Got a new laptop and so have been having a tidy up of the old hard-drive and found these... well they made me smile...
How to Get Ahead in Comedy. Part I
INT. IN A BEDROOM SOMEWHERE - DAY
STEVEN
What's first then?
STEPHEN
First? First we need some names.
STEVEN
We appear to already have some.
STEPHEN
Do we?
STEVEN
Yes, just above what we're saying.
STEPHEN
Oh yeh. So I'm Stephen and your...?
STEVEN
Steven.
STEPHEN
Right... Next?
STEVEN
The set up.
STEPHEN
Set up?
STEVEN
Where we are. Who we are, that sort
of stuff. It sets the scene and
helps to "Set up" the gag.
STEPHEN
Then?
STEVEN
Then... then the body of the
sketch, some witty lines, a gag or
two, in character of course, all
leading to the - Ba-Dum-Ching!
STEPHEN
The punchline?
STEVEN
Correct.
STEPHEN
How long does it have to be?
STEVEN
Two, three minutes max.
STEPHEN
Three minutes. That's nearly ten
sketches a show... That's...
(He starts to count on his
fingers)
...sixty different ideas for a
series... Seems like a lot of hard
work to me. Can't we just create
some grotesques and a catch-phrase.
STEVEN
Original... I like it.
(Beat)
We're in a night club...
STEPHEN
I'm dressed as a geek. Sort of I.T.
meets Accounts. Bad hair, bad
teeth, bad breath...
STEVEN
I'm at the bar -
STEPHEN
Dressed as a middle-aged woman -
STEVEN
But get this, wearing the sort of
gear girls wear for a big night on
the town..
STEPHEN
Mini skirt..
STEVEN
Crop top...
STEVEN/STEPHEN(TOGETHER)
Two sizes to small... Genius...
STEVEN
I stagger over to you and say...
STEPHEN
...Can you see my minge?
STEVEN
Brilliant, our first catch-phrase.
Okay we just need six more versions
of that sketch.
STEPHEN
Half a dozen more characters...
STEVEN
Series written. Bang it in an
envelope. BBC3 here we come.
STEPHEN
Pub?
STEVEN
Pub.
END.
How to Get Ahead in Comedy. Part II
INT. BEDROOM - SOME WHERE IN ENGLAND - DAY
STEPHEN
Of course, Sit-Coms are where the
money is...
STEVEN
And the kudos.
STEPHEN
Well yes of course the kudos.
STEVEN
Cash and kudos.
STEPHEN
But we wouldn't be doing it for
those reasons.
STEVEN
Wouldn't we?
STEPHEN
No... we would be doing it as an
exercise in character development.
To see how far we could push the
envelope of a tired and jaded
format.
STEVEN
So you're saying we should throw
out the rule book.
STEPHEN
Yes.
STEVEN
Mess with the audiences
expectations.
STEPHEN
Yes.
STEVEN
Say to hell with the usual
conventions.
STEPHEN
Yes. We shall explode the myth of
the British Sit-Com.
STEVEN
Cult viewing on BBC3.
STEPHEN
BAFTA'S....
STEVEN
EMMY'S....
STEPHEN
The golden Rose of Montreux....
STEPHEN + STEVEN
(With awe)
The viewers choice....
STEPHEN
First of all we need a protagonist.
Some one the viewer will love to
hate. A character they will
recognise, but not as themselves.
Some one pompous, overbearing and
with a leaning to grandiose
ideas....
STEVEN
You mean like Basil Fawlty, Captain
Mainwaring, that Extra's bloke...
STEPHEN
Okay, so that's been done. How
about some one weak, ineffectual,
some one the audience can pity...
STEVEN
Sorry, Ever Decreasing Circles...
STEPHEN
No don't apologise....
STEVEN
No, Sorry, Ronnie Corbett...
STEPHEN
Oh, yes...
STEVEN
Look this all seems like rather
hard work... Can't we just go for
the cash.
STEPHEN
 White middle class family...
STEVEN
Dysfunctional dad...
STEPHEN
Ditsy mum...
STEVEN
Two teenage kids....
STEPHEN
Older girl, younger boy...
STEVEN
Set in an unidentified posh area of
North London...
STEPHEN
Slightly eccentric
neighbour/relative/work
colleague/friend*....
STEVEN
*Delete as applicable.
STEPHEN
Plots?
STEVEN
Dad, trouble at work...
STEPHEN
Mum, trouble at home...
STEVEN
Boyfriend problems...
STEPHEN
Girlfriend problems...
STEVEN
Some one important is coming to
stay...
STEPHEN
Power cut... Spooky slapstick.
STEVEN
Perfect.
STEPHEN
First series done.
STEVEN
Bang it in an envelope.
STEPHEN
Friday night eight-thirty BBC1,
here we come...
STEVEN
Pub?
STEPHEN
Pub.
END.
