Skit Comp 15 - 22.12.13

Thanks for another cool skitcomp and congratulations to GAPPY, OTTERFOX and STONKED and for winning. Please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject for next wank.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy, Otterfox, Stonked
1 - 5 - Tursiops

Your new subject: PHOTOS (chosen by Carlos Manwelly) or STYLE (chosen by Stonked).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 22.12.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Stonked
2 - 15 - Jakob Jensen
3 - 12 - Otterfox
4 - 11 - Gappy, Carlos Manwelly
5 - 10 - Playfull
6 - 5 - Sootyj, Stephen Goodlad, Mr Sunshine, Tursiops
7 - 1 - Charleywolf

1: Evening!

2: Oh, hi.

1: Just coming over to the buffet for some crisps. Chips and dips. [Silly voice] Aargh, I've got a dip problem, help me!

2: Ha ha, quite.

1: Oh, hello! Bit of carrot, there. Healthy option. Good man.

2: Yes, yes. [Pause] So, are you friends with Lucy?

1: Lucy, yep, that's the one. Known her since she was at Turner, Turner & Turner. [Another comedy voice] Many mooooons ago! Sorry, I'm John.

2: Oh, yes. Alvin.

1: Alvin. Put it there! If you don't I'll only be at the crisps again [Light slap] Ooh! Slap hands!

2: Yes. Yes. Well, it was nice to meet you, errm John, I'll just be nipping -

1: You got any children, Alvin?

2: Hmm? Erm, no, not me. [Beat] Do - do you?

1: Oh yes! A bonny young girl, Gemma. Look, I've got a photo.

2: Yes. Very nice.

1: Yes. And this is a photo of me with Gemma on the day she was born. To prove it.

2: Erm...good.

1: I mean, it's hard to tell it's her, because she's only 40 minutes old, but you can sort of see with the nose.

2: Riii-iight.

1: So, what are you driving these days, Alvin?

2: These days? That's a strange...A Prius.

1: Good motor. I've got a Jag. An old XJ6 - bit clunky, but reliable as all hell.

2: That's nice to - oh, you've got a photo of that as well.

1: Course. And the MOT log book, look.

2: Yes. Well, it's been very -

1: All the services, it's all here. Proof. That's my signature.

2: That's fine, I do believe you.

1: That *is* my signature. I can - hang on, I'll grab that napkin and...there you go. Find a difference. Go on, find one! Can you?

2: Not really, no.

1: No. Bloody well can't. My signature, that is. My car; my daughter. But I came here by bike tonight, 'cause I knew I might have a beer. I only live in Baldon Street.

2: Do you really? Well I never. Well, I must be getting back to, err...

1: It's got my postcode on, the bike. I didn't nick it. Here, hang on, hold this.

2: What are you doing?

1: I'm trying to find my ultraviolet torch, then you can come out and see the postcode on my bike.

2: I don't want to!

1: No, just to clear it up, though, beyond any doubt.

2: I believe everything you're telling me, John, why wouldn't I?

1: Alright, Alvin, no need to get upset.

2: I believe you, and, what's more, John, I don't care! Now, go away!

1: That's charming, that is. I was just trying to be friendly.

2: I don't need proof of who you are, I just want proof that you're going to f**k off.

1: [Tearful] Right, well, if that's how you want it, I'll go.

2: Good!

1: Leave the party. I know when I'm being as burden. Go. Sling my hook. Go back to Benton Street.

2: You said Baldon Street!

1: [Thick Russian accent] Damn!

2: Control, come in! We have a code 724, repeat 724. I've apprehended Androvic!

1: [Accent] Tricked by your devious cunning, curse you, capitalist filth.

[Door slams. There is a lady's scream, and the sound of massed marching boots]

2: That's right, boys, take him away.

1: [Accent] Before I go, I have one question.

2: Yes, Androvic, you murderous swine?

1: [Accent] Can I take the crisps? They're really nice.

ARAB: Hey mister, you want to buy some photos?

TOURIST: No thank you.

ARAB: Photos of my sister? She very sexy.

TOURIST: Well...

ARAB: Here. You like?

TOURIST: (PAUSE) Is that a niquab?

ARAB: (INDIGNANT) She is my sister!

TOURIST: Okay, but why would I...

ARAB: Look at her eyes. Are they not lovely?

TOURIST: They are rather alluring.

ARAB: Her lashes are like the lashes of the camel.

TOURIST: It does make me curious to see more.

ARAB: Maybe I take you to her?

TOURIST: I am not sure...

ARAB: Her legs they are long and strong, like the legs of the camel.

TOURIST: Hmm, not so much a leg man...

ARAB: And she has the big booby.

TOURIST: Just the one? (PAUSE) She's a dromedary isn't she?

ARAB: She can go all night. And without any water.

TOURIST: You are trying to pimp me your camel?

ARAB: You have gone very pale my friend?

TOURIST: I was just thinking about camel toes. Four of them...

END.

A DELIVERY MAN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A DOOR IN A HALLWAY AND KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. THE DOOR IS OPENED BY AN OLD LADY.

DELIVERY MAN: I'm here to deliver your ordered eraser rubber.

OLD LADY: [squeaky voice] How lovely. I really needed that for my crosswords. But where is my money to pay you? Can you come in for a while? I know it's here somewhere.

DELIVERY MAN: Well alright then.

THE MOMENT THE DELIVERY MAN ENTERS THE FLAT THE OLD LADY LOCKS THE DOOR.

F/X: CLICK

OLD LADY: [squeaky voice] Where did I put my money?

THE OLD LADY LOOKS AT THE TV TABLE AND FINDS A PHOTOALBUM

OLD LADY: [squeaky voice] What do you know, this is my travel selfie album. Look here young man this is me and the Eiffel tower and this is me with the Mona Lisa and here I am with the pyramids.

DELIVERY MAN: Sorry I don't have time to watch photos.

OLD LADY: [squeaky voice] Ahh yes, the money, where did I put them?

THE OLD LADY LOOKS IN A CHEST AND FINDS A NEW PHOTOALBUM.

OLD LADY: [squeaky voice] What do you know, this is all my selfies with my favourite foods. Look, here I'm eating a Salmon sandwich and here I'm eating some mashed potatoes and here I'm eating some different mashed potatoes.

DELIVERY MAN: The money?

OLD LADY: [squeaky voice] Uhh I'm sooo forgetful. It's like that getting very old. Maybe on the dinner table, let's see. What do you know here is my nude selfie photoalbum. Look here it's me nude on the balcony and here I'm nude at a duck pond I use to go to and here is me carried out nude from a bus by two nice police officers, this picture is from the news paper you know.

DELIVERY MAN: Ok didn't need to see that. Why are you in all of your pictures?

OLD LADY: [squeaky voice] Well it's pictures. You take them to see yourself do stuff, why ells do you want a picture?

DELIVERY MAN: I have to go now.

OLD LADY: [squeaky voice] Wait, now I remembered where my money are.

30 MIN LATER

DELIVERY MAN: Look lady now I have seen your selfies of your travels, eating food, knitting, watching TV, NUDE DAY, playing bingo, playing solitaire on your computer, standing different places in your living room, reading books and God knows what. We will send you a bill. Do you have anything more to say?

OLD LADY: [squeaky voice] Keep that position I just want to take a selfie with you.

WOMAN 1 is looking at a school photograph of her old class

WOMAN 1 - I've bided my time to get my revenge. You'll pay for your crimes. You'll pay for what you did to me

Cut to. INT. School dining hall.
WOMAN 1 in school uniform walks to the till in the canteen

WOMAN 1 - A vegi burger please

STAFF - Sorry she got the last one (POINTS to WOMAN 2)

WOMAN 1 - Bitch

STAFF - I could pop another one in for you

WOMAN 1 - If only it was that simple

WOMAN 1 draws a red cross on WOMAN 2's face and laughs manically

EXT. Street.
WOMAN 1 is following WOMAN 2. She catches up with her down an alley and throws her to the ground

WOMAN 1 - I've been waiting for this moment for a long time

WOMAN 1 lays on top of WOMAN 2 hindering our view. WOMAN 1 runs away laughing. Reveal a confused looking WOMAN 2 who has a red cross drawn on her face

END

WAKIPEDIA

TOM and DICK in the PUB:

TOM 'Ere Dick, you heard o' that innovative technological breakthrough?

DICK (thinks) No. What's it called?

TOM Computer.

DICK Smart! What's it do?

TOM Every-bleedin'-thing. Like there's this Shittypedophile... I mean Wikipedia.

DICK What's that do?

TOM Every-f**king-thing! Like yesterday I was looking at Wikipedia and needed a shit. So I wiped me jacksie with it.

DICK Awesome!

TOM Or I was looking at Wikipedia and then out the window and saw that Harry Styles bloke outa One Erection. So I lobbed it at him, broke his jaw in twelve different places.

DICK Style!

TOM Or I was looking at Wikipedia when my kid farted. So I shoved it up his butthole, he never pumped again.

DICK Sorted!

TOM Or me kid needed help doing research for his history project.

DICK What you do?

TOM Sent him down the reference library.

CAN YOU TAKE A PICTURE PLEASE?

EXTERNAL - PARK BENCH. A YOUNG COUPLE ARE SITTING DOWN KISSING AND BEING ALL LOVEY WITH EACH OTHER. HOLDING HANDS, AND GAZING INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES.

THE GIRL REACHES INTO HER POCKET AND REMOVES HER PHONE, AND AS THEY ARE KISSING SHE TRIES TO TAKE A PICTURE. IT LOOKS AWKWARD AS SHE HOLDS OUT HER HAND IN FRONT OF HER.

Boy: What are you doing?

Girl: I want a picture of us kissing in the park, for my Facebook profile picture.

Boy: Aww yeah that would be nice, and I can put it on mine as well, and tweet it to all my friends.

Girl: It's hard to take a photo while we are kissing, it doesn't look natural. I don't want it to look staged or like one of those silly selfies people do.

Boy: Yeah, I know what you mean, and it would look really nice in black and white as well, with a vignette around it.

Girl: You try taking it as we kiss see if you can do it any better.

Boy: Wait there. There's a guy walking towards us, I'll ask him.

A MAN IS WALKING BY, AS HE REACHES THE LOVED UP COUPLE THE BOY CALLS OUT TO HIM.

Boy: Excuse me mate. Would you mind taking a picture of us?

Man: Not at all. It's a beautiful day and why not capture the moment.

Boy: Aww thanks mate.

THE BOY HANDS THE PHONE TO THE MAN AND SHOWS HIM HOW TO USE IT, AND EXPLAINS HE WANT A PICTURE OF THEM KISSING.

THE MAN MOVES INTO POSITION TO TAKE THE PHOTO, AND THE BOY AND GIRL START SLOBBERING OVER EACH OTHER.

MAN TAKES THE PICTURE.

Man: There we are it looked great.

Boy: Could you take another one, just to make sure?

Man: Yes course I can, my wife always says to take 2 pictures just to be on the safe side.

AND SO THE RITUAL BEGINS AGAIN, BOY AND GIRL GET SLOPPY MAN TAKES A PICTURE.

Man: I think that one was better, there was a shift in the clouds behind you and the light looked really nice.

Girl: Would you mind uploading the picture to my Facebook, just click the letter F on the bottom of the screen?

THE MAN LOOKS A BIT CONFUSED BUT POLITELY DOES AS SHE ASKS.

Girl: That's great, thanks

Boy: You couldn't tweet it for us as well could you? It's the big button on the right with the letter T on it.

THE MAN LOOKS A BIT IMPATIENT, BUT HE DOES AS THE BOY ASKS.

Girl: Could you add a hashtag to it as well? #lovedupinthepark? Click the white box and a keyboard will pop up.

THE MAN WHO IS A REALLY NICE GUY, BUT IS GETTING VERY IMPATIENT COMPLIES AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME HIS PATIENTS HAS RUN OUT AND HE QUICKLY GIVES THE PHONE BACK.

Man: Listen mate I really do have to go now.

Girl: Sorry for taking up your time, and thanks a lot, that was very kind of you.

Boy: Aww thanks mate, sorry to keep you.

Man: It's ok. You know what?

Girl: What

Boy: What

Man: That picture would look really nice in black and white with a vignette around it.

END

INT. A DETACHED BUNGALOW SOMEWHERE IN NORFOLK - HOME TO A MARRIED COUPLE IN THEIR EARLY 70s
CHRISTMAS CARDS, VARIOUS DECORATIONS, COLOURED TAPES AND A BOX OF DRAWING PINS ARE ON A TABLE BY A SIDE WINDOW

FX - A CHRISTMAS CAROL CD PLAYS SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND

MRS-M PAUSES FROM DECORATING A CHRISTMAS TREE TO PEER THROUGH THE NET CURTAINS

MRS-M
Bloody cheek. Those filthy-minded aerial installers working next door have stood their ladder in our drive. Go and tell them to move it.

MR-M
Filthy Minded Aerial Installers? Funny name for a business.

MRS-M
Offensive filth like that shouldn't be allowed on a van. Look at it. "Outstanding erections. Service with a smile. Satisfaction guaranteed." Disgusting. Go on, go and sort them out before they disappear inside and start spit-roasting the old widow.

MR-M
I was just about to make a pot of tea.

MRS-M
No you weren't. You're just making an excuse because you don't want to have to talk to them.

MR-M
I'd rather not make a fuss. Not at Christmas.

MRS-M
Not at Christmas? Not at any time, don't you mean? It's not your style, is it, being a real man? When are you going to grow a pair of balls?

MR-M
I'll give them twenty minutes, and if they haven't moved it by then, I'll register my disapproval.

MRS-M
Bravo. So what will you do, throw a toffee paper at their van?

MR-M
And why not? Sometimes a simple gesture is enough. Something to dissipate the aggravation. You should try it.

MRS-M
Bollocks. Nothing beats a heartfelt "F**k off". And that's what they're going to get from me.

SHE STORMS ACROSS THE ROOM AND EXITS THROUGH THE DOORWAY.

Mr-M GIVES HER THE V-SIGN WITH BOTH HANDS AS SHE DISAPPEARS. HE THEN DARTS OVER TO THE WINDOW AND UNLEASHES A BARRAGE OF TWO-FINGERED SALUTES AT THE TWO WORKMEN, NEITHER OF WHOM SEES HIM.

MR-M
Take that, you filthy-minded erectile pieces of shitting pervert bastard f**kers.

HE THEN FORMS HIS HANDS INTO GUN SHAPES WHICH HE POINTS AT THE WORKMEN. HE MAKES A NUMBER OF SHOOTING NOISES AND THEN BLOWS IMAGINARY SMOKE FROM HIS FINGER TIPS BEFORE SLIPPING HIS FINGER-GUNS INTO IMAGINARY HOLSTERS AT HIS SIDE.

MR-M (CONT'D)
My work here is done.

HE TURNS AND SWAGGERS ACROSS THE ROOM TOWARDS THE DOORWAY. HE RAISES HIS RIGHT HAND AND TIPS THE RIM OF AN IMAGINARY STETSON WITH HIS THUMB AND FOREFINGER.

HE THEN NOTICES THAT HIS WIFE IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY

MR-M (CONT'D)
Oh. All done? That was quick.

MRS-M
They were both dead, flopped out in the drive like a couple of limp dicks. My work there had already been done.

MR-M
Oh yes, very funny. Have a laugh, why don't you.

MRS-M
They'd already moved the ladder. You can make that pot of tea, now.

MR-M (BOWS MOCKINGLY)
Of course. I'll get straight onto it.

HE GOES OUT INTO THE HALL, AND ONCE UNSIGHTED TURNS AND GIVES HIS WIFE A BARRAGE OF ONE-FINGERED SALUTES

MRS-M (V.O.)
I know what you're doing. Stop it.

GRINDING HIS FALSE TEETH HE FITS HIS IMAGINARY RIGHT-HAND GUN WITH AN IMAGINARY SCREW-ON SILENCER. HE STEADIES HIS RIGHT HAND WITH HIS EXTENDED LEFT ARM AND FIRES SEVERAL SHOTS IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF HIS WIFE, EACH SHOT FOLLOWED BY AN IMPRESSIVE RECOIL. HE THEN SILENTLY BLOWS THE IMAGINARY SMOKE FROM HIS IMAGINARY GUN AND HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN.

MRS-M TAKES A DRAWING PIN FROM THE TABLE, PUSHES THE POINT THROUGH THE SOLE OF A MAN'S SLIPPER, PUTS HER HAND IN AND FEELS AROUND. SHE LOOKS AT A PINPRICK INDENTATION AT THE TIP OF HER INDEX FINGER, SMILES, AND THEN PLACES THE SLIPPER NEXT TO HER HUSBAND'S CHAIR. SHE SITS BACK IN HER CHAIR AND SMIRKS.

END

Tursiops for me

Jakob was fun, and blahblah nicely daft, but that was a great sketch from gappy.

Tursiops for me.

Close calls for Blah Blah and Tursiops, but Jakob gets my vote this week. The only problem I have with the sketch is that old women don't take "selfies", only young people do, and they don't tend to print them out. The sketch would be equally funny if she were just referring to her "snapshot albums" or something.

Happy skit comp Christmas : )

Tursiops for me this week. And Merry Christmas to you all. And a big thanks to Mr Monkhouse for the Running the Skit comp.

Ah thank you! And another vote for Tursiops. I'm leaving this open a bit longer so I can spend the festive season drinking and sleeping. Best wishes and thanks for all your entries.