Hi folks. I've written an Armstrong & Miller speculative sketch with them playing two antiques "experts" with a Tim Wonnacott narration accompanying the sketch. I hope you get some amusement from it or otherwise, and all comments very much welcomed.
EXT. COUNTRY & TOWN ROADS - DAY
Two seater, top down vintage car driving in various country and town settings.
CHARLES FALCONRIDGE, (MILLER), driving car while holding a glass of champagne in one hand. He wears tweed jacket, flat cap, and monocle over one eye.
HARRY SPIKES, (ARMSTRONG), sits in passenger seat. Harry sports a moustache and wears regular suit.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Welcome to the Antiques Road Trip. And it's the final day of the trip with our two experts, the dandy Charles Falconridge.
CUT TO:
AUCTION HOUSE, Charles seated, addressing camera.
CHARLES:
The Titanic of the antiques world.
CUT TO:
ANTIQUES SHOP, Harry beside a threadbare teddy bear.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
And the ever jovial Harry Spikes.
HARRY:
Drinks on a Sunday, works on Monday.
CUT TO:
Charles and Harry driving in various country and town settings.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
The boys have spent the past four days travailing the South West in the hope of finding some rare and interesting items that might make a bit of profit at auction. And for their troubles both have took a bit of a battering. Only further reinforcing the phrase that a fool and his money are easily parted. Ha!
CUT TO:
Charles stands holding champagne glass looking a bit puzzled.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Starting the trip with two hundred pounds Charles has already paid out a handsome ninety quid for a box of spent shotgun cartridges.
CUT TO:
WORK SHED LOCATION, Charles with shotgun cartridge SELLER.
CHARLES:
It's an absolute bargain.
CUT TO:
LIVING ROOM, Charles sitting beside a mad looking OLD WOMAN, a stuffed duck on the table before them.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
He then followed that up by spending a more than generous sixty pounds for a flea ridden stuffed duck.
CHARLES:
And you're quite sure it's dead?
CUT TO:
AUCTION HOUSE, half empty.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Perhaps not too surprising then that the previous days auctions have been consistent in returning a no sale on both of Charlie's items.
AUCTIONEER, slams his hammer down.
AUCTIONEER:
NO sale.
CUT TO:
Charles stands holding champagne glass looking a bit puzzled. £200 figure in corner of screen reducing to £50.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Leaving Charles with a modest but nearly recoverable fifty pounds to play with on the final day of the trip.
CUT TO:
Harry stands laughing (Inaudible), "oh well" mock shrugging.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Harry however has fared the worst, having paid out one hundred and twenty pounds for a rusty old cattle trough.
CUT TO:
Harry and a FARMER stand next to cattle trough in a field.
HARRY:
I think this has a lot of potential.
CUT TO:
OCCULT SHOP, Harry holding a hand out, kidney beans in hand.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Before spending sixty six pounds and fifty two pence on..well, on a handful of magic beans.
HARRY:
You have to be very careful with them.
CUT TO:
AUCTION HOUSE, half empty.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Not surprisingly Harry's items were also consistent in returning a no sale at this week's auctions.
AUCTIONEER, slams his hammer down.
AUCTIONEER:
No sale
Harry standing cajoling auction crowd.
HARRY:
Oh come on!
(jovial laughter)
CUT TO:
Harry stands laughing (Inaudible), "oh well" mock shrugging. £200 figure in corner of screen reducing to £13.48.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
All this leaves Harry with a measly thirteen pounds and forty eight pence left to spend from his original two hundred.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOTEL CARPARK - DAY
Charles and Harry leaving front door of hotel.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Therefore all to play for on the final day of the Antiques Road Trip.
HARRY:
(jovial laughter)
Boiled egg! Bald head!
CHARLES:
Well how was I to know, Harry?
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Yes. A little incident in the dining room this morning. Nonetheless.
Charles and Harry in car driving off.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Pointing the boys in the right direction, which we probably should have done from day one of the trip.
CUT TO:
EXT. SMASHING POTTERIES
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
We've come to Smashing Potteries. A shop that specialises in all things porcelain and china.
CUT TO:
INT. SMASHING POTTERIES
Porcelain and china on display.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Run by Barbara Grieves, in the quaint little village of Tornheath.
BARBARA behind shop counter.
Charles and Harry enter shop.
HARRY:
Hello there. It's Margaret isn't it?
BARBARA:
No I'm Barbara.
HARRY:
Deborah! Pleased to meet you. Harry and Charles. And my what a lovely shop you have here. Like the inside of a hobbit's house.
(jovial laughter)
CHARLES:
Now, Daphne, let me tell you where I'm at. I have.
Charles takes out paper slip and reads.
CHARLES:
I have fifty pounds to spend. Do you have anything in your shop worth fifty pounds?
BARBARA:
Yes I'm sure there will be some items priced at fifty pounds or less.
CHARLES:
What about that?
Charles picks up collection tin on shop counter.
BARBARA:
No, that's a collection tin for the blind dog association.
HARRY:
Tell you what, Charlie. You take one half of the shop, I'll take the other. Then we'll have a good scrap to see who takes the remaining half.
(jovial laughter)
Thanks for that, Deborah.
Barbara smiles meekly.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Ah never mind, girl. You'll always be Barbara to us.
Charles at section of shop, beside a large vase on display.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Now what's this? Something caught your eye, Charles?
CHARLES:
Yes. I've spotted this rather large vase type thingy.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Has it got a price on it, Charles?
CHARLES:
Yes. It says three hundred and fifty pounds, and I have.
Charles takes out paper slip and reads.
CHARLES:
I have fifty pounds. So well within my budget.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Unfortunately maths was never one of Charlie's strong points. Meanwhile.
Harry, two porcelain figurines in each hand, one male, one female.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Harry seems to have his hands full.
HARRY:
I have these two ghastly little figurines. Eighty quid for the pair. But I'm going to try and get them for a tenner. See what Deborah makes of that. Wish me luck.
(jovial laughter)
Barbara and Charles at large vase
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Deborah meantime. God! He's even got me doing it now. I mean Barbara, is with Charles. And it seems old Charlie boy is going in for the kill.
CHARLES:
I'll give you.
Charles takes out paper slip and reads.
CHARLES:
I'll give you fifty pounds for it?
BARBARA:
I'm sorry I couldn't possibly go below two hundred.
Harry amused at shop counter looking to Barbara and Charles.
HARRY:
Tell her it's for charity, Charles.
(jovial laughter)
CHARLES:
(Sincere)
It's for charity Charles. He's a notorious barfly back at the club.
BARBARA:
I'm afraid two hundred would have to be my very limit.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
No luck, Charles. Let's see if Harry can do any better in the bartering stakes.
Barbara is behind shop counter, Harry to front.
HARRY:
It's eighty quid for the pair, Deborah. Now what say a tenner for them? And I'll throw in a big sloppy kiss.
(jovial laughter)
BARBARA:
I'm afraid these figurines are private seller listed items. I would need to speak to the seller to get any agreement on a reduced price.
HARRY:
Then give them a call and we'll have a good chin wag about the weather.
(jovial laughter)
Charles still next to large vase.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
While Barbara contacts the seller, Charles isn't letting it lie when it comes to that particular vase. And what you're about to hear is in no way endorsed by us on the Antiques Road Trip.
CHARLES:
Let me let you into an old trade secret. If you want to get an item for a fraction of the asking cost you could always cause a little damage here and there on the sneak.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
As I said, in no way endorsed by us on the Antiques Road Trip.
CHARLES:
Bring attention of the damage to the seller and get the item for a reduced price. Then get one of your restoration friends to work their magic and there you have it, good as new.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
While Charles reverts to some of his industry know how, Harry.
Harry at shop counter, Barbara behind counter on the phone.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Is waiting to hear from the seller of the two figurines.
BARBARA:
Hi, Anne. It's Barbara from Smashing Potteries. I have a gentleman here who would like to know your lowest price for the two figurines. You know the pair?
(BEAT)
You have them priced at eighty.
HARRY:
Tell her it's for charity.
(jovial laughter)
BARBARA:
The gentleman says it's for charity.
(BEAT)
Forty for the pair? I'll just let him know. She'll take forty for the pair.
HARRY:
That's no use to me, Deborah. Tell her a tenner and that's my final offer.
(jovial laughter)
BARBARA:
The gentleman would like to offer ten pounds for the pair.
(BEAT)
You couldn't accept that?
HARRY:
Ten pounds for the little lady. How about that?
BARBARA:
He's offering ten pounds for just one of the figurines.
(BEAT)
No, you're selling as a pair. I'm sorry but she's not splitting them for sale.
HARRY:
Yes, I see. Been together since the very beginning, now Harry wants to break them up. I know, I know! The cad!
(jovial laughter)
Give her over here.
Harry gestures for the phone, Barbara hands over hand set.
HARRY:
Annabel! It's me. The man you fantasise about off the telly. Now I've got thirteen and such and such pence. My final offer. Go on. You know you want to.
(jovial laughter)
The sound of SMASHED CHINA shocks Barbara.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Oh crumbs! Forgot about Charlie boy.
Charles stands over smashed vase, shattered pieces everywhere.
CHARLES:
Daphne! Daphne!
Barbara rushes to scene, gasps in shock at the scene.
CHARLES:
Ah there you are, Daphne. I just noticed a bit of damage on this vase. Nothing major just a slight crack. I was wondering if you could give me a reduced offer for it? I have.
Charles takes out paper slip and reads.
CHARLES:
I have fifty pounds.
Barbara looks shocked. a hand covering her mouth.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Hmmm, it seems Harry smells a rat.
Harry, hand over phone mouth piece, addressing camera.
HARRY:
Could you hold one second, Annabel? That fly old fox Charlie. A bit of a 'smash and grab' there. Don't think I don't know what he's been up to. Well two can play at that game.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
No Harry, please.
HARRY:
After all, all's fair in love and antiques. Shhh! Don't tell mum.
(jovial laughter)
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
No Harry! Harry!
HARRY:
Look, Annabel! I've just noticed a bit of damage on the two figurines.
Harry smashes head of figurine off shop counter ledge.
HARRY:
They've only gone and lost their noggins.
(jovial laughter)
Harry smashes head of other figurine off shop counter ledge.
HARRY:
I was thinking what with the damage how about that thirteen pounds and something pence for the pair?
(BEAT)
What's that? Yes. Headless. Didn't notice first time round.
(BEAT)
What? You're coming down to the shop? Or did you just say I'll happily accept the offer from my dashing daytime delight?
(jovial laughter)
No? You said you're coming down to the shop. Well I can't promise I'll still be here, but a faint whiff of my cologne might still linger in the air. It's the best I can do, Annabel.
(jovial laughter)
Hello! Annabel!
Barbara SHRIEKS on seeing the headless figurines on the counter. Charles passes by a shocked Barbara.
CHARLES:
That's me collected up all of the pieces, Daphne.
Good number of broken vase pieces uncollected on display.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Are you quite sure, Charles?
CHARLES:
Well, all of the important pieces at least. Now if I give you this will that be enough?
Charles handing money notes to a stressed and shocked Barbara.
BARBARA:
(breathless, stressed)
Yes. Yes, that's fine. Please could you go? Could you get him out my shop?
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Don't blame you, Barbara.
CHARLES:
Is that enough, Daphne?
BARBARA:
(breathless, stressed)
Yes. Yes. Please go.
CHARLES:
You're a star, Daphne.
Charles walks past Harry at shop counter, leaving shop.
CHARLES:
I'll be sitting in the car out front, Harry.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Yes, you go for a little sit down, Charles.
Harry approaches a shocked and stressed Barbara.
HARRY:
Ah Deborah. Just off the phone there to Annabel. She's happy to accept my offer for the pair because of the slight damage. Very reasonable I say. Anyway, you've been a good sport. Hope to pop in sometime soon. I'll just stick the money in that collection tin for those blind dogs when I'm passing, and I'll leave two signed complimentary mugshots of myself on your counter for you and Annabel. Well cheerio.
Harry exits. Barbara looks shocked and stressed.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
All right there, Barbara. Now take it easy. A deep breath in. And out.
Barbara following breathing advice.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
And in, and...
CRASH BANG sound, Barbara SHRIEKS and cowers low.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Oh God! What now!
Shelf display covering a length of wall shakes, porcelain and china items shake, items falling to floor, items smashing on floor.
Harry stands jovial at open shop door.
HARRY:
Charlie's only went and ruddy well reversed into the side of the building. Told him he shouldn't have had the champagne breakfast.
(jovial laughter)
Well cheerio, Deborah.
Harry exits shop.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Now. Where's Barbara? Barbara! Ah there you are.
A shattered Barbara slowly rises from low position, looks over section of shop affected by car crash, the damage to shelf display, items on the floor.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Well. You would go and call your shop Smashing Potteries. It's just asking for trouble in my book.
Barbara whimpers and weeps.
TIM WONNACOTT: (V.O.)
Oh I'm sorry, Barbara. I didn't mean it. There there, that's it. Now if it's any relief we won't be bringing the boys back in a hurry. Promise.
THE END