Ho-oh Hostess Club (Sitcom Pilot)

This is the first 12 pages of my attempt at a sitcom pilot. I'd appreciate some constructive feedback. I've been working on it for a while now, and it's getting to the point where I think my continuing edits are as likely to harm it as improve it. (edited for format)

HO-OH HOSTESS CLUB

"Carly's first day"

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. UNIVERSITY BAR - DAY

Students chat in groups, or sit alone with books/laptops.
Some have coffees, but only Alex, looking a bit worse for
wear, nurses a pint, as Frederick sits down next to him.

FREDERICK
You're here.

ALEX
Not for class.

Alex offers his drink as evidence.

ALEX
I'm dropping off that essay.

FREDERICK
How late is it now?

ALEX
(looks at wall-clock: 8:45)
Nine hours after midnight.

FREDERICK
Your essay.

ALEX
Two weeks.

FREDERICK
20 marks gone.

ALEX
18. There was a bank holiday.

FREDERICK
This was the one about..?

ALEX
That bit in history where Miho's
family get all uppity, yeah.

FREDERICK
So your relationship with your
celebrity girlfriend ends and
you're slagging her off in print.

ALEX
If anything I've been sickeningly
complimentary about what a good
job her ancestors did of
overthrowing the Bakufu. Each
time I saw her family name it was
another arrow through my chest.

FREDERICK
Them long-dead feudal lords of
old-Kagoshima are out for your
blood, huh?

ALEX
Now there's a box office smash.

FREDERICK
Go on. I'm JJ'Brams. Sell it me.

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - NIGHT

A large zombie horde dressed in Samurai armour make their
way forward slowly, but with military resolve.

ALEX (V.O.)
Samurai Zombies march on a
modern-day Britain...

The leader is a thin, beautiful, stoic Japanese woman in
her early-20s; albeit recognisably dead.

ALEX (V.O.)
Miho leads them.

Miho casts a gaze over her army.

ALEX (V.O.)
(As Clive Owen in 'Sin
City')
Un-deadly little Miho...

INT. UNIVERSITY BAR - DAY

Frederick laughs.

FREDERICK
And what would we call this fine
artistic endeavor?

ALEX
Anglo-Satsuma War Z.
(beat)
or just Shimazu Miho: Zombie
Princess.

FREDERICK
I'm sure she'd love that.

ALEX
Enough to engender
reconciliation?

Frederick shrugs.

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - NIGHT

Zombie Miho looks at the camera. She shakes her head: no.

INT. UNIVERSITY BAR - MORNING

Carly arrives and takes a seat.

CARLY
Alright.

ALEX
Carly.

FREDERICK
How do.

Frederick points at the drink in Carly's hand.

FREDERICK
I know why he's drinking, why are
you drinking?

CARLY
Sorry, dad, am I not allowed?

Frederick's hands go up- he won't pry any further.

ALEX
So have you thought any more
about the job?

FREDERICK
What job?

CARLY
He's trying to get me to work at
his hostess club.

FREDERICK
Jesus.

ALEX
It's good conversation practice.
You learn new words that they
don' teach you in class.

FREDERICK
Such as?

ALEX
(Japanese)
gaman-jiru.

CARLY
(after a pause)
"perseverance soup"?

ALEX
More like the soupy bi-product of
perseverance that is pre-come.

CARLY
This is your sales pitch to get
me to hook for you?

ALEX
I won't lie to you, Carly, your
Japanese vocab will be exposed to
nouns of a sexual nature.

CARLY
I think my mum would object.

ALEX
To short hours and good pay...?

FREDERICK
Are you only here to recruit for
your brothel?

ALEX
My hostess club.

FREDERICK
You say Tomato, I say (in
Japanese) to-ma-to.

ALEX
(with a shrug)
You say Potato, I say (in
Japanese) ja-gai-mo. See,
completely different.

CARLY
He's got you there.

FREDERICK
I don't know that he has. Anyway.

Frederick checks the time and stands.

FREDERICK
Here when I get back?

ALEX
Doubtful. It's approaching 34am.

CARLY
I'll be long gone.

FREDERICK
Bollocks t'yas then.

ALEX
Au revoir.

CARLY
Toodles.

Frederick departs with a wave. Carly moves next to Alex.

CARLY
So definitely not a brothel then?

ALEX
Definitely not a brothel, Carls.

CARLY
Alright, I'm interested. But if
I'm murdered I'm holding you
personally responsible.

ALEX
By all means. Just don't bring an
army of the dead back with you.

CARLY
What's that a reference to?

ALEX
Miho.

Carly budges up close and gives Alex a friendly barge-

CARLY
Cheer up. You're the discarded
plaything of a socialite now,
maybe there'll be a rush on you.

EXT. FIELD - DAY

Alex is thrown to the floor by Zombie Miho. The horde move
in on him quickly. He closes his eyes.

INT. UNIVERSITY BAR - MORNING

ALEX
One can only hope.

Carly smiles.

CARLY
But don't look at me though.

ALEX
Of course not. You're my bottom
bitch now. There's decorum.

Carly gives him a look. Alex grins.

FADE OUT

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. CARLY'S BEDROOM -DAY

Carly's phone wakes her up. She answers it groggily.

CARLY
Hello?

ALEX(V.O)
They want you t'come in tonight
and do a trial evening.

CARLY
Who do?

ALEX (V.O)
The hostess club.

CARLY
Alex?

EXT. STREET (LONDON) - DAY

Alex is on the move, talking into his mobile.

ALEX
Do you have anyone else grooming
you for the water trade?

INT. CARLY'S ROOM - DAY

CARLY
I'm thinking about garroting you
for wet work..?

ALEX (V.O)
Can you do it, or not?

CARLY
Tonight?

EXT. STREET (KNIGHTSBRIDGE) -DAY

A taxi pulls up.

ALEX (V.O)
Tonight.

Erika (Japanese, late-20's, long black hair) gets out of
the taxi. She looks around. She checks the time. She dials
but nobody picks up. She realises the taxi was an
unneccessary waste of money, and stomps her foot.

EXT. STREET (SOHO) - DAY

Alex walks up to a locked door and uses the intercom-

ALEX
(Japanese)
Alex desu. ('It's Alex.')

MANAGER (V.O)
(Japanese)
hai-. ('Okay.')

INT. HOSTESS CLUB, MAIN ROOM

Taku vacuums. The manager sits behind the counter drinking
take-out coffee.

ALEX/TAKU
(Japanese)
ohayo/ohayo. ('Hey.')

MANAGER
(Japanese)
ohayo.

ALEX
(Japanese)
ohayo gozaimasu. ('Hello.')

Alex heads into the closet to get changed.

INT. CARLY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Google image results: 'Japanese hostesses'. The cursor
hovers over an image of a hostess in a red dress.

CARLY
(in Japanese, practicing)
konnichi ha. konnichi ha.
konnichi ha? (sigh)

Carly replaces the girl on screen and delivers an enticing
'konnichi ha'. Carly in the room recoils, grabs her phone.

INT. HOSTESS CLUB, CLOSET

Alex buttons his waistcoat. In the pocket of his jeans,
pushed inside his bag, the incoming call goes unnoticed.

INT. CARLY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Carly shrugs to her mirror image. It's too late to cancel.

CARLY ..................CARLY
(Japanese)............ (subtitle)
kuso. ..................Shit.

She looks at her watch.

CARLY ..............CARLY
Shit! .............(subtitle)
................... kuso!

She grabs her keys, turns to leave and bangs her ankle.

CARLY
Shitting kuso!

INT. HOSTESS CLUB, BAR AREA

Taku rolls out a freestanding clothes rack full of
elegant/evening dresses to one side of the room. Each
hanger has a number on it.

LATER

Alex (now in black shoes, black tie, white shirt and a
waistcoat) is rolling moist towels into oshibori when
Erika enters.

ERIKA
(Japanese)
ohayo. ohayo gozaimasu.

ALEX
Evenin'.

MANAGER
(Japanese)
ohayo.

Erika examines the customer bottle placed on the bar.

ERIKA
What time's Sumida here from?

Alex checks the reservations.

ALEX
Nine.

ERIKA
(to manager)
Can I have him?

MANAGER
If you're not drinking champagne
after 30 mins I'll swap you out.

ERIKA
Sounds fair.
(to Alex)
Be less economical with the
alcohol you give me tonight. I
have sorrows to drown.

Alex places a rack full of oshibori in a toaster oven.

ALEX
(to Erika)
Bad day?

Alex starts filling bowls with crisps. The phone rings.

MANAGER
(into phone, Japanese)
konban ha. houou maneja- takagi
desu. donatasama deshou ka?
('Good evening. Ho-oh manager
Takagi speaking. What can I do
for you?')

ERIKA
A lousy day. I got stood up.

Alex pushes a bowl towards Erika.

MANAGER
(into phone, Japanese)
a, konban ha. ('Oh, hello.')

Erika helps herself to a crisp.

ERIKA ................................. MANAGER
Is it really so hard to .......... (into phone, Japanese)
ring ahead and say, y'know .......... kashikomarimashita.
"Sorry, I can't make it at ..........arigatou gozaimasu. omachi
the time I said I would?" ..........shite orimasu.('Understood.
.............................. Thank you. We're looking
................................... forward to your visit.')

The manager hangs up the phone.

MANAGER
Sumida-san's coming at 10 now.

Alex smiles and Erika groans theatrically.

MANAGER
What's wrong with Sumida?

ERIKA
Nothing, but now I have to wait
an extra hour before I can take
my sorrows by their necks and
watch the booze fill their lungs.

MANAGER
hai hai. ('yeah, yeah.') Don't
get too drunk tonight ne?

ERIKA
Alex will keep me safe.

ALEX
It's the upholstery she's worried
about.

MANAGER ..................... MANAGER
(Japanese) ................... (subtitle)
Alex ha kyou Carly no sewa ....Alex is going to be busy
de isogashii mon ne. .......watching over Carly.

ERIKA
Carly?

ALEX
I recruited a native.

ERIKA
To work here?

Alex nods. Erika's mood improves.

ERIKA
A new British friend? A new
British friend!

ALEX
Don't greet her like that.

Erika dances backwards to the karaoke room door, only to
knock an emerging Taku back inside with her elbow.

TAKU ...........................TAKU
(Japanese)....................(subtitle)
ite-!.............................Ow!!!!

ERIKA ....................................ERIKA
(Japanese) ............................(subtitle)
Taku-kun! gomennasai! Taku!............. I'm sorry! ...Hello!
..ohayo!

LATER

Alex is wiping the table tops.

MANAGER
(Japanese)
Alex-kun, koori kai ni itte
kureru?('Alex, can you go buy
some ice?')

Alex takes £20 from the manager.

MANAGER
Don't forget the receipt.

He stops to let Aya in.

ALEX
(Japanese)
ohayo.

Aya nods.

EXT. STREET (SOHO) - NIGHT

Alex walks off into Soho.

Carly approaches the entrance, takes a breath, and enters.

INT. HOSTESS CLUB, MAIN ROOM

Taku, bloodied tissue up his nose, is placing bottled
water on tables but freezes when he sees Carly.

TAKU
(nasally, Japanese)
maneja-! ('Manager!')

MANAGER
(to Carly)
Hello?
CARLY
Hello. Um, I'm Carly..?

It's an interesting concept and there's a lot of Japan-love in this country so I think it would appeal to many people. It's always good to get an insight into a different world.

I don't much like the title - or I don't get it not sure.

If its a sit com, it should be more grounded in one place really. I would consider cutting the whole uni bit and just have Carly and Alex in the club, going up the stairs, chatting then arriving. Or just throw her in straight away.

The subject matter is quirky but I don't think it's funny, yet. I wonder if the material - or your writing style lends itself more to a drama, a comedy drama maybe...

Okay, you're apparently 12 pages in, what is the story of this episode? That someone is going to start working somewhere? You must be almost halfway here and nothing much has happened.

The fantasy sequence, is this a regular thing or a one off, because you don't use them again. Either way, if you're going to drop some in, make them funny. They're an effort to produce, so make them worth it.

The world you're setting up is slightly confusing. They're at Uni, but then they're at this club that is what exactly? A brothel of some sort? What's the focus? Which world? Why not just forget the Uni angle and set it in the world of this club with a nervous, out of her depth new girl starting? Why have the extra baggage of some sort of student getting to practice the language?

There certainly aren't enough laughs in these opening twelve, though I did like when we returned to the zombie thing for the woman to shake her head in response. THAT'S a good way to use that sort of device.

Is that guy going out with some sort of celeb relevant later?

Chop down, focus. I don't get a strong immediate sense of who each character is and what makes them interesting and funny.

Those were just a few quick thoughts off the top of my head after a quick read, hope some of it helps.

Some good advice above, just wanted to say that I enjoyed what I read (about half of it). Well written, that's for sure. I'll try and read through it later when I have a little time and then let you know what I think. Good work though.

(edited for clarity and to apologise for quite a long post: um, sorry.)

Hi guys, thanks for the replies. I do appreciate them. Let me know if my attempts to justify the way I've written wins you over any.

I have gone back and forth on whether to cut the 'prologue', but my thoughts were that I wanted to introduce the titular club slowly, and show Carly and Alex in their 'natural' surroundings first.

Whether it needs to be in a university bar at 9am in the morning, I don't know, but I do intend to use the University as a set in later shows for giving impromptu language and cultural 'lessons', so I thought I'd get us established there early. We're following Alex and Carly down the rabbit hole into this world and out again, so my thoughts are that it's important to have us start and end in London. The hostess club exists for a finite time, and during that time they become different people. Also, for a Japanese audience, (if this were going to find a spot in that market) it's probably the London bit that will provide the 'hook'.

That said, if I were to cut it, his first foray into Soho for ice would be a nice 'twist', as there'd be no reason to reveal we're in London up until then. (-at which point you've already lost everyone because it's gone a bit too foreign?)

The club itself is a 'Japanese hostess club', something that's everywhere in Japan, with a handful dotted around world capitals. It's basically a very expensive bar where (usually) young women sit with you, keep your glass topped up, and engage in small talk. And that's it. And it costs a small fortune. But it's on the company account so no-one cares until it's time to get a taxi home, and then every pound matters...

Written down this is a third of the way through a 35 page script, and the story so far is:

A) Alex (who is possibly depressed) recruits Carly to work in his Hostess Club. Carly arrives at the hostess club. A guy called Sumida is running late.
B) Erika has been stood up. Erika is upset. Erika is looking forward to meeting Carly.

I cut it there because that's basically the set-up done. Here on out is Carly's first day beginning to end. Small introduction. Dress-change. Fretting. Demonstration. First customer! Karaoke. Drunk. Small commotion. Money! Home.

The title needs work. Maybe just 'Ho-oh' or 'The Soho Ho-oh' or just 'The Hostess Bar'. (No suggestions please, unless you're willing to surrender ownership of it to me for free! ) Hoou (pronounced Ho-oh) is the Japanese for a mythical Chinese Phoenix you see a lot on Japanese and Chinese decoration. It also rhymes with soho and has the word Ho! in it. You'd think it'd be the easiest thing to make funny.

The fantasy sequence. There's actually two, I'm not sure if I've written it clearly enough but Carly actually fantasises about herself as a Google image result. (That actually sounds like a good line: "Great. I'm fantasising about myself as a Google image result." ) Though for the remainder of the episode I don't think there is. There's a cut-away gag to Carly as a 14 year old gamer that I added last minute, but that's meant to be canon. With the budget Alex's doodles of his ex (also making a small appearance in ACT II) would be animated.
I'm also thinking, money-no-object, of the occasional on-screen text where-by the Japanese is coming up on screen as if watching an instructional video in language learning. Like sticking 'konban ha' (good evening), 'kuso' (shit), and 'gaman-jiru' (pre-come) at the end as today's vocab reviews.

I have tried to get the requisite amount of funny in there, there's at least one bit per page where you're given the opportunity to let out a chuckle, with a couple of belly laughs if the references hit. The University bar scene is actually where the jokes come at their thick and fastest, which bodes well for your thoughts on the next 23 pages.

I'm not sure where the line between sitcom and comedy drama is drawn...? I would be quite happy to re-categorise it, but it's more of a character piece than an intricate-plot driven drama...

Anyway, thanks for your feedback. Even if I don't end up changing much, you've definitely given me food for thought and I appreciate your taking the time!

Well, it's definitely an original concept and the lines are snappy.

However, I absolutely agree with Matthew.

Firstly story.

Quote: JaPi @ 14th December 2013, 1:08 PM GMT

Written down this is a third of the way through a 35 page script, and the story so far is:

A) Alex (who is possibly depressed) recruits Carly to work in his Hostess Club. Carly arrives at the hostess club. A guy called Sumida is running late.
B) Erika has been stood up. Erika is upset. Erika is looking forward to meeting Carly.

View original

This is not enough story for 12 pages. You can do that in three. I got bored reading your extract, primarily because I couldn't get a handle on the story or the world I was in.

Secondly - the laughs. I am always reticent to say I don't find something funny, because I know that tastes vary. I didn't really laugh, but that isn't to say that others won't. The question is, have you tried it out?

Get some people together, give them wine to help the laughs flow, and read out the script. Do they laugh where you think they should laugh? If they don't, cut it. It doesn't matter how funny you think it is.

Thirdly - the length. Standard sitcom length is 22 minutes (commercial channels) or 28 minutes (BBC). A crude estimate is a minute a page, so 35 will be too long.

I would consider cutting it down to sitcom length or bumping it up to an hour.

Just a quick word about your second post - are your a film student at all? Because to my mind, it all seems a bit over-thought, to the detriment of the work.

Sitcom is about a flawed group of people, emotionally and/or physically trapped in one place with hilarious results. (Declan and Simon's definition)

It isn't easy, but it sure is simple. All the best with it though

Good attempt at justification - I still don't agree. You've got yourself an interesting location and ideas: English workers in a japanese hostess club yet you're diluting them with this superfluous stuff.
If you are calling it hostess club and if it's a sitcom, the club IS their natural surroundings. I read' sitcom mission' after seeing it recommended here, I'd have a look at that to help you sharpen focus.
If you are v attached to that dialogue in the uni and showing they're students, I would start with hostess club, Carly's first day etc, then have them go to a noodle bar downstairs after/in between their shift or something and have them talk essays there.
I think it's a really interesting concept and has a lot of potential so don't let me put you off.

Thanks for the replies guys.

I don't think the page length is too much of an issue; I'm just about inside BBC writer's room's guidelines ("Generally speaking a half-hour sitcom would come in between 30 and 35 pages, an hour-long drama between 50-70 pages, and a feature film between 70-120 pages.") as it stands, and I think the dialogue reads quick (though I don't have the human resources to do a proper read through... by myself it came to 15 minutes(!)) enough, even the subtitled bits.
These opening 12 pages definitely wouldn't equate to 12 minutes, more like 7-8. It's short dialogue, quite fast paced.

I'm not a film student, but I do have an interest in film. I'm definitely imagining it being shot with film language... it's not a laugh-track type thing. The problem with cutting out the jokes that a large audience doesn't find funny is, I think, you lose things that if they hit are going to justify the entire show to someone. In Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle at one point he appears in a godzilla spoof and in Japanese on the screen it comes up as 'Eric Morecambe' (if memory serves). There's a pretty limited audience for that joke (read Japanese + know who Eric Morecambe is), but it landed with me and I'm still remembering it years later. I'm hoping my "Anglo-Satsuma War Z" line has that kind of power, with the added bonus of it being fairly self-explanatory/serves a second purpose in demonstrating something about the character's expertise. You might find it funny even without foreknowledge of some short-lived war from a 100 years ago.

BigTed, the Sitcom Mission you refer to, is that the blog/contest on this site? Or something else? Would it help if I stuck a very short opening scene of the hostess girls seeing off a drunk businessman from outside the bar the night before, before we join Alex at the bar? Get some intrigue as to what exists at the bottom of this unspectacular staircase these beautiful women have emerged from? Is the issue that the sitcom is set predominantly inside the club and it isn't seen at all for the first five minutes?
I'm seeing the University bar as a second set where a number of the characters meet (often during the day), somewhere to see the hostesses behaving differently too, so it would have its own importance going forward too.

I dunno, I'm gonna stick at it as it is, and if nobody takes an interest in it/the bbc don't offer me a job, I'll try it again in a few months without the prologue.

Quote: JaPi @ 14th December 2013, 8:20 PM GMT

I dunno, I'm gonna stick at it as it is, and if nobody takes an interest in it/the bbc don't offer me a job, I'll try it again in a few months without the prologue.

View original

And if that doesn't work- well, now it's a North Korean front trying to steal trade secrets from Japanese car companies. Wuh-oh!

Having read the script and your rather windy defence of it.

Let me be really blunt.

It's terrible.

If you enjoy writing it, if maybe you have some friends who want to film it for a laugh, then great.

But it doesn't work, the plot is meandering indistinct and is dawdling along way past the point your audience is watching, something, anything else. Your characters are a sloppy, mixture of vague indistinct characteristics.

You're jokes weak and the filmed sections reminesent of the mad, pointless films Kim Jung Il forced kidnapped Japanese directors to make.

Quote: sootyj @ 14th December 2013, 8:32 PM GMT

Your jokes weak and the filmed sections reminiscent of the mad, pointless films Kim Jung Il forced kidnapped Japanese directors to make.

View original

See, if it were me who got the reference to the mad, pointless films Kim Jong Il forced kidnapped Japanese directors to make, I'd have become a fan for life. But, to each his own.

Youre showing a lot more wit and character in your responses than in your script.

I think you're making the whole thing a lot tougher on yourself than I expect you need to.

A sitcom set in a hostess bar in the UK or Japan is a fine idea.

But you've bolted this lumpy, uni subplot on like an abandoned sea mine.

Get a simple setting, defined characters, use what I'm sure was an interesting life experience.

Also swearing is almost never funny in and of its self in any language.

Quote: Jennie @ 14th December 2013, 1:40 PM GMT

Secondly - the laughs. I am always reticent to say I don't find something funny, because I know that tastes vary. I didn't really laugh, but that isn't to say that others won't.

View original

Dont hold back on this opinion its the most important part of critique.

Ok you'll rarely laugh out loud, but getting the fundamentals of why a joke should work is all important.

It's an e- book 'your sitcom mission should you chose to accept it(?)'

Ah, I guess your reluctance to change it stems from the writers room deadline on Monday...
I do get how you can become attached to certain ideas but I think if they are detrimental to the work as a whole you have to get rid of them. That's how I feel about all the bits outside the club here, sorry.

Quote: BigTed @ 14th December 2013, 9:11 PM GMT

I do get how you can become attached to certain ideas but I think if they are detrimental to the work as a whole you have to get rid of them. That's how I feel about all the bits outside the club here, sorry.

View original

Definitely. Cutting your babies is the most difficult bit about writing. If it isn't helping your story, it has to go.

Sitcom Mission is a book and a competition. The competition is great, the book itself a really helpful, snappy guide to the writing sitcoms:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sitcom-Mission-Should-Choose-Accept-ebook/dp/B006QC8DXM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1387055735&sr=8-1&keywords=sitcom+mission

I wish you all the best with BBC Writers Room.

Quote: JaPi @ 14th December 2013, 8:23 PM GMT

I'm definitely imagining it being shot with film language.

View original

I'm not sure what that means. What I do know is that
a) sitcom scripts are significantly less cinematic than a film script
b) unless you are going to make it yourself, you won't be directing it.

Quote: JaPi @ 14th December 2013, 8:23 PM GMT

I dunno, I'm gonna stick at it as it is, and if nobody takes an interest in it/the bbc don't offer me a job, I'll try it again in a few months without the prologue.

View original

If I remember correctly, you are only allowed to submit the same idea once to the BBC.

It maybe better not to submit a weak script than submit it.

Sorry this is weak.

There's a good idea in there, but its a bit buried currently.

Sorry bit with the soots on this one. It's not a sitcom and not a comedy drama either. People say write what you know about but that is rubbish advice. Write what you know about emotionally. The dialogue is mannered and not coming out of narrative. Work out the world of your sitcom and place it there. Best advice get hold of some scripts. Lots of them available at The Writersroom and learn a bit of the craft before submitting. Well done on writing the script and it's great you are passionate about the idea. It is hard to take notes... I know. But time gives perspective. And maybe the best advice of all is to get the hostesses in the maids outfits that the Japanese love and you can ignore all the above and Sky will make it.