Apologies to Kudos as I love LOM
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BLACK SCREEN SCREEN STARTS TO DISSOLVE TO PICTURE. THROUGH THE HAZE WE CAN SEE A MALE FIGURE LYING ON THE GROUND. HE’S WEARING A BROWN GROCER’S COAT AND HE’S UNCONCIOUS.
SLOWLY HE OPENS HIS EYES.
VOICEOVER:
My name is Khan Milar. I had an accident and woke up in 1973. Am I mad or in a coma? All I know is that I have to work out all of this and then I can find my way back home. Back to Tesco.
TITLES: LIFE IN SPAR BIG GLITZY THEME MUSIC PLAYS OVER
MONTAGE OF ACTIVITIES IN A 1970’S SMALL CORNER STORE CUM MINIMART. WE SEE KHAN WORKING THE BACON SLICER. A GIRL, SHARON, WEIGHING OUT SPUDS. CUSTOMERS COMING AND GOING. KHAN AND SHARON LOCKING THE SHOP UP AT NIGHT.
BLACK OUT:
FADE UP:
SC. 1 INT – CONVENIENCE STORE – DAY
KHAN IS STILL ON THE FLOOR SLOWLY COMING ROUND. SHARON IS STANDING OVER HIM.
SHARON:
Are you all right?
KHAN SITS UP WITH A START.
KHAN:
What is this place? Where am I? Where’s my superstore?
SHARON:
Superstore? What are you on about Mr Khan?
KHAN:
I'm the manager of Tesco Pease Pottage. What's happening here?
SHARON:
Take it easy Mr Khan. You were out here in the stockroom getting some tins of Spam and I heard this awful crashing sound. I ran out and found you here on the floor spark out.
KHAN:
Call security!
SHARON:
Security? I think that bump on the head’s turned you a bit funny Mr Khan. Do you mean the police?
KHAN:
What the hell's happening here? This is the Tesco Superstore Pease Pottage. Where’s your uniform?
SHARON:
I don’t know what you’re talking about Mr Khan. This is the Spar Minimart Bolton. I think maybe I should call the doctor.
KHAN GETS UNSTEADILY TO HIS FEET AND PUSHES THROUGH THE MULTI-COLOURED TAPE CURTAIN. HE EMERGES THROUGH THE CURTAIN AND STANDS BEHIND THE COUNTER OF A SMALL SHOP.
KHAN:
What’s going on here. Where’s the fish counter? What’s happened to my seasonal goods aisle?
KHAN LOOKS SKYWARDS. THERE’S AN OLD TV FIXED TO THE WALL ON A BRACKET. THE SCREEN FIZZLES A BIT AND A FAINT OUTLINE OF JAMIE OLIVER APPEARS ON THE SCREEN.
JAMIE:
Khan me old mate! Hang on son. Pukka! Wickid pal.
THE SCREEN FIZZLES AGAIN AND GOES BLANK.
FADE OUT:
SC. 2 INT - THE SPAR SHOP - DAY
KHAN IS BEHIND THE COUNTER AND SHARON IS STACKING SHELVES WITH FRAY BENTOS PIES.
KHAN:
This is crazy I shouldn't be here. I was in my office talking to a Rep from Aunt Bessie and the next thing I know I'm in this crummy little corner store.
SHARON:
If I were you Mr Khan I'd watch out. Calling the store crummy when Mr Punt, the area manager, is due isn't a good idea. He got rid of Mr Singh for a lot less.
KHAN:
I don't care Sharon and I'll tell you why. This isn't real. In a minute I'll waken up and have a meeting about injecting perfumes into front-of-store to make the customer susceptible to increased buying trends.
SHARON:
Can I have that in English Mr Khan?
KHAN:
Oh never mind Sharon.
AT THAT MOMENT A SCREECH OF BRAKES IS HEARD OFF. SECONDS LATER THE SHOP DOOR IS NEARLY RIPPED OFF ITS HINGES AS JED PUNT ENTERS THE SHOP.
PUNT:
Stand by your display cabinets you bunch of northern nonces. You must be Khan.
KHAN:
And you are?
PUNT:
Jed Punt. Spar area manager and your guvnor sunshine. Right pal it's time for a crash course in doing things the Punt way.
See those two little gits over there by the biscuit section? We both know they aren't buying so how are we gonna deal with them?
KHAN:
I'd send the store security guard over to stand by them and get him to hang about. That ought to put them off and make them leave.
PUNT:
Wrong pal. Here's what to do.
PUNT CROSSES OVER TO WHERE THE KIDS ARE HANGING AROUND. HE PICKS ON THE BIGGEST ONE AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE STOMACH.
PUNT:
Right you two, f**k off or I'll break your necks!
THE TWO KIDS LEG IT OUT OF THE STORE.
PUNT:
So near, so Spar. That's the Spar way and don't you forget it. Don't give me any of that Nancy-boy marketing shit. All those bastards know is the school of hard knocks.
Right let's look at your bacon figures for the week.
CUT TO:
SC.3 INT - SPAR BACK OFFICE - NIGHT
KHAN IS ALONE CASHING UP. HE'S INPUTTING FIGURES INTO AN ADDING MACHINE. C/U ON THE DISPLAY. IT SHIMMERS FOR A MOMENT AND THEN WE CAN JUST MAKE OUT JAMIE OLIVER'S FACE.
JAMIE:
Khan me old mate hang in there. We’re trying to get you back but you've had an accident. Your Microwave oven developed a technical fault and the infra-red rays have acted on your brain and put you into a coma.
But don't give up. We've got our top people working on this. Just keep the faith and we'll get you back.
KHAN:
Jamie! Help me! Don't leave me here it's terrible. They've never heard of loyalty cards or computerised stock control and the closest thing to a sophisticated product is a Vesta beef curry. I don't think I can stand it much longer.
CUT TO:
SC4. INT - THE SPAR STORE - DAY
KHAN IS BEHIND THE COUNTER. SHARON IS SERVING A CUSTOMER.
SHARON:
There you go Mrs Simpson, three new pence change. Bye now.
MRS SIMPSON EXITS THE SHOP. A SCREECH OF BRAKES OFF.
KHAN:
Get the door Sharon quickly before Punt gets it.
PUNT ENTERS THE SHOP.
PUNT:
Right you wassocks, it's time to look and learn. Head office isn't happy with the figures in this branch so we need some add-on sales. Pronto! I'll serve the next customer.
THE DOOR OPENS AND AN ELDERLY LADY COMES IN. SHE APPROACHES THE COUNTER. PUNT STEPS FORWARD.
PUNT:
Right love what is it today?
LADY:
I'll have two slices of cooked ham please.
PUNT PUTS THE COOOKED HAM INTO THE SLICER AND CUTS 4 SLICES.
PUNT:
There you go darling.
LADY:
Oh err...
PUNT:
Problem is there?
LADY:
You've done 4 slices but I only wanted 2.
PUNT:
No you wanted 4! I distinctly heard you. What do you want me to do with them other two now? They're useless. You'll have to buy them.
LADY:
I can only afford two I'm afraid.
PUNT:
Right get out love! You're barred. Bloody time waster.
LADY:
But the nearest Tesco is five miles away. It's two buses.
PUNT:
Should have thought of that darling before wasting my cooked ham. But you're in luck I'm in a good mood. Buy all four slices and you're not barred.
LADY:
OK I'll have all four.
PUNT TURNS ASIDE TO KHAN AND SHARON.
PUNT:
Kerrrrrr-ching! Got it you two? Right Mrs, we have a special on Findus Crispy Pancakes. Two boxes for £1-50. I'll put you down for four.
CUT TO:
SC.5 INT - THE SPAR STORE - DAY
KHAN AND SHARON IN THE STORE.
KHAN:
That lady that Jed Punt ripped off earlier. She mentioned a Tesco five miles away. Where is it?
SHARON:
It's in the high street just beside Timothy Whites.
KHAN:
Mind the store Sharon, I've got something to do.
CUT TO:
SC.6 EXT - TESCO STORE - DAY
A TRIUMPH TOLEDO DRIVES UP TO THE STORE AND PARKS OUTSIDE. KAHN GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND GOES INTO THE STORE:
CUT TO:
SC.7 INT - TESCO STORE - DAY
KHAN GOES TO THE TILLS WHERE THERE ARE THREE CASHIERS.
KHAN:
Can I speak to the manager please?
CASHIER (INTO TANNOY):
Mr Shipwright to the check-outs please.
SHIPWRIGHT COMES OUT OF AN OFFICE IN THE CORNER OF THE STORE.
SHIPWRIGHT:
W-w-w-what's all the f-f-fuss? Paw-paw-pauline?
CASHIER:
Gentleman asking for you Mr Shipwright.
KAHN:
You've gotta help me Mr Shipwright. I'm just like you. I'm a Tesco manager.
