Stake Out

STUDENT and TRAINER are hiding behind a wall in front of a house

STUDENT - I can't do this. It's too much. It's too much!

STUDENT slaps TRAINER

TRAINER - Ow! The panic-ee is meant to hit the panic-er not the other way round!

STUDENT - That doesn't sound right

TRAINER - Look the jobs simple

STUDENT - If we get caught it's all over.

STUDENT slaps TRAINER

TRAINER - (CON/T) Stop hitting me! It's going to be fine

STUDENT - What if I never see my girl again

TRAINER - I'm going to make you a promise right now. You will marry your girl, and you'll have kids and buy a little house by the sea with a fence around it - to stop water corrosion.

STUDENT - Easy. I mean she's cool and all but I don't think I'm ready for that commitment yet

TRAINER - Then you'll go out with her until you find someone else with low standards

STUDENT - Nice. What about you? What are you going to do after this job?

TRAINER - I'm going to clear my name of all sexual harassment charges. Then I'll get back to sexual harassing people I suppose

STUDENT - Okay, let's do it

TRAINER and STUDENT run to door and post something and run away. HOUSE OWNER picks up a Royal Mail we're sorry we've missed you card and looks angry

END

I like this. The going back to sexual harassing people was a bit overkill for me, but otherwise good and funny.

You're saying everything twice: SLAPS TRAINER - "Stop hitting me." See if you can make the action in the dialogue: "OW. Why did you hit me?"

"Coz I felt like it".

Telling the reader in the ACTION and then repeating in the DIALOGUE, is a common mistake of a new writer.

It's a bit all over the place. I'm not really sure what the sketch is about. It starts off as banter which doesn't really go anywhere or connect to the rest of the sketch. Then there's a reveal at the end which, again, doesn't connect to the rest of the sketch.

All sketches have a central theme running though them. I think you need to work at establishing one and then start this one again.

There are some nice lines, including for me the one Nina doesn't like, but I was unclear as to the set up, and punchline bore no apparent connection and therefore made no sense.

I think there's probably a good sketch in here, but it's kind of confused, and the ending doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

EDIT: No, wait, the ending does make sense to me, but I'm pretty sure it boils down to a Smith & Jones(?) sketch, where people in a stakeout situation wait for someon to leave the house before sneaking up to deliver a Gas Board "sorry we missed you" card.

I think the joke is lost because it doesn't sound like a stakeout. It sounds like a prison break, or a heist.

Make it more like a stakeout - two people sitting in a van hidden behind bushes at night, looking through binoculars etc. Codewords, some "go go go!!"s in there somewhere. That kind of thing.

Bump slash rewrite

Tight shot of two firemen looking worried

FIREMAN 1 - I can't do this. It's too much. It's too much!

FIREMAN 1 slaps FIREMAN 2

FIREMAN 2 - Ow! The panic-ee is meant to hit the panic-er not

FIREMAN 1 - I want to go. I need to go!

FIREMAN 1 slaps FIREMAN 2

FIREMAN 2 - Thin ice. Calm down, okay?

FIREMAN 1 - What if I never see my girl again

FIREMAN 2 - I'm going to make you a promise right now. You will marry your girl, you'll have kids and buy a little house by the sea with a fence around it - you know to stop water corrosion.

FIREMAN 1 - Easy. I mean she's cool and all but I don't think I'm ready for that sort of commitment

FIREMAN 2 - Fine you'll go out with her until you find someone else with low standards

FIREMAN 1 - Nice. What about you? What are you going to do after this job?

FIREMAN 2 - I'm going to clear my name of all sexual harassment charges. Then I'll get back to sexual harassing people I suppose. You ready?

FIREMAN 1 - Okay, let's do it

FIREMAN 2 and FIREMAN 1 go onto stage. Camera pans out and we see it's a strip club

END

The new ending works well. Perhaps, to milk it even more you coudl have the camera tight on head shots for the exchange, and then pull out to reveal that they are wearing nothing but fireman hats and spangly briefs, with the strip club stage visible behind them, through the wings.

There may possibly be just too many different jokes jostling for position in such a short piece, but I guess the effect would depend a lot on the performers. I rather liked it, anyway.

Thin ice? Not sure I get that. Why would the Fireman be worried about never seeing his girl again, just because he's about to enter a strip club? And why the sexual harassment reference.. I agree that there is no single thread here, it's just too all over the place. Try and tighten it up maybe?

EDIT...

Ok, I realize they are the performers! Sorry. Better but still rambles for me.

Thats an excellent pull back and reveal, spoiled by meandering dialogue

Make your mind up if its mocking disaster/action movie dialogue, or if it's a joke on the scariness of being a stripper

Either way when you do both it's just too distracting.

Thanks for the advice. I can see now I am trying to do too much. I was thinking maybe of having one fireman as the straight man and one worried so it wouldn't be too much. Then having the women attack them to justify his fear