my film. Very good point about the description, I think that was more of a university influence!
When I say comedy, I don't mean laugh out loud wet your pants comedy, I think there is a good sense of subtle humour within the film. I really appreciate your comments though so thanks again.
kinda obvious and kinda dull, it's a simple joke over stretched with not very interesting lines.
Sorry not a fan.
Thank you for watching sootyj. What did you find obvious about the story?
Well its difficult too describe it feels like quite 101 dialogue, he's a bloke doing his laundry, she's a flirty woman, then he's insensitive and she's bored. There's not anything that gives them extra character, or individuality. So you hear them and it's like you don't know anything new about them, or how they interract it's all on the surface.
The safe word punchline would work, if it came from a genuinely scary or disturbing setting. And the final punchline would work if it wasn't so built up.
That is the point though, it's a roleplay, and they're novices. Because they are new to it, they haven't developed 'characters'. I disagree that you don't know anything new about them, the whole reveal is finding something quite new about them. I do agree that it is mostly on the surface in the laundrette scene, but like Edward said above, it's a psuedo-porno and that is why the dialogue is kept simple.
Also I believe the second half is a genuinely disturbing setting, within reason. Not forgetting that they are married so she wouldn't take things too far if you understand.
Once again though thank you for watching the film and taking the time to reply. I'm still a young film maker and this was my first real effort at it. I'm taking all of the comments on board and hope to continually improve.
It's because the roleplay is all there is.
Basically we've got the role in the role play, which isn't especially lively.
But who playing the role play, whose the face behind the mask.
It's competently put together. But if it's going to sing, you need to say whose behind the mask.
Quote: sootyj @ 20th December 2013, 7:56 PM GMTIt's because the roleplay is all there is.
Basically we've got the role in the role play, which isn't especially lively.
But who playing the role play, whose the face behind the mask.
It's competently put together. But if it's going to sing, you need to say whose behind the mask.
Ok, I see where you are coming from. My intention with the characters is that in their role play , Steve wasn't all that into it and Lexi was frustrated by this (hence her taking things too far). Likewise, in their non roleplaying moments, they don't lead particularly interesting lives such is the need to spice things up.
I can understand that having these relatively 'normal' and plain lives might not create a totally rounded characters at first but it was more about the outcome and their reactions.
Thats the thing no one's that plain or ordinary, everyones got a story.
Soap operas make the boring c**ts who wash their underpants down the laundry every Wednesday have interesting lives. If youre seeing your own characters as dull or plain, then you're like a ninja in a florescent tutu with bells, or sprinter in a deep suit divers costume.
Some of the best comedy has been about the achingly mundane, seaside hotels, working in an office it's seeing what makes the characters tick. It's all about telling their stories.
I don't see the characters as dull, and they are clearly not that ordinary as they are roleplaying in a laundrette. By plain I mean of course they will have their unusual quirks like we all do, but I don't think this is the type of film to explore them?
It may just be my inexperience of writing films, as like I said this is my first attempt. It was a challenging script to write because they are essentially four characters. What I wanted to do was start the film with the audience thinking we are being introduced to two people who haven't met before. It is Steve's reluctance to hold a conversation which is a bit puzzling (as most men would in this situation). It's about Lexi not having control over the man (which she is used to) and when she shows her cleavage that's when things pick up.
In the warehouse scene, I wanted the audience to be shocked how the film had changed pace. By the point the watch goes off and the mood changes I feel the characters covered enough of their history to clue the audience up. Lexi mentions their marriage, and I think clues like this are enough to add depth. Just out of interest, how would you develop the characters?
For the record, I do own a fluorescent tutu.
I also own a flouresent tutu, maybe we go to the same clubs.
You're a new writer, looking for feedback, so I guess the last thing you're looking for is empty praise.
So praise, its paced well, its got 2 twists, its competently put together and it tells a story in 5 minutes. All of these are good skills.
But if you're looking on tips on how I'd suggest you improve. You need to have a setting, characters and combine them with story. You're characters are too thin, sorry.
Thank you for the praise! 
I appreciate your comments though, you have a lot of experience so it's nice of you to help me out. I have to make at least three more films before I graduate university so there is still time!
Cool what and where are you studying
nb I find a fun thing is too start with an impossible premise and build from there.
I'm studying film production at Staffordshire Uni. It's a pretty vast course, for example with this film I wrote, directed and produced it myself. very enjoyable course