Hi guys, this is the first (ish) draft of the first scene of a sitcom I've been thinking of. It centres around two guys on a sales stand in a shopping centre. Like the ones you get for dodgy credit cards, PPI claims and weird, niche products.
Any critique welcome as this is my first attempt at writing a sitcom.
Thanks!
FADE IN
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE. MORNING
JACK (BORN SALESMAN, EARLY 20s, BIT OF A 'LAD') AND MARK (RELUCTANT SALESMAN, MID-20s,
BIT OF A GEEK) ARE WALKING THROUGH THE CENTRE TO THEIR PITCH
MARK
What we got today?
JACK
Weight loss pills.
MARK
Again? Is this another Olympic legacy thing?
JACK
It's more of a Gregg's legacy thing. There's four of them in here.
CONTINUOUS
THEY WALK PAST THE CUPCAKE STAND WHERE HANNAH (PETITE, BLONDE, BAKER) IS SETTING UP HER
DISPLAY
JACK
Morning, Hannah.
HANNAH
Morning, boys.
MARK
Do you need some diet pills?
HANNAH
You what?
MARK
(under breath) Shit!
JACK
Smooth
CONTINUOUS
JACK
Before there. After there.
MARKS STARTS TO SET UP THE DISPLAY FOR 'FLAB OFF' DIET PILLS.
MARK
Really? It's blocking my view -
JACK
(Interupts) Of her (Hannah)? Is it her goods you want or some of those little
cakes?
STEVE (HUGE, DOOR OF A MAN, SECURITY GUARD) LOOMS INTO SHOT CROUCHING NEXT TO MARK WHO
HASN'T SEEN HIM
STEVE
Morning.
MARK
Jesus!
STEVE
It's Steve. Are you two going to behave yourselves today?
JACK
What do you mean?
STEVE
I mean no more terrorising old people dressed as the Grim Reaper.
MARK
We were selling funeral cover. It's never too late. Anyway, it's weight loss
pills today?
STEVE
Again? Is this a Gregg's legacy thing?
FADE OUT